So yeah, DD11's frustration and hopelessness is palpable.
Bella, my kids were diagnosed at a younger age, but fwiw, my dysgraphic ds really began to be interested in a deeper way about the impact of his challenges when he was around 11 years old. When he was first diagnosed and for the next few years school was really a struggle. I did a lot of googling around and reading to find examples of people who had struggled with similar disabilities when they were students (many of whom were not diagnosed until they were adults, and many of whom struggled tremendously in school yet went on to be amazing success stories as adults - Charles Schwab is one example). I shared those stories with my ds. Things like that helped give him hope that life always wouldn't be the struggle that it was then at school. It also helped him to identify occasionally with specific challenges mentioned by each person.
Now that ds is further along in his journey (and also because he's older) he's begun to really think through how his disability impacts him personally and he's recognizing it in his schoolwork - when he was younger he didn't fully realize that those "careless" (ouch!) errors teachers thought he was making in his math calcs were really due to his dysgraphia; now he gets it and he deals with it. He's started to put together some of his own workflows and solutions. He can give input on which accommodations work for him and why, and which he prefers - sometimes for purely kid-reasons, such as not wanting to lug around a laptop because it weighs more than an iPad. He's also interested in how he's been tested, what the test results mean etc. He's at an age where ownership comes into play, and your dd is most likely there too - it sounds like she is. That's a great thing - keep listening to her as she gives you input and keep sharing what you find out with her.
Depending on what the psych finds, we (myself and others on this forum) may have some ideas about books/articles your dd might like to read to learn more about her challenges and other kids/adults who share similar challenges.
In the meantime, as mentioned above, you are giving your dd what will ultimately mean more than any of her accommodations - you believe in her and you're standing up for her. You're showing her (by example) how to advocate for herself, and you're showing her that you'll always be there for her. When you read some of those bios of adults who struggled with disabilities as children, you're going to hear one thing over and over again - having an adult in their life (either a parent or a teacher or whoever) who believed in them made all the difference in the world in getting through. There have been times when it's been beyond discouraging and frustrating to advocate advocate advocate and I've felt frustrated that I didn't realize what was up earlier in ds' life etc - it's easy to be discouraged or feel you haven't done enough as a parent. But you are doing exactly what your dd needs - and you'll make that difference for her.
Best wishes,
polarbear
ps - I don't know if this would help encourage your dd or not, but fwiw - I do not have any disabilities or challenges, but even as a totally typical kid, life was much more "fun" and interesting for me once I was out of the drudge of elementary and secondary school. I really appreciated going to college because I could focus on what I was passionate about and good at. Although I couldn't share any personal experiences with my kids about living with a disability, just sharing that life was a lot different once you graduated from high school really helped buoy up my ds' spirits when he was having tough times at school.
