polarbear has an excellent outline. I do pretty much as she outlined, but for #3, I actually don't go in with solutions. I go in with issues and concerns and I go in prepared to accept or reject their proposed solutions. I then ask how their solution meets the needs of the child. I do this because I do not have as clear a sense of the scope of potential solutions, nor can I see the whole picture for the school (mid-year subject accelerations, for instance, might simply be near impossible for certain classrooms).
I'd also add that I refuse to surprise the school team with outside evidence, so I disclose it before the meeting. I then turn around and ask for their evidence ahead of the meeting as well. I've had a 50% success rate at this. When I get the evidence in the meeting, I take it very slowly as I go through it myself.
I also work to prevent the conflicts in the first place, by doing groundwork and homework first. I meet with the classroom teacher and the key intervention people first to outline the status of things. They rarely will tell me much (this is a "team" decision, they'll say), but I can generally feel out what the sentiment and concerns are ahead of time, to help me prepare.
