Hello everyone,
I'm new here and I thought I'd write some stuff about myself because I need some help figuring something out. I hope that's ok and I hope I write this in the right forum. This is probably going to be a very long post and I apologise in advance for that. This is very important to me though so if you read it all I'd very much appreciate it. Also, sorry in advance for any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, English isn't my first language.
Anyway, sometimes (or actually quite often) I wonder if I was a gifted child. I started talking when I was 6 months old. That's when I said my first real words (and not just baby talk). When I was two years old you could talk to me as if you were talking to a child several years older than me. People have told me I was "old for my age" and "wise beyond my years". I learned to read when I was 3,5 years old and I loved books. As a child I was obsessed with knights, Lego and other things. I loved science from an early age and I wished for things such as books and a microscope (which I got) for Christmas. I read a lot and spent a lot of time on my own but I also remember spending time with some friends or siblings, running around in the forrest and pretending I was a soldier, lion or a ninja.
I was a very quick learner and I loved learning things. I had an incredible thirst for knowledge. I was very curious, observant, introverted, introspective, sensitive, a bit withdrawn, cautious, perfectionistic, musical, honest, rule-following and I asked a lot of questions. Throughout my life I've always been told I'm smart and intelligent, that I'm like a brain on two legs and that I'm very detail-oriented. From the age of 10 or so I remember thinking people my age were really boring and immature so instead of hanging out with them I often stayed after lessons and talked to my teachers about science, existential questions and religion. I asked loads of questions all the time and sometimes I think they probably thought I was annoying because of it. I did have some friends my age but I liked socialising with adults much more. When I was in my very young teens I remember being very frustrated about not being able to grow up quicker so that I could socialise with adults all the time.
Around that time I loved maths and numbers. I remember bringing my math books home and counting things even though I was done with my homework long before that. I did it for fun and in the last grade before high school I was doing first year of high school maths because I was so quick. Unfortunately all of that got me bullied. I was bullied for four years (when I was 12-15 years old). I never had the same interests as people my age. When they were interested in boys and makeup I was interested in maths and WWII propaganda. I tried to fit in with the girls in my class and I really made an effort to laugh when they laughed and like what they liked. It never really worked out though.
I got depressed. I don't know why but I'm guessing it was because of the bullying (which was all about spreading rumours, staring at me and laughing at me etc) and because I felt so lonely all the time (even though I had a few friends). I've been depressed ever since and I've also developed several anxiety disorders (social anxiety disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder). In high school I couldn't be bothered to do anything. I underachieved. My love for studies and learning things seemed to fade. I now realise that it was because of my depression and anxiety and that the love for knowledge and learning things never really ceased.
Today I'm studying biomedicine at university but everything I've been going through and everything I'm still going through has caused me to be incredibly sensitive to stress etc. I've got quite a huge problem with perfectionism and I often feel insufficient. I feel a bit defect since my problems make it difficult for me to do some pretty basic things like socialising properly or speaking up in class (I stopped answering my teachers' questions when I was 13 or 14 when people at school started staring at me or laughing when I answered questions in class, no matter if I gave the correct or incorrect answer). I still feel lonely. No matter how many people I surround myself with I still feel like no one understands the way I think.
Perhaps the constant feeling of never being properly understood has led to the frustration I feel (and always have felt). I'm aware all of this might come across as unbelievably arrogant (I do apologise for that) and I worry that you'll think I'm really stupid for writing this wall of text and sharing my life story. However, I've never talked about this with anyone before and I can't help but wondering why I've always felt so incredibly different. It's a mystery I've tried to solve since I was about 10 years old (I'm 23 now). I still feel very different and like I think differently than other people. Perhaps that's all in my head though. I don't know. All I know is that most people aren't like me. That's what people tell me and that's what I feel too.
How do you know if you were a gifted child? If I was one, how come I feel so stupid and insufficient nowadays? If I was one, could the fact that no one seemed to understand that, in combination with the bullying, have led to the problems I've experienced and still experience today?
