Dear Persephone,
We seem to have very similar circumstances, as far as that any time I attempt to verbalize my thoughts, the only reactions I receive are either a bewildered dismissal or a base reason why what I had just said is completely absurd. In fact, as I write this post, I am tearing up because I feel so unengaged.
I should provide some background. I am 27 years old, formerly a composer and musician. I had a breakdown of sorts, and left my conservatory when I was 21. Oh, and my SAT score was 1410/1600, but I didn't apply myself in high school since I knew I wanted to become a composer. So, after I left the conservatory, my parents provided me with some psychiatric support, and part of that package was an IQ test, on which I scored 160. After all of the testing, the doctors also said that I had dysthymic depression (you should look that up.... fun time), ADD (Attention deficit disorder (which is redundant), and "possibly a mild form of Asperger syndrome". Later, they tacked on Obsessive Compulsive disorder (again, redundant), along with post traumatic stress, from my breakdown in music. Since then, I have spent the last 6 or 7 years trying to put my mind back in order, and graduated from a public college (with a singularly pathetic GPA of 2.147)with a degree in political science. For the past year and a half I have lived with my parents, struggling to find a job that would utilize the abilities I have to offer.
In between my failed attempts at obtaining a job, I have occupied myself with such activities as dedicating time to brushing up my French, learning German and Italian; building statistical databases for online games to determine optimal strategy; creating an urban renewal plan for a nearby city; rewriting my state's constitution; calculating the electrical usage of all devices in my house and what to replace them with for optimal savings; determining the impact of President Obama's policies upon the US economy (please, let's not get into a political debate here); designing a means of preventing hurricanes from forming; assessing the military capabilities of Kazakhstan, developing a simple recipe and machine for mass producing dog treats from my house; rewriting several computer programs; creating a blueprint for a new prison facility; designing a new military vehicle; as well as numerous other projects that I have done, simply to keep my mind occupied.
I am still in therapy, and my therapist brought up a correlation I never heard of or thought about... ability vs. achievement. Most of the projects I just mentioned above, are unfinished. As I continue to sit here, wasting my life away because no one can see what ability I can provide them, my depression simply reiterates the fact that I have no achievements. I am likely doomed to live a life where I work at my family business, moving boxes of supplies from a palate, to a shelf, and then back again. This future is not because that's what I want or deserve, but because the world around me is too friggin dumb to listen to what I have to say or see the world from my, different, perspective.
Did you never wonder why people reference "the village idiot"? Its because the village kept the idiot around, while they kicked the smart people out and called them witches and heretics. Keep saying what you're saying, and keep saying it louder and louder. Oh, and a last piece of advice... I have found that it is easier to do something, first, and then have to explain it... rather than asking permission.
