Thanks for the input everyone
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Howler, your comments speak straight to my heart. I should probably clarify that she's not arrogant exactly; it's more the inability to stop asking questions, interrupt with information which she feels is relevant etc. - so an inability to censor what she says and when to say it. Her sense of humour is also very dry which doesn't help! So, I'm looking in depth at ADD just in case. However, she was so out of sync for so many years that she made a mask and wore it so tightly for school in order to fit in that now she's taken it off she's groping in the dark trying to find out who she is. She was well liked by other kids, had copious awards at school - for personal qualities such as empathy and kindness to others etc., her behaviour was great, she was in every respect a star student, but she was desperately lonely and unhappy and by age 7 or 8 she just gave up 'playing the game' to fit in; she was exhausted. Then the panic attacks started, and eventually a suicide attempt just after her 8th birthday. I just thought she was bright, not 'gifted' and didn't peg the psychological issues as school based; I thought she had a pathology. It has since transpired that I was misdiagnosed with bipolar as a young adult so it's a messy journey for me too, unravelling what happened when I was a kid. I spoke with a friend tonight and she said that dd isn't rude unless she's in pursuit of knowledge, or more accurately when she is trying to connect with someone so tries too hard to get 'stuff' out, and then sometimes things go a bit pear shaped. She also said a loneliness and need to connect radiates from her - that desperate need to find someone like her. I think I am also so paranoid of her developing a 'better than' attitude that I'm on high alert for any hint of arrogance and make mountains out of mole hills sometimes. We do lots of role play and 'what if' scenarios to look at social situations, which definitely helps. I spoke to her tonight and she said she just wanted to have a 'good heart' and not be rude. So we've devised a code of a nose touch when she speaks out of turn. I'm beginning to wonder if my obsession with having a 'good' kid, one who is empathetic and kind etc., is further fuelling her anxiety. I just worry with all the 'you are so smart' comments (from others, not us, we focus on effort and resilience)that her head will swell and I want to stop that from potentially happening too. My friend also said that I need to be careful not to put my baggage onto my daughter - and I trust and respect this person greatly.
DD is improving, greatly. She will talk to new people now, order for herself in coffee shops etc. A couple of years ago someone asked me if she was 'retarded' because she just simply had no energy left to read social situations and react in the the way she thought people would want her to, so she just stopped talking. Our situation has improved so very much, but that comes at the cost of making some hard decisions that may or may not be right, but it's the best I can do with the tools I have. I'm just at the stage where I'm exhausted from everything that has gone on over the last two years and need propping up for a while. I also have a 2E son who has dyslexia, dysgraphia, sensory issues and CAPD so it's pretty full on.
I so needed to hear some of the things you said, howler. It's the same advice I give to others (I started a group for gifted kids so they could find their tribe). But there's noone else in the group whose child has had such a radical acceleration. It's a lonely journey - and one that makes you doubt every decision you make, and also think that maybe your kid isn't so smart after all and is coasting by for now but will flunk out later...Projecting imposter syndrome onto her maybe? Learning to trust your gut is hard, but it's all you have to go on. Thanks for listening
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