Lori, I'm finding it interesting that you are framing this as a contest between you and your son. Are you concerned that he's contemplating a life of crime? (yes, I'm joking)
I'm with him; I'm kind of tired of hearing from the Pollyannas of the world, too.
I hate to mention this, but... he's actually
correct, at least in the statistical sense. While the old saw may well be correct in
anecdotal instances, it's more normative for childhood privation and disadvantage (of various kinds) to lead to bad outcomes. That's why social programs try to mitigate those things as much as possible through early childhood interventions in "at risk" children. They are "at risk" of becoming helpless and dependent-- or fueling crime statistics; both are societal problems.
Rags to riches stories are compelling because they
are outlier stories. Then again, there are outlier stories of riches-to-rags aplenty, too. So the anecdote does demonstrate that circumstances are not destiny.
Perhaps you're
both onto something. I suspect that he is looking at it from one angle (most people who experience severe adversity as children go on to do _______), and you see it from the other (people who are strong and resilient as adults have ________ backgrounds). Your motive is obviously that you want him to be optimistic, not bitter.
I understand your perspective as a parent (I really do, as mom to a 2E, home-educated introvert), and it seems sensible to me that protecting children from
all adversity limits their opportunities for-- well, learning to pick themselves up and dust themselves off, so to speak.
My advice, which you're free to ignore, of course, is to be very frank and forthcoming about your expectations and perceptions about his limitations and what they mean to him, but to make that a two-way conversation. If
he doesn't think that something is worth the extraordinary effort needed (beyond his peers), maybe he's got good reasons, or at least good
enough reasons.
I'm a big believer in not sugar-coating things when they really and truly do NOT have a 'bright side.' Having your disability be the ONLY thing that keeps you from a true passion and having no obvious way over that barrier is
not something with a bright side.
2E or not, being a kid means that you lack the life experience that grants a certain...
perspective to disappointments and pain. KWIM? I'm entitled to insist to my 13yo that she lacks a certain perspective that might lead to very different conclusions when she opines that life "is a sucking black hole of emptiness" after a setback. I see things she doesn't (another 30+ yr of life experience).
If musical theater is a real passion, then does he have interest in learning the other aspects that the audience never sees? Perhaps he'd like to give dramaturgy or the sound-board a try. On the other hand, it may be too painful to feel as though he's being forced to watch others doing what he wishes he were doing. That's a valid and legitimate feeling.
One other thing to consider-- is musical theater still HIS passion? Or yours
for him? Or is it just the only game in town? If he's been getting approval via his acting and performance, you might explore whether or not he's reluctant to tell you that his interests have shifted, or has reached a point where he finds it too difficult or painful to keep doing it. Kids sometimes feel as though walking away is going to disappoint us, even when they've gotten what they can out of something.
Ultimately-- (and this is what I've said to my own DD, too);
It really isn't about the hand you're dealt. That is what it is, and everyone finds that they aren't happy with those circumstances at some point. It's about whether you rail against fate and wallow in what you DO NOT/CANNOT have... or whether you decide to get on with it the way things are, and figure out another way to get where you want to go... or maybe, another destination entirely. That's the secret of those successful adults that overcome adversity. They don't keep dwelling on the adversity part of things, they just keep finding ways
around obstacles, even when they can't take them head-on.
There's no doubt that sometimes that can be a very hard and painful thing. Pollyanna would say that it builds character, but I find Pollyanna deeply irritating, myself.
