I need your help and advice, because this matter is driving me crazy.
After a severe depression caused by "boredom" and a sense of "emptiness of life", I went to see a therapist for the first time. But what she told me was not what I wanted to hear. She believes that I am gifted and wants me to be tested.
The problem is...I don't want to succeed in the test, because it would just prove how meaningless my achievements really were compared to what I could have done, and don't want to fail the test because it would be another proof of my stupidity.
I have always been a social outcast. Socially "dumb". Before I got into school I bullied 8 and 9 years old who were more than twice my age. After I started my studies at the age of 4, I was rejected by everybody. I tried my best to fit in, to be accepted, but all I got was the recurring comments that outlined my dumbness. I skipped two classes in a private school. Never knew why. I could come up with a thousand ideas to justify it. I have indeed taught myself several languages (including English), but I am also very uninterested in all subjects. That�s probably the only achievement that I ever had. Even if I show interests in certain subjects, I do nothing to look it up. Everything has been WAY too easy in my life. I was bored, but never did what "gifted" children usually do: "acquire deep knowledge".
I passed all the tests by using my short term memory and rarely ever attended during high school of college. I was valedictorian anyway and disappointed that no worthy competitor ever sowed up. I don�t remember a single thing I did during my whole scholarship.
I got ranked first in the national contest of my country without even preparing the tests. I feel that some of the teachers who corrected it favoured me because they knew me and knew my writing style.
I don't even know what the meaning of effort is anymore -not sure if I ever it to begin with- and I see no reason why I should try harder. Or try at all. When people talk to me, I always pretend to not know a single thing about what they are talking about. I want them to feel better about themselves for being so much smarter than me. But All I end up doing is feeling worse and worse for killing my spirits.
This is why I don't understand why I am reacting so strongly and negatively to the prospect of the test. I probably don't even belong here. I feel like a fake about to be exposed.
Humph. I am pitiful. I certainly will fail. If I ever had an ounce of talent in the past, it must have dramatically decreased.
