Re: tantrums
DW and I always had this theory that the "terrible twos" were reflective of parents radically changing the way they deal with their children. Parents initially think their children won't understand discipline, and then when they decide to try it later, the child who is used to getting their own way revolts. So we introduced timeouts very early on, and we enjoyed some very delightful twos.
Not sure if that applies to your situation, but it's worth bringing up.
Otherwise, we employed some principles that worked for us. I'm sure some people will argue with some of them as being inappropriate for their own child, but we all get to parent the children we have. The biggest principles we employed besides this were:
- Be absolutely consistent and predictable. All persons involved in supervising her at this age should be in agreement on what is acceptable behavior, and how you'll respond to both appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
- Never reward a tantrum by giving in to her demands, or by bribing her with something else. It just teaches her that tantrums are an effective social tool.
- Never make a threat you don't intend to follow through with. When you tell her she's lost a privilege, do not rescind that later. It just undermines you.
- Model the behavior you want. Be extra polite and respectful to her. (My DD is the only person I've ever said, "Yes, ma'am" to)
- Always answer her questions, especially about the rules you've made. If you can't explain why you have a rule, you probably shouldn't have it. The exception is where the information is not age-appropriate.
- Always listen to her perspective, but also set a limit on debates. When the conversation has reached a point where there's nothing further to be gained, end it.
In addition, I find it's helpful to explain to kids how parents have rules, too. We've explained to DD how she has certain rights that we are not allowed to violate. So, for instance, if she wants to stay up late on a school night, we can explain to her that she has a right to good health and a good education, sleep plays an important role in both, and so allowing her to stay up late is not up to us, it's simply not an option. It's a roundabout way of saying "this is for your own good," but the upside is she then gets that without us having to say it... because honestly, whenever someone says "this is for your own good," do you ever believe them?
Hope any of this helps.
