I seem to have missed at least two posts in the middle ofthe thread yesterday, not surprising when I was (am) reading on my phone while moving house.
Dude we had a similar no "because I said so" principle. But I find I say something along those lines more often now and have regular conversations with my almost 10 year old about the fact that she needs to show more respect and trust that we don't ask/instruct things she might like for the fun of it but rather always have a reason and that she needs to show that respect/trust and do as she's asked and not start a debate at an inappropriate time. And the 5.5 yr old is about 5 mins behind the eldest there too. It's really quite frustrating having raised strong minded children who expect an explanation now that life has gotten to the point that it often isn't possible to give one (right then). I don't think there is a deliberate lack of respect, I am pretty sure they trust and respect me more than their teachers, but with me they expect answers, while at school they just do what they are told. They are having to now learn when to ask questions and when to just do as asked.
For us "because I said so" does not equal "there is no reason" it equals "you need to be able to realize that when the toddler is having a screaming fit in a busy carpark (and we are running late for X) is not the time to ask questions, you need to do what you are told simply because I said so - and you believe me to be a reasonable and thoughtful person who must have a good reason for asking (whatever)"
SMB - if he used the bike that makes more sense. But my thoughts are that our job is to teach not to punish. Punishing doesn't teach anything other than possibly to avoid getting caught. You want him to learn how to think about safety and to follow rules as appropriate. Generally when I find myself seeking to punish I realize I am acting to appease my own anger (which yes is usually driven from my fear/love for my child), punishment is NOT for the benefit of the child. Teaching the right thing to do is for the benefit of the child.
I would remeber to think about the child's actions in a positive light and that positive intent would be the first thing I would mention. He didn't do it to make you angry, he did it because he really likes his friend and wanted to play. So say that "you really like your friend and wanted to play/missed them/had something to tell them", then explain why it's not safe (cars, strangers, nobody home, etc) and that next time he has a good idea for a playdate he has to ask an adult to help set up a time. And warn him that most of the time those play-dates might not be straightaway, it might be later that day, the next day, or even further away.
Also keep in mind that if it's he first time he may not have realized it's wrong. Children can be very literal. I still remember my aunt retelling how my cousin took himself to a friends house and when she had finished telling him off he said "but I didn't cross the road mummy I walked on the footpath the whole way" (cul de sac). I don't know what words were used but in his mind he'd been told never to cross the road and he didn't so it was ok. Maybe you told your son never to walk off and in his mind that meant the bike was ok, do you see what I am getting at?
I am much less patient about repeat offences. Particularly the 100th time (or what feels like it). This usually when I start punishing and realizing it's about me and my frustration and anger not them....
Tangent - I think the reason I don't worry about our yard being unfenced is that a fence would make no difference to my 5 or 9 yr old, they can climb anything we would be likely to erect, and often do, if they decide to roam a fence wont stop them. The only thing it might do is make them pause before chasing a ball, but i have seen my 5 yr old cry over a lost ball that was still in our yard that she knew she would not catch in time, so did not even try to chase. She was quite delighted to have it retreived for her (again with the literalness - our talks about not chasing balls seemed to have been interpretted as meannng NOONE could chase a ball that went on the road). And of course my toddler can't be unsupervised regardless of fence.
Last edited by MumOfThree; 01/10/12 03:42 PM.
