I know that no kid really loves chores but we've tried every punishment/incentive in the book and still, we're left scratching our heads, wondering where the heck we went wrong!!
If you haven't tried 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' by Lisa Bravo - then give it a try. Use it for all the kids - it works great for a team. It's hard to get started, but we had results with it much much better than anything else.
I will admit, I'm not the best at organization and having 5 kids doesn't help. I had to create a rigid schedule for after school or else I get NOTHING done. I can't bend the rules at all or else everything turns to a chaotic mess until I can finally wrangle the kids into pj's and declare it bedtime!! Mornings are no better Just substitute pj's and bed for car seats and school drop off!! I think that if I can finally get myself together, everything else MIGHT fall into place. But that might not ever happen. Cause I'm a master procrastinator...But I'm working on it. Promise
That's good that you have room for improvement in this area - because I can promise you that changing YOU is easier than changing DS11. Really.
I think it's great that you have a rigid plan - kids need structure, and adultsn need it too! I hope that Flylady.net and HouseFairy can show you how to have a rigid plan that is less painful to enforce.
One idea is to just set the timer for 15 minutes and brainstorm all the 'tension' areas in the home routine. Once they are on paper you can see which is the key one to work on next. Basically all you can do is work on one thing at a time while keeping all the systems that do work pretty well rolling. What works well in some families is for each kid to have a written down 'schedule' of all the AM and PM chores, so that you don't have to repeat yourself over and over and over. Pointing to the chart is easier on you, and you are less likely to get frustrated if you have a chart to point to. Some times this chart ends up in a plastic page protector so that the kids can make X after each job is complete. Then you have to add the step 'wipe off Xs' to the job chart.
From a 'Behaviorism' standpoint, the biggest positive reinforcer in your home is probably your (and DH's) attention - particularly since you have to slice it up. Take advantage of that! The 2nd biggest positive reinforcer for DS11 is probably the attention of the younger kids. What's great about Transforming is that it recognizes that there are some kids who are just as willing to 'go after' the yummy intensity of negative attention,as in yelling and 'needing supervision' as they are to work to recieve positive attention.
Remember, anything that gets the 'subject' to do anything is acting as a reinforcer. I think gifted kids are much more likely to be interested in reinforcers like 'respect' 'control' and 'power' than normally developing kids. I used to give out 'respect' points to DS, just as a way for him to get my attention for positives. I made them up out of gut reaction, and it must have been before Transforming, because I subtracted them too! DH though DS and I had lost our minds, because the points couldn't be redeemed, or trigger a consequence, they were just a form of communication - like a video game. In a similar vein, for a while DS and I passed a dollar bill back and forth whenever we saw behavior in the other that we wanted to appreciate. Like 10 times a day. DS loved to be acknowledged. I think because he was seldom appreciated during the school day, and couldn't do so many of the things the ND kids could do easily (like sit still - one of elementary school's highest achievements!) , and yet he know he was 'smarter' than them in some way. I remember being frustrated over that in Middle School. The girl with excellent Executive Function skill won all the awards, but I 'knew' that I understood and learned more fully than she did, and I resented it fiercely.
Anyway - hope that helps,
Grinity
