Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion How do I help her? I cried last night

Seriously I am so upset. My 3 year old is depressed. I saw everything I always felt growing up last night it her.

Ok I guess from the beginning of last night. DD had one really good friend who was 3 years older than her before we moved. They played together, talked together, shared together. She had several other "friends" too who she played with at different groups, but had this one really good friend.

Ok fast foward to we moved over the summer and now are in a place with fewer people, fewer resources, etc. So I have been trying to get DD out there to make friends, but it is hard because she is not in preschool. Our preschool would be awful for her, but basically every other child on the island is in preschool. I have offered it to DD but she doesn't want to go because she "has met those kids and they aren't like me."

So I have taken up knitting since moving here and we are now back in the PCR building with free childcare during it, so I am taking her. So last night she spent an hour there before she told them (not crying just told them) that they needed to go get me and that I was in knitting. So they did. When I got in there she was apparently upset that the kids in there were not "playing". Well I got it out of her that not playing meant that they were playing but were "scattered" ...her word. Meaning they were doing lots of parallel play, in their own world play, but DD didn't want that, she wanted to create a resturant and have customers and waiters, etc...and had attempted to create this elaborate play senario with nothing happening and she was frusterated.

Okay so I thought everything was fine until the middle of the night when she "woke up" (I think she was still half out of it) and I went in her room and she was screaming and the frustration and anger were evident and she was yelling and tears rolling down her face "Just do it! I want you to just do it! Why won't you just do it?!" This went on with her thrashing and almost falling off the bed until she woke up for real and then she was awake and wanted to read. So she got up and got some of her books, but instead of reading she started crying.

I asked what was wrong and this is what I got.... Well the short version anyhow since this went on for an HOUR!

Her- "I don't have any Friends!"

Me- "You have friends. What about.." and I started naming friends here she has.

Her- "But my friends don't FIT ME mom" "I need a friend that fits for me like clothes fit me. Who plays like me, who doesn't skip through the lines in mazes, who can act out characters, and who doesn't scatter all over the place." Then she proceeded to explain her metaphor to me that friends weren't really clothes and thats why she used the word like, but that they needed to fit her like clothes fit her. Then she said "I want a friend like me....I don't care of they are my size or what they look like, but I want a kid who fits me! I want them to fit perfectly!" (A big part of me was reeling at this point just do to the so un 3 year old nature of her speech that always throws me LOL)

I tried to explain that we can have friends that don't fit us perfectly, that we have one friend whe do one thing with, another we go swimming with, can have one friend we do crafts with, etc.... but this did not satisfy her.

I told her I knew how she felt. That I felt the same way growing up and it took me a long time to find a friend who fit me.

And then she proceeded to cry "It's going to take me even longer than it did you to find that friend"

My heart broke. She's probably right. I was HG, but on the lower end, went to a academic magnet school and was in the gifted program, I had a chance to find those peers. Here, we don't have anything like that. We live in such a small town with a single school. Her chances right now while we are here of finding that fit is not good.

And it doesn't help that while the best fit peer wise would be a 1st, 2nd grader or even 3rd grade, she is shorter than the rest of the 3 year olds. Which when we were in PA didn't seem like such a challange, the kids that she walked up to and tried to converse with were more open, but here it seems those kids automatically talk "at her" as she says instead of to her, and I think it may be most of the kids we have met here who are 6,7,8 have younger siblings who are her age and they see her as that, and don't give her a chance and she shuts off when they talk at her like a baby and she walks away.

What do I do? She is miserable and I am so sad. She seems fine this morning but I am just still so shaken from last night. I never expected those feelings from her so early. Kids her age don't typically have the type of friendships that she is seeking right?. How Do I explain that to her? How do I help her?

I do have her signed up for pottery once a month at the PCR starting the end of this month thru May which is for ages 2-5, then next month she has Parent Child Gooey Art once a week for 3-5, and then in March she has soccer for 3 and 4 year olds.

Please help. My heart is breaking for her that she feels so alone at this young of an age. She obviously gets that she is differnt. She has said it many times to me. She is constantly asking me why kids older then her don't know this or that, can't do this or that, and why the kids she sees doing the things she likes to do, reading the same books she likes to read at the library are all so much bigger than her. What do I say to that? I am so at a lost. I feel so down today. I always wanted friends growing up and had such a hard time making them, I think the gifty thing played into this but also I had a lot of Asperger traits and while DD has some, she doesn't really fit that as much as I did. I Just don't want her to be as miserable as I was growing up and it seems shes starting it earlier then I ever did!

If you read all this thank you! I know it was long

This is a hard thing to do for a 3 year old... older kids can link up on the Internet (CTY's Cogito site, for example, was HUGE for my D when she was about 12). But for little ones, much harder. A few questions:

- Is there any way to take a more extended vacation (not sure if you have a work schedule or something that needs to be accomodated) back to where you used to live? Say, a month in the summer? If she had that to look forward to, it might help.

- This is a tougher question, but are you obligated to live on the island for the duration of her childhood? Sounds like this is a kid who would benefit from a bigger pool of kids to draw from.

- If neither of these are possible (and even if they are), I think you will need to do what I did to a large extent with my D (now 15). I dug in and was her "friend" as well as her mom for several years until she found her own people on the internet and in late middle school/high school. I know more Harry Potter trivia, Lord of the Rings trivia, facts about owls, insect collecting procedures, etc. than I ever would have on my own! But it kept my D sane, I think (literally) until she could reach out more on her own.

- Does a pet make sense that she could help care for? For lonely kids, sometimes a friendly animal is a great comfort.

- Books, of course, are best friends for many gifted kids (they were sure mine!). Hard on the island, I am guessing (can you take a ferry or something to a larger town every couple of weeks for library stops?).

Great advice, intparent! I would add that it is okay IMHO to explain to her that the older kids she notices as being more like her are simply at a more similar mental level than kids her own age, and leave it at that. It's just a fact of life; she's going to notice differences between her and other people.

If she's always going to find other kids a less than perfect fit, maybe there are ways to help her appreciate others more. I dunno, but it seems like a useful skill to do that. I'd try to find ways for her to interact more with older kids, where she won't hopefully feel so hampered by playing with the other kids. There's got to be at least one older kid, even hopefully on a remote island in the Bering sea, that doesn't go through walls on mazes.

What about an older kid who could be kind of like an older brother or sister to her? Could you hire a young teen or preteen to "help" you with your DD?

Thank you all. I was so down last night and this morning....

Inparent- thank you so much. Hmm okay to answer questions...

-taking extended vacation- not really an option with the cost to get off the island. We are going to my mom's in Louisiana for two weeks in March/April but going back to PA isn't possible unfortunatly nor is having her firend comes here tovisit with the cost of a round trip ticket for one being over $2000

-are we obligated to live here for the duration of her childhood?-
Nope, and we probably wont. We moved her for DH's job and it was a great career oppertunity. We will most likely be here at least 3 more years though so that is tough.

-ferry trip-
Not happening LOL. The ferry runs once a month for 6 months out of the year (not running right now) and it is a 5 day ferry trip to mainland alaska. Yep we are out there LOL.

I talked to her about that I could be her friend but she very politely explained that I am an adult and she needs a kid, but I do think I will end up being it for a while

We had to leave our pet when we moved here, and she wants a hamster, but I am not sure how to get one on this island.

Locounu- Thank you for telling me its okay to do that. I have felt iunsure how to handle talking to her about the differences she is noticing.
Thats what I am trying to do, help her appreciate her other fiends, showing what they are good and at how they can be friends and enjoy playing together even if she feels its not a perfect fit.
Yep, there are older kids who don't got through walls on mazes, LOL She was doing mazes with one the other day

Cathy A- That would be a great idea, now I just need to find one. We have had one kid babysit who is an really gifted teen and was great with her. He said she reminded him of himself at that age. I think I need to look into having him come over a couple of times a month.

Thank you all I was just so distraught last night to hear her so miserable.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/Gross_PlayPartnerOrSureShelter.shtml This article may be of interest.

One thing I'd be mindful of is that there can be perfectionism at play here too for both of you. For her - friends should be perfect friends. For you - I've failed if I can't find my daughter the perfect friend.

DD does have huge perfectionism tendancies. She truggles with that in everything and we work on bshowing things don'thvae to be perfect everyday, but i never thought about it playing into this. Your right. She is looking for that PERFECT friend, and no one is ever going to be that. Thank you for the article. I glanced over it, but am going to really read in thouroughly tonight.

I really appreciate all the help. I did feel like a faliure. Like we took her away from where shehad some good fit friends and stuck her here and I can't fix it. Sigh.

Oh Amanda - tough night!
I remember leaving DS at daycare when he couldn't yet talk and somehow thinking that it would be easier when he could talk, then at 18 months, he went through another bout of seperation anxiety, and I wished with all my heart that he wasn't expressing in such detail and precision exactly what he was feeling.

You'll have to wait and see what happens - one dramatic night is 'healthy frustration' to be proud of. If it happens nightly, and she starts 'wilting' during the day, then you'll be faced with some terrible choices. It happens, but you aren't there yet.

As long as you are explaining that she is unusual, you may as well start coaching her to 'stay in the game' when the bigger kids make it clear that their first impression of her is 'baby.' You know she isn't a baby, and maybe she is insecure about it, but soon she will know that all she has to do is make a joke and hold her ground and soon-soon the word will get around that she's a genius desguised as a baby and all will be well. Role play it on the good days, ok?

And you need to quit thinking that her size actually matters. Look in the mirror and say: 'I used to think that she was too physically little to have older friends, but NOW I realize that I was selling everyong short.' About 50 times to start, and then as needed until you get out of that habit-thought. She gets it that it's what is on the inside that matters, so follow that lead!

Love and More Love Amanda Dear,
Grinity

Perhaps consider the different moms who have daughters that are 6-7-8 year olds, perhaps talk to those moms and ask for a test play date and see if any of the kids hit it off?

I'm so sorry the situation is so tough and I can't be of more help.

I feel for you. I found that when dd was 3 (now 5) finding a good social fit really hard. Harder than at any other time really. She just couldn't find her place. It has gotten easier as both she and her age peers have matured. She still has little in common with them, but she can at least communicate with them and they have a general idea what she's talking about. And she has a greater tolerance.
I think you mentioned in another post that she was displaying an increased level of tolerance - which is great. However I know for dd there is often a consequence to increases in 'public' tolerance and that she then becomes more emotional away from that environment and it becomes necessary to find other intellectual and emotional outlets for her. I really agree with all the advice you've been given so far, but the piece that rang true for me was needing to be her 'friend' in the sense of sharing her interests etc until you find yourself in a circumstance that is a better fit. Dd is really at her best when she's with adults and she feels she can be herself.

Good luck. And don't be too hard on yourself - you can only do what you can do. All your recent posts show how dedicated you are you can't do much better than that!