Seriously I am so upset. My 3 year old is depressed. I saw everything I always felt growing up last night it her.

Ok I guess from the beginning of last night. DD had one really good friend who was 3 years older than her before we moved. They played together, talked together, shared together. She had several other "friends" too who she played with at different groups, but had this one really good friend.

Ok fast foward to we moved over the summer and now are in a place with fewer people, fewer resources, etc. So I have been trying to get DD out there to make friends, but it is hard because she is not in preschool. Our preschool would be awful for her, but basically every other child on the island is in preschool. I have offered it to DD but she doesn't want to go because she "has met those kids and they aren't like me."

So I have taken up knitting since moving here and we are now back in the PCR building with free childcare during it, so I am taking her. So last night she spent an hour there before she told them (not crying just told them) that they needed to go get me and that I was in knitting. So they did. When I got in there she was apparently upset that the kids in there were not "playing". Well I got it out of her that not playing meant that they were playing but were "scattered" ...her word. Meaning they were doing lots of parallel play, in their own world play, but DD didn't want that, she wanted to create a resturant and have customers and waiters, etc...and had attempted to create this elaborate play senario with nothing happening and she was frusterated.

Okay so I thought everything was fine until the middle of the night when she "woke up" (I think she was still half out of it) and I went in her room and she was screaming and the frustration and anger were evident and she was yelling and tears rolling down her face "Just do it! I want you to just do it! Why won't you just do it?!" This went on with her thrashing and almost falling off the bed until she woke up for real and then she was awake and wanted to read. So she got up and got some of her books, but instead of reading she started crying.

I asked what was wrong and this is what I got.... Well the short version anyhow since this went on for an HOUR!

Her- "I don't have any Friends!"

Me- "You have friends. What about.." and I started naming friends here she has.

Her- "But my friends don't FIT ME mom" "I need a friend that fits for me like clothes fit me. Who plays like me, who doesn't skip through the lines in mazes, who can act out characters, and who doesn't scatter all over the place." Then she proceeded to explain her metaphor to me that friends weren't really clothes and thats why she used the word like, but that they needed to fit her like clothes fit her. Then she said "I want a friend like me....I don't care of they are my size or what they look like, but I want a kid who fits me! I want them to fit perfectly!" (A big part of me was reeling at this point just do to the so un 3 year old nature of her speech that always throws me LOL)

I tried to explain that we can have friends that don't fit us perfectly, that we have one friend whe do one thing with, another we go swimming with, can have one friend we do crafts with, etc.... but this did not satisfy her.

I told her I knew how she felt. That I felt the same way growing up and it took me a long time to find a friend who fit me.

And then she proceeded to cry "It's going to take me even longer than it did you to find that friend"

My heart broke. She's probably right. I was HG, but on the lower end, went to a academic magnet school and was in the gifted program, I had a chance to find those peers. Here, we don't have anything like that. We live in such a small town with a single school. Her chances right now while we are here of finding that fit is not good.

And it doesn't help that while the best fit peer wise would be a 1st, 2nd grader or even 3rd grade, she is shorter than the rest of the 3 year olds. Which when we were in PA didn't seem like such a challange, the kids that she walked up to and tried to converse with were more open, but here it seems those kids automatically talk "at her" as she says instead of to her, and I think it may be most of the kids we have met here who are 6,7,8 have younger siblings who are her age and they see her as that, and don't give her a chance and she shuts off when they talk at her like a baby and she walks away.

What do I do? She is miserable and I am so sad. She seems fine this morning but I am just still so shaken from last night. I never expected those feelings from her so early. Kids her age don't typically have the type of friendships that she is seeking right?. How Do I explain that to her? How do I help her?

I do have her signed up for pottery once a month at the PCR starting the end of this month thru May which is for ages 2-5, then next month she has Parent Child Gooey Art once a week for 3-5, and then in March she has soccer for 3 and 4 year olds.

Please help. My heart is breaking for her that she feels so alone at this young of an age. She obviously gets that she is differnt. She has said it many times to me. She is constantly asking me why kids older then her don't know this or that, can't do this or that, and why the kids she sees doing the things she likes to do, reading the same books she likes to read at the library are all so much bigger than her. What do I say to that? I am so at a lost. I feel so down today. I always wanted friends growing up and had such a hard time making them, I think the gifty thing played into this but also I had a lot of Asperger traits and while DD has some, she doesn't really fit that as much as I did. I Just don't want her to be as miserable as I was growing up and it seems shes starting it earlier then I ever did!

If you read all this thank you! I know it was long

This is a hard thing to do for a 3 year old... older kids can link up on the Internet (CTY's Cogito site, for example, was HUGE for my D when she was about 12). But for little ones, much harder. A few questions:

- Is there any way to take a more extended vacation (not sure if you have a work schedule or something that needs to be accomodated) back to where you used to live? Say, a month in the summer? If she had that to look forward to, it might help.

- This is a tougher question, but are you obligated to live on the island for the duration of her childhood? Sounds like this is a kid who would benefit from a bigger pool of kids to draw from.

- If neither of these are possible (and even if they are), I think you will need to do what I did to a large extent with my D (now 15). I dug in and was her "friend" as well as her mom for several years until she found her own people on the internet and in late middle school/high school. I know more Harry Potter trivia, Lord of the Rings trivia, facts about owls, insect collecting procedures, etc. than I ever would have on my own! But it kept my D sane, I think (literally) until she could reach out more on her own.

- Does a pet make sense that she could help care for? For lonely kids, sometimes a friendly animal is a great comfort.

- Books, of course, are best friends for many gifted kids (they were sure mine!). Hard on the island, I am guessing (can you take a ferry or something to a larger town every couple of weeks for library stops?).

Great advice, intparent! I would add that it is okay IMHO to explain to her that the older kids she notices as being more like her are simply at a more similar mental level than kids her own age, and leave it at that. It's just a fact of life; she's going to notice differences between her and other people.

If she's always going to find other kids a less than perfect fit, maybe there are ways to help her appreciate others more. I dunno, but it seems like a useful skill to do that. I'd try to find ways for her to interact more with older kids, where she won't hopefully feel so hampered by playing with the other kids. There's got to be at least one older kid, even hopefully on a remote island in the Bering sea, that doesn't go through walls on mazes.

What about an older kid who could be kind of like an older brother or sister to her? Could you hire a young teen or preteen to "help" you with your DD?

Thank you all. I was so down last night and this morning....

Inparent- thank you so much. Hmm okay to answer questions...

-taking extended vacation- not really an option with the cost to get off the island. We are going to my mom's in Louisiana for two weeks in March/April but going back to PA isn't possible unfortunatly nor is having her firend comes here tovisit with the cost of a round trip ticket for one being over $2000

-are we obligated to live here for the duration of her childhood?-
Nope, and we probably wont. We moved her for DH's job and it was a great career oppertunity. We will most likely be here at least 3 more years though so that is tough.

-ferry trip-
Not happening LOL. The ferry runs once a month for 6 months out of the year (not running right now) and it is a 5 day ferry trip to mainland alaska. Yep we are out there LOL.

I talked to her about that I could be her friend but she very politely explained that I am an adult and she needs a kid, but I do think I will end up being it for a while

We had to leave our pet when we moved here, and she wants a hamster, but I am not sure how to get one on this island.

Locounu- Thank you for telling me its okay to do that. I have felt iunsure how to handle talking to her about the differences she is noticing.
Thats what I am trying to do, help her appreciate her other fiends, showing what they are good and at how they can be friends and enjoy playing together even if she feels its not a perfect fit.
Yep, there are older kids who don't got through walls on mazes, LOL She was doing mazes with one the other day

Cathy A- That would be a great idea, now I just need to find one. We have had one kid babysit who is an really gifted teen and was great with her. He said she reminded him of himself at that age. I think I need to look into having him come over a couple of times a month.

Thank you all I was just so distraught last night to hear her so miserable.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_social/Gross_PlayPartnerOrSureShelter.shtml This article may be of interest.

One thing I'd be mindful of is that there can be perfectionism at play here too for both of you. For her - friends should be perfect friends. For you - I've failed if I can't find my daughter the perfect friend.

DD does have huge perfectionism tendancies. She truggles with that in everything and we work on bshowing things don'thvae to be perfect everyday, but i never thought about it playing into this. Your right. She is looking for that PERFECT friend, and no one is ever going to be that. Thank you for the article. I glanced over it, but am going to really read in thouroughly tonight.

I really appreciate all the help. I did feel like a faliure. Like we took her away from where shehad some good fit friends and stuck her here and I can't fix it. Sigh.

Oh Amanda - tough night!
I remember leaving DS at daycare when he couldn't yet talk and somehow thinking that it would be easier when he could talk, then at 18 months, he went through another bout of seperation anxiety, and I wished with all my heart that he wasn't expressing in such detail and precision exactly what he was feeling.

You'll have to wait and see what happens - one dramatic night is 'healthy frustration' to be proud of. If it happens nightly, and she starts 'wilting' during the day, then you'll be faced with some terrible choices. It happens, but you aren't there yet.

As long as you are explaining that she is unusual, you may as well start coaching her to 'stay in the game' when the bigger kids make it clear that their first impression of her is 'baby.' You know she isn't a baby, and maybe she is insecure about it, but soon she will know that all she has to do is make a joke and hold her ground and soon-soon the word will get around that she's a genius desguised as a baby and all will be well. Role play it on the good days, ok?

And you need to quit thinking that her size actually matters. Look in the mirror and say: 'I used to think that she was too physically little to have older friends, but NOW I realize that I was selling everyong short.' About 50 times to start, and then as needed until you get out of that habit-thought. She gets it that it's what is on the inside that matters, so follow that lead!

Love and More Love Amanda Dear,
Grinity

Perhaps consider the different moms who have daughters that are 6-7-8 year olds, perhaps talk to those moms and ask for a test play date and see if any of the kids hit it off?

I'm so sorry the situation is so tough and I can't be of more help.

I feel for you. I found that when dd was 3 (now 5) finding a good social fit really hard. Harder than at any other time really. She just couldn't find her place. It has gotten easier as both she and her age peers have matured. She still has little in common with them, but she can at least communicate with them and they have a general idea what she's talking about. And she has a greater tolerance.
I think you mentioned in another post that she was displaying an increased level of tolerance - which is great. However I know for dd there is often a consequence to increases in 'public' tolerance and that she then becomes more emotional away from that environment and it becomes necessary to find other intellectual and emotional outlets for her. I really agree with all the advice you've been given so far, but the piece that rang true for me was needing to be her 'friend' in the sense of sharing her interests etc until you find yourself in a circumstance that is a better fit. Dd is really at her best when she's with adults and she feels she can be herself.

Good luck. And don't be too hard on yourself - you can only do what you can do. All your recent posts show how dedicated you are you can't do much better than that!

We're starting to see perfectionism too, and it's totally gonna kill me. Did you know even reusable stickers can't be repositioned over a dozzen times by a little boy with cookie on his hands?

I've noticed that the best kids for DS to play with are only children. They're often a little lonely to begin with, and they don't make assumptions based on their little siblings. Once, DS got totally shafted by a kid who clearly assumed that all kids DS's age had average motor skills, and could read. After keeping an eye on them for a while, I'm pretty sure the little brother was more precocious than DS intellectually, but not in fine motor stuff. Big Bro was just going by what he knew. DS was livid to be talked down to, and frustrated because he didn't understand at the same time.

The only solution was to go get bannanas in the caf.

Uh: Upshot:

I can see why she wants a friend who "Fits," but she might have to learn to deal with dissapointment. I STILL haven't had a friend who fits, and I'm almost 10 times her age!

But maybe try to find a free-range only child?

Why do I sometimes feel a bit like I'm blind and trying to lead the sighted folks about?

-Mich

What I did to solve play dates where the IQ's were obviously mismatched is I dumbed down the activities so they were inclusive of all. For example, we'd rent a fun Pixar movie (because the storyline is simple but the undercurrents were often quite adult humor to appeal to both levels). We also did fun baking projects like decorating cookies with sprinkles, making homemade playdough and crafting things out of it, or playing tag or other physical activities outside. As long as the activities centered around an inclusive activity or physical activity, we were fine. It might help your daughter enjoy the kids available for her to play with, because we can't always find the perfect match in every situation.

Hope this helps ...

You have gotten a lot of good insight and ideas here.

I read this post during a 2 minute internet break earlier today, and was struck by how this is some of the same conversation we are having in our house, only not so painful.

DD, who turned 4 over Christmas break, has been asking, "Mama, why don't they play with me?" after a play date. We wonder why she does not pal around with the other girls her age at preschool. "They don't want to play." We got 2 babysitters to watch five of our kids while we all had dinner, and they said our DD went around trying to ignite play, but the others all played independently. I just assumed it was a personality difference.

DD's best friends are 11 and 6 and adults. Her 11 year old friend is an actor at heart, so the two of them march around acting out plots and inventing scenarios. They dress up, wear face paint, build sets and have props. It gets very elaborate. I frankly don't do that kind of thing well. DH is awesome at it.

My 80 year old mother was here for two weeks and DD would take her into the bedroom, shut the door, and keep her there, pretending to ride all over the place on the subway (has DD ever been on a subway? no) for hours. Like, 8 hours a day! My mother (the trooper) couldn't believe it, but she put up with it.

I can't hack all the pretend stuff but DD is begging me to play with her. So we play UNO and Yahtzee, draw, cook, and read. I just got a science and biology book that I'm enjoying immensely and sharing with her. And I put my old make up on her and we discuss God. Always fun to contemplate the Big Bang Theory and God while in drag queen make up.

Anyway, I wanted to suggest
A. my daughter commute to play with your daughter, because when I mentioned your post to DH at the dinner table, DD chimed in and said, "I'LL PLAY WITH HER!"
B. You find a creative person of any age, or acting group, for her to play with,
C. You connect her with a senior who has a deep love for children.

These suggestions aren't ideal, but I'm just thinking about your community.

I really agree with the observations about perfectionism in her. And Grinity's point about having a child who can articulate the angst that plagues the raw, underdeveloped nervous system of a preschooler is not for the faint of heart. And about how long it takes any of us to find a perfect friend.

Oh my! Thank you all I am in tears now because I don't feel so alone. It is so hard to hear her pain. All of you had so many great words.

Seablue- Oh I wish they could commute. I am sorry you are having the same experiences. And Oh my, the grandma and subway thing.....that was Ansley while Nana was here. She took Nana and made her play pretend for hours and hours and hours. My mom was such the trooper and Ansley si miserable that Nana has left t go back home because she had that undivided play. I am not great at the Play stuff but I am going to have to be!

Yes DD tries to ignite play, it just doesn't happen much with that age group I guess.

ABQ mom- Thats exactly what works best and what I have told DH I am going to do on play dates, those are the ones where DD is the happiest after because she got to do something with them.

Micheala- Your post made me smile. You are so right.

Kvmum- You know I have noticed the same thing. She is being so much more tolerant in public but she is craving metal stimuls more after and she is more frusterated, emotional, etc at home soon after.

Jesse- I know, I need to meet more moms and see if we can try. I know DD would be happier.

Grinity- I always feel like you really understand and after reading your post I just sighed and felt some peace. It is so hard hearing her express those feelings but well she feels them.


Things are better tonight. She went down, no problem. And we had dinner with one of her firends tonight. We meet at Safeway (yep the grocery store is one of the only resturants here!) And we had sandwiches and the girls played and DD got frusterated once, but her friend while she didn't understand exactly what the senario DD was acting out involving "Knights and Saviors" She hid with DD under the table etc, and DD told me in the car on the way up the mountain. "Mom, it felt like it fit okay tonight."
I was so thrilled that she was at least happy!

Alright I am off to bed. DH left the island for work for a few days so I will have my hands full.

That's the spirit! What a blessing that we get to be experts in whole new areas! I used to set a timer for imaginary play, so I could relax into it - knowing that "I can do anything for 15 minutes!" I guess the point here is to develop our patience for when they get to be teenagers - LOL!

I've seen lots of 'when they get better in public, they have to pay the price at home.' I think it is a very good sign, but then there is a next step where we start expecting them to handle the strong emotions themselves - not at age 3 for sure - just at some point, depending on the child. Because what we feed grows and it's a very fine line for some kids. My tendency is to err on the side of allowing feelings to be expressed, which is why 'Nurtured Heart Approach' was so valuable to me. Really - one time I substitute taught a 5th grade religious school class that was known to be 'shy, reserved, not the brightest ones' and within 90 minutes we were having such a lively discussion that the principal had to come down the hall and glare at us. I could tell that she was impressed underneath.

Anyway, another trick I used with DS when he was feeling isolated was to tell him about some of the challenges and experiences all of the other online gifties were having. Sometimes I asked his advice. Sometimes I told it as news, as if we were all distant cousins. Just so he know that there existed other kids with similar challenges. So you can tell your DD that Auntie Grinity had to play pretend 'momma and baby dinosaur' with her son because the other kids didn't know what dinos were, and that they laid eggs. So Moms can stand in for friends to some degree, and she isn't the only one in that situation.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

We did LOTS of reading aloud when my Ds were little. By the time D was 4, we were reading some really long chapter books. She was pretty fearless, and ADORED Harry Potter. So you might start branching into some harder chapter books for reading aloud if she is ready. Just saying if you can't take one more game of Candyland

This brings back memories for me as I grew up in a pretty isolated place. And we just also moved too (though to a great-for-kids town, and it's temporary -- so that part is quite different from your situation).

Anyways -- I'm posting to say that it often helps to break down the pain into as many multiple parts that is has.

1. The giftedness is a huge issue, which won't go away, just be dealt with. It leads to a childhood long difficulty with finding appropriate friends and there's no getting around it.

2. With a move there is also a lack of connection to anyone -- the checkout lady at the grocery store, the post office. Part of a feeling of need for a perfect friend is just basic displacement and loneliness for a community so that will get better on it's own as it turns one does get to know the adults enough to see the value in talking to them.

3. Next, obviously, you've moved to a really isolated place. It means a complete world view change in terms of how you and DD spend your moment to moment day. I recall extremely long winters spent indoors. A lot of boredom but also a lot of teaching of creativity that most suburban/city kids seem to be completely lacking (no offense intended to creative city kids out there). An isolated place is something kids do adapt to usually (less so the parents).

4. It's mid-winter. It's a awful time of year in the far north - cabin fever is a kind of loneliness. There is no getting around that but it also means that part of the lonely feeling for DD (and you I'm sure too) will go away.

So out of the 4 things I can think of just the giftedness is really there to stay for DD, the other things are eventually probably adjusted to for her.

My tips from having grown up bored in a isolated place:

Develop a interest in everything that people seem to like there: ice skating, ice fishing, the aurora, making pemmican or whatever native foods there are, indoor grow-light gardening, bingo night, curling. 4H. Go to church, even if you wouldn't usually, (or go to a different one than you might if the community there is more welcoming). Make friends with your neighbors and with their pets if you can't get one right now (offer to come over to relieve a neighbor's dogs boredom (puppy playtime) if the owner is gone all day or even just because your DD would like to). You can put your name out to do $1 an hour baby-sitting by saying you are bored and DD would love to just have another kid around. You can offer to watch the kids during a church or other organizations meetings. You could offer to volunteer at a local elementary school (Just call and say you are a bored mom new to town and would like to volunteer to read stories to K-3 kids or anything else they might like you to do). Or volunteer to help with a sunday school. (Then mention it's conditional on if they would let you bring DD as a tag along). After DD takes a class, if you marginally get along with the instructor offer to volunteer to help with older child classes if DD can tag along. Borrow things from all your neighbors, even if you don't really need to, then return the item 2fold (ie if it was flour bring them a new whole container) and bring cookies etc.

The more you fill up your days with lots of kids and activities the less DD will notice the lack of a age-mate type good friend.

It's wonderful it's not permanent, because a whole life on a small island would surely be limiting. As a few years and before formal schooling, it would be a crazy-hard adjustment but also a growth experience in the end. Kids that grow up in suburbs and cities are so cookie cutter in their experiences (again no offense intended to not-so-cookie cutter city kids out there). There is NO way after this experience your DD will not have a unique, and purely because of it's uniqueness a valuable outlook on life for the rest of her life.

Sorry that was SO long... I am long winded by nature, probably because as a child in a remote place I had nothing to do but elaborate on all my ideas. LOL. Just kidding, it's genetic, my mom talks non-stop also.

Polly

I really think the idea of finding some grandmas and grandpas who are seperated from their grandchildren to adopt would be great. it would be a shoulder and friend for you as well.
I know that just breaking lose and dancing around with my little man at that age was fun. As an adult it can be difficult to look stupid/silly/foolish. Dance like noone is looking.
Finding a totolly new skill for her to learn in a class would put her on an equal level with who ever is in the class. This may work for soccer if she has never done it. I always try to help my son see how he is like another child instead of how they are different. this may lead to a kinder gentler world ultimately. See here on this site we are all parents of kids with higher than average IQ's. One commonality amoung 100's of difference- whoa getting philisophical there for a Friday afternoon.

It's so heartbreaking not to be able to do anything about their very real troubles, isn't it? My DS8 has had lots of broken-hearted woe and tears over the years, and it doesn't get any easier to help -- and we're not in Alaska!

I think perhaps it might help if you enlist the help of the older children. Find likely candidates in that 8-ish age range and talk to them privately about your DD and how she could be a great playmate for them -- explain that she isn't like the "babies" that they probably compare her to, and ask them to try being her friend. Then turn them loose and see what happens. I think that would be easier and faster than waiting for them to notice on their own while she sits around being frustrated at being misunderstood. And they will get to feel like they are part of a secret, like they know something that other people don't.

Thanks again yall. Today was a wonderful day for her. I think I have found that "grandparent" figure. She is an older lady in my knitting group and is so kind and gentle hearted and hears my stories of DD during knitting and is a facebook friend, and yesterday she said to me she would love to come over and draw with DD and bake cookies etc. This could be a really good thing.

DD played with one of her friends today and did a good job even though she later talked to me about some frustrations that she had, but she handled herself well and said that it was fun overall. The bad thing is this friend is moving in May off the island. The friend's parents have not told her and wont till a few weeks before they move according to the mom. I feel like I need to prepare DD before then because of how she reacted to us having to leave her friends. (Under the table telling me that "I hate you." She had a difficult difficult time.) But I am afraind DD will say something to her friend. GAAH

Polly- Thanks so much for all you tips. Its nice to hear from someone with some experiences in the rural isolation. Your right, most of the things are just adjustements.

Again thanks all!

Yay! Hope it works well for everyone.

Sorry her one friend is moving. Hang in there, it will all work out somehow.

Thanks I am inviting our grandmother figure over to spend time next week. It sould be good hopefully for all of us, plus it gives me some time with another adult LOL