Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy DS7 says he hates me???

I agree with Cat. My DS just turned 6 and is in kindergarten. He's been having crazy mood swings this week. He is tired and ready for the Thanksgiving break. He told me multiple times this week that he hated me when he didn't get what he wanted. Today he didn't want me more than a few feet away from him and said that my coming to school was the highlight of his day. I used his "wanting mommy" mood to tell him how much his words hurt yesterday. He couldn't even remember being mad at me.

I have a slightly different take on this. I think little kids find it slightly terrifying that they have the power to hurt their parents. They need to know that their parents are strong enough to still be calm and in control and emotionally okay, even if they (the kid) flails against them.

This struck me from the original post: "After his massive tantrum this morning he started crying and saying that he was afraid no one in the family would like him anymore because he is so mean." To me that sounds like a kid who is already freaking out about his power to hurt other people.

Like others, I wouldn't let "I hate you" slide. But I would say something like, "Wow, it sounds like you're really having strong feelings." Later, in a calmer moment, I would have a discussion about the behavior and why it's not okay, what some alternatives are for dealing with feelings, and why an apology is necessary when you do lose it.

In other words, I wouldn't ever put it in terms of "You hurt me, and things are not going to be okay unless you do something to un-hurt me." That's giving a child too much power in the parent-child relationship, power that they are not equipped to handle.

I tried a lighter approach and sometimes DD wasn't in a "strong feelings" mood, it was just trying to be powerful with words. And she has to learn that it is a power that is unacceptable.

Like, "clean up your room before you play with the pyramid". "I hate you". Not with strong feelings, just trying to get her way. Just like some kids might hit. She can't hit, so she started trying this. First I ignored it or treated it like a brush off. Then I realized it was not some one off slight. It was becoming part of the her reaction to something she didn't want to do. So I put a stop to it. I am not saying there wasn't any time that there were strong feelings attached and she got emotional. But not most of the time.

Ren

Excellent points, MegMeg. I have thought this about DS in the past; although he has never said "I hate you," we did have a stretch of unusually bad behavior. Because his birthmother abandoned him (at age 6, not as an infant - he was already living with his dad & me full-time and she just stopped calling), I chalked it up to him trying to find out just how bad he had to be before we abandon him, too (assuming he thought he was too bad to keep his mother).

We never explicitly discussed it, although I did once say "you can never do anything so bad that I will stop loving you, so please stop trying to find that point. It doesn't exist." I have no idea whether he understood or not; eventually he got back to his normal self.

I assumed it was because of our unusual situation, but given MegMeg's comments, maybe kids in more traditional situations experience the same need to test.

Get a good handle on his diet. Sometimes the smallest things can have the biggest effect. kids today are eating way too much crap.

This is coming from my own perspective, so take it for what it's worth.

Kids try on a lot of emotions and tactics to test you, to see what gets a rise out of you, what hurts you, what brings consequences that they don't want to experience again. And my gifted kids often challenged me as a parent more in this way.

The fact that your child can turn it on and off (not exhibiting this kind of extreme reaction or using cruel comments at school but turning them on at home) indicates to me that he is choosing to behave this way with you because it gets him something he wants - whether he's aware of doing this or not.

So analyze your response to his declarations that he hates you, his extreme display of emotions. And then ask yourself what he is getting out of that response.

Are you getting hurt and focusing on emotions so that he is let out of doing what was asked of him? If so, my bet is that he's using his behavior to get out of work he doesn't want to do. Do you drop what you were doing to focus on him and give him intense attention to analyze what's wrong with him? If this is the case, perhaps he is learning that the way to get your undivided attention is to become a worry through his behavior and words.

When you figure out what he is getting out of this interchange, you'll know how to change so that he gets what he needs in a healthier way.

My kids all tried out the "I hate you" routine on me, but only once. I came down firm, swift, and matter of fact with a lecture about how our hurtful words can wound another and that we can't take things back that we've said. I taught them without showing emotion of my own that we have every right to tell others how they make us feel - I'm feeling very angry, what you said made me mad, etc. - but that we did not have the right to be cruel when we were expressing our emotions. I then exacted a punishment that was extreme (I think my oldest had her coloring books and crayons removed for several days because she was still very little when she tried this tactic on me).

If your child is doing this to get out of work, make sure it doesn't work. If your child is doing it to get attention, make sure you make a concerted effort to set aside what you are doing to give him one on one time that is positive and productive - not to analyze his feelings or talk about yours, but to talk about his day, about some cool idea he's exploring, to show him how to do something new on the computer, etc.

If he was not able to control his feelings or expressions in every situation (school, home, the store, etc.), then I'd be more worried about an organic or emotional problem that needed intervention. This just sounds more like a very smart child trying out behaviors to see what reaction they get and how this serves him.

Oh - and I just saw your last comment about his father going to Afghanistan. If he is sensing the worry, anxiety, and more intense emotions from you - and kids are amazing barometers of our fears even if we are careful not to talk in front of them - this acting out may be a reaction to his own sense of things not being "right" at home. A calm conversation that focuses completely on how the changes will affect him and what plans you are making so that he knows his own world isn't going to be rocked (kids are self-centric and really need to know that they're going to be ok when change is pushed upon them), he may calm down as well. If he's overheard conversations or just picked up on the unspoken anxiety, he may not have the words to express what he's really afraid of.

Hope this helps. If not, please just ignore.

Actually, ABQMom, that does make sense. I've been careful not to let him use extreme emotions to get out of chores or homework, and have tried (sometimes unsuccessfully) to avoid showing that it hurts when he does that. But maybe I should look more carefully at how I have been responding and figure out what he is gaining from it. Thanks!

I always hate to think of things like this in terms of "tactics"; relationships with kids should never conceived of as a battle. Is it possible your son is trying to use emotional attacks to manipulate you? Yes - but then you have to ask the question, "Why would he want/need to?" Surely it's not normal for a child to feel the need to do something so cold-hearted and extreme. And I would doubt this is what's going on anyway, given what you said about his breaking down and worrying that he will alienate his family. Whatever is going on in his mind - whether there's intent behind his behavior or not - it sounds to me very much like the basis of it all is stress. It may well be that your son is feeling stress at school but has decided to give up the fight because of previous bad experiences - so the anger is coming out at home.

Hi Treecritter--is your DS taking any medications? We were shocked recently to discover that an allergy medication that had been prescribed sometimes had huge emotional side effects: something we discovered when our DS began having huge emotional meltdowns that were extreme, even given his naturally intense/emotional personality. Not sure if that is relevant to your situation or not, but if he's taking medications for anything it's worth checking out possible side effects.