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Hi everyone. My DD8 was in 2nd grade last year but started almost half-way through the year going to third grade in the morning and then back to 2nd in the afternoon. For this year, she was just placed in 4th full-time. It's been working out really well for her. The academics are mostly new to her if not challenging, she has some great friends, and she's really come out of her shell.

Well, today she had a friend over who is amongst her friends who are in third grade (her old classmates) and this girl's mom was saying that several of the girls and their moms are "jealous" about DD having skipped a grade. I'm not sure if jealous was the best choice of words, but in any case, apparently there is some degree of discomfort about my DD and her academic situation. We live in a small town and so there is a bit of the everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips type of thing. And while I've had a few parents ask me about the situation (and about DS6 skipping K), which is always uncomfortable, no one has ever really questioned the appropriateness of it. (I should note here that DD is not one who is obviously years-ahead-of average. Although she is obviously very smart, she tends to keep her abilities and knowledge to herself in social situations, preferring to blend in. So, the fact that she is years-above-average may not be known to the kids and their parents.) One parent did ask if she's no longer bored, to which I replied that it wasn't really that she was bored but that she just needed something different. I try hard in these situations to downplay it with a quick statement of "it just needed to be done." I'm a fairly shy person and don't like to make waves so I kinda hate it that we're the subject of talk around town and that DD is the object of some resentment, particularly since no one has ever said anything to our face. BTW: We try hard to make sure she regularly gets together with kids from both grades, and DD is very well liked (or so everyone says) by everyone. Also, no one has ever reported hearing my DD brag about being in a different grade, and in fact she hates to have to explain it to people so she doesn't bring it up. But still, it's not something she can hide from those who go to school with her.

Anyway, I guess I'm just venting, but has anyone else ever faced being talked about behind your back for the schooling decisions you've made? How do you deal with it? Do you just ignore it? Should I talk to DD and let her know that some people are uncomfortable about the situation, or should I just let her remain oblivious as she is now?

I, personally, have not dealt with this since my DD is only 3 but would like to offer a big hug and a little advice. It certainly can not be easy for you, especially when you live in a small town atmosphere. I grew up in a small town and know what it is like to have everybody know everyone else's business. What I can say is to let it go. You can not change the gossip and hurt feelings nor should you have to. People are going to gossip and for now your daughter and family is the focus. The best thing you can do is live your life and not worry about them. In time, they will come to realize your daughter needed to be moved up and even if they don't, the important thing is you knew she needed it. As for talking to your DD, absolutely not. She might in time figure it out and you should be there for the questions but I wouldn't make it something for her to focus on.

We have experienced similar at school, in community, and in our church. Its really hard for me emotionally and I try to shield my dd from it as much as possible.

Hopefully the gossiping isn't going on in her new classroom as much?

DD has requested that from now on when people ask about her giftedness/partial grade skip, I tell them that she is secretly an alien and that's why she is so good at math. I haven't had a chance to try this out yet, but I'm curious how it will play out. In the past I have been so supportive of the kids asking about dd's giftedness and I just can't give the "everyone learns at their own pace" speech again this year.

I wish I had something positive to say.

Hilarious! If only I were bold enough to say this!

Actually, things have been really going well in her new classroom. She has a really good group of nice, smart friends who include her in everything as if she is their age. She gets invited to all the birthday parties, even the smaller ones where just a few of the girls get to go. And, according to her teacher who I chat with often, she hasn't seen anyone treat her any differently because of her age. She looks the part and acts the part and if you didn't know she was younger you wouldn't be able to tell.

She did have an incident yesterday in school where one of her friends was whispering about her to another of her friends, and it really perplexed her and saddened her, because they have been good friends with her. I suppose it could be because of the age difference, but, like I said, no one -- including these two girls -- has ever expressed any feelings about her being younger or about her being "smart". Could just be the general cattiness of girls this age, too.

Oh, and none of the parents I know of the kids in her class this year have mentioned anything to me at all about her being younger. Most wouldn't even know, and the couple that do know haven't said anything and treat her as just their daughters' friend.

The thing that really gets me is that between any two grades the actual age difference can be as small as two days or as large as a year and that's not counting kids held back for whatever reason. Count those in and you are looking kids in the SAME grade having an age spread of up to nearly two years. I don't get the I'm in 5th and you're in 4th so you aren't as "special' or whatnot. Honestly you are talking about an age difference of days in some cases.

When you actually look at the numbers a one grade skip really doesn't change the age range all that much and really isn't an eye-popping concept.

Feeling a bit snitty at the moment...

We didn't tell anyone for as long as we could avoid telling just to avoid the issues. We finally had to come clean when some of dd's friends in the neighborhood knew b/c they were at school with her and she wasn't going to be at that school anymore the next year due to moving into middle school.

In our instance, dd is pretty obviously well out of the norm even in GT classes, so I can't say that anyone said anything (at least that I heard) about it being unwarranted. We do have other parents who have repeatedly mentioned how their kids are gifted too and who inquired about why dd was skipped or how we went about making that happen.

I, too, tried to be low-key and just replied with something like, "it is what the school recommended," which is true.

I understand what you mean about the "jealously" feelings even if that is not quite the right word. I think that it has something to do with the misperception that gifted kids come from parents who did something right. If your kid is less gifted than mine, then I did something better. One mom at dd#'s school referred to elementary parents as having a "pissing contest." It seems to be an extention of the parents competition that happens with babies -- whose walks first, etc.

I don't think that I've gotten as much in the way of competitiveness from parents of older kids, so perhaps it will abate a bit for you as well as your dc get older.

I think this is difficult to answer because personality does play a part in how you handle a given situation.

I am not shy and we live in small town, rife with all those things you mention. Personally I couldn't give a toss about what other people think about our situation, whether it be to my face or behind my back. Therefore I have no problem ignoring it, but that is easier said than done for a lot of people, or basically telling someone who I think has over stepped the mark to mind their own business.

Your DD sounds very well adjusted and I see no reason to discuss this with her. Don't burden her with the petty opinions of other parents.

We haven't skipped our D, but I do know parents (and teachers) talk behind our backs. D goes to a K-12 independent school. When she entered K, we met with the teacher ahead of time to share D's Stanford-Binet results (a score in the profoundly gifted range) and the report provided by the person who tested her. The teacher then told another parent (!!!!), who then shared that info with many others. One of my friends told me that this info was going around; she told me the score that was rumored, and it was correct. I immediately went to the principal, who in turn disciplined the teacher. But 10 years later (D is in 9th grade now), this still comes up occasionally from parents or teachers...

In some ways it is probably easier to deal with than your situation, though, since I don't think most parents really think their kids would score that high anyway.

I'm sure there is a form of jealousy and discomfort but they don't have a modicom of understanding of the situation.

How could they?

Do they know how long it took for your decsion and how much research, reading and discussing it took for you to make it? Of course not.

You should speak openly about it. The scuttlebutt will disappear with education. It has here. Our starting point has always been the "something wasn't quite right and we couldn't put our finger on it...." point.

I hope it settles down for you.