Hi everyone. My DD8 was in 2nd grade last year but started almost half-way through the year going to third grade in the morning and then back to 2nd in the afternoon. For this year, she was just placed in 4th full-time. It's been working out really well for her. The academics are mostly new to her if not challenging, she has some great friends, and she's really come out of her shell.

Well, today she had a friend over who is amongst her friends who are in third grade (her old classmates) and this girl's mom was saying that several of the girls and their moms are "jealous" about DD having skipped a grade. I'm not sure if jealous was the best choice of words, but in any case, apparently there is some degree of discomfort about my DD and her academic situation. We live in a small town and so there is a bit of the everyone knows everyone and everyone gossips type of thing. And while I've had a few parents ask me about the situation (and about DS6 skipping K), which is always uncomfortable, no one has ever really questioned the appropriateness of it. (I should note here that DD is not one who is obviously years-ahead-of average. Although she is obviously very smart, she tends to keep her abilities and knowledge to herself in social situations, preferring to blend in. So, the fact that she is years-above-average may not be known to the kids and their parents.) One parent did ask if she's no longer bored, to which I replied that it wasn't really that she was bored but that she just needed something different. I try hard in these situations to downplay it with a quick statement of "it just needed to be done." I'm a fairly shy person and don't like to make waves so I kinda hate it that we're the subject of talk around town and that DD is the object of some resentment, particularly since no one has ever said anything to our face. BTW: We try hard to make sure she regularly gets together with kids from both grades, and DD is very well liked (or so everyone says) by everyone. Also, no one has ever reported hearing my DD brag about being in a different grade, and in fact she hates to have to explain it to people so she doesn't bring it up. But still, it's not something she can hide from those who go to school with her.

Anyway, I guess I'm just venting, but has anyone else ever faced being talked about behind your back for the schooling decisions you've made? How do you deal with it? Do you just ignore it? Should I talk to DD and let her know that some people are uncomfortable about the situation, or should I just let her remain oblivious as she is now?

I, personally, have not dealt with this since my DD is only 3 but would like to offer a big hug and a little advice. It certainly can not be easy for you, especially when you live in a small town atmosphere. I grew up in a small town and know what it is like to have everybody know everyone else's business. What I can say is to let it go. You can not change the gossip and hurt feelings nor should you have to. People are going to gossip and for now your daughter and family is the focus. The best thing you can do is live your life and not worry about them. In time, they will come to realize your daughter needed to be moved up and even if they don't, the important thing is you knew she needed it. As for talking to your DD, absolutely not. She might in time figure it out and you should be there for the questions but I wouldn't make it something for her to focus on.

We have experienced similar at school, in community, and in our church. Its really hard for me emotionally and I try to shield my dd from it as much as possible.

Hopefully the gossiping isn't going on in her new classroom as much?

DD has requested that from now on when people ask about her giftedness/partial grade skip, I tell them that she is secretly an alien and that's why she is so good at math. I haven't had a chance to try this out yet, but I'm curious how it will play out. In the past I have been so supportive of the kids asking about dd's giftedness and I just can't give the "everyone learns at their own pace" speech again this year.

I wish I had something positive to say.

Hilarious! If only I were bold enough to say this!

Actually, things have been really going well in her new classroom. She has a really good group of nice, smart friends who include her in everything as if she is their age. She gets invited to all the birthday parties, even the smaller ones where just a few of the girls get to go. And, according to her teacher who I chat with often, she hasn't seen anyone treat her any differently because of her age. She looks the part and acts the part and if you didn't know she was younger you wouldn't be able to tell.

She did have an incident yesterday in school where one of her friends was whispering about her to another of her friends, and it really perplexed her and saddened her, because they have been good friends with her. I suppose it could be because of the age difference, but, like I said, no one -- including these two girls -- has ever expressed any feelings about her being younger or about her being "smart". Could just be the general cattiness of girls this age, too.

Oh, and none of the parents I know of the kids in her class this year have mentioned anything to me at all about her being younger. Most wouldn't even know, and the couple that do know haven't said anything and treat her as just their daughters' friend.

The thing that really gets me is that between any two grades the actual age difference can be as small as two days or as large as a year and that's not counting kids held back for whatever reason. Count those in and you are looking kids in the SAME grade having an age spread of up to nearly two years. I don't get the I'm in 5th and you're in 4th so you aren't as "special' or whatnot. Honestly you are talking about an age difference of days in some cases.

When you actually look at the numbers a one grade skip really doesn't change the age range all that much and really isn't an eye-popping concept.

Feeling a bit snitty at the moment...

We didn't tell anyone for as long as we could avoid telling just to avoid the issues. We finally had to come clean when some of dd's friends in the neighborhood knew b/c they were at school with her and she wasn't going to be at that school anymore the next year due to moving into middle school.

In our instance, dd is pretty obviously well out of the norm even in GT classes, so I can't say that anyone said anything (at least that I heard) about it being unwarranted. We do have other parents who have repeatedly mentioned how their kids are gifted too and who inquired about why dd was skipped or how we went about making that happen.

I, too, tried to be low-key and just replied with something like, "it is what the school recommended," which is true.

I understand what you mean about the "jealously" feelings even if that is not quite the right word. I think that it has something to do with the misperception that gifted kids come from parents who did something right. If your kid is less gifted than mine, then I did something better. One mom at dd#'s school referred to elementary parents as having a "pissing contest." It seems to be an extention of the parents competition that happens with babies -- whose walks first, etc.

I don't think that I've gotten as much in the way of competitiveness from parents of older kids, so perhaps it will abate a bit for you as well as your dc get older.

I think this is difficult to answer because personality does play a part in how you handle a given situation.

I am not shy and we live in small town, rife with all those things you mention. Personally I couldn't give a toss about what other people think about our situation, whether it be to my face or behind my back. Therefore I have no problem ignoring it, but that is easier said than done for a lot of people, or basically telling someone who I think has over stepped the mark to mind their own business.

Your DD sounds very well adjusted and I see no reason to discuss this with her. Don't burden her with the petty opinions of other parents.

We haven't skipped our D, but I do know parents (and teachers) talk behind our backs. D goes to a K-12 independent school. When she entered K, we met with the teacher ahead of time to share D's Stanford-Binet results (a score in the profoundly gifted range) and the report provided by the person who tested her. The teacher then told another parent (!!!!), who then shared that info with many others. One of my friends told me that this info was going around; she told me the score that was rumored, and it was correct. I immediately went to the principal, who in turn disciplined the teacher. But 10 years later (D is in 9th grade now), this still comes up occasionally from parents or teachers...

In some ways it is probably easier to deal with than your situation, though, since I don't think most parents really think their kids would score that high anyway.

I'm sure there is a form of jealousy and discomfort but they don't have a modicom of understanding of the situation.

How could they?

Do they know how long it took for your decsion and how much research, reading and discussing it took for you to make it? Of course not.

You should speak openly about it. The scuttlebutt will disappear with education. It has here. Our starting point has always been the "something wasn't quite right and we couldn't put our finger on it...." point.

I hope it settles down for you.

This is really more a sidebar off of what you wrote but since I have a friend who recently went through a similar situation I thought I would comment. My friend lives in S. Africa and perhaps they don't have the privacy clauses we have in the states but the gifted school her son is attending not only revealed the child and tests he took and scores he made to other parents; they did so without ever telling my friend that information, so she was blindsided by another parent when she brought it up. My friend had no idea they even gave her son the tests, let alone what he made on them. I found it appalling but she wasn't really too upset by it all. Differences in culture is my guess.

Glad to read the teacher got disciplined. I know that we can't stop the rumor mills amongst the parents but it should be the parents of the child in question who gets to choose how much if anything is shared.

I think that you are right with this comment. While I don't think that any of dds' friends or other parents have any idea how they have scored on IQ tests (which ranges from MG to PG depending on the kid and the day ), I do think that there are parents who believe their kids to be equivalently or more able and who are then put-out by some of the things dds have done or "gotten" in terms of educational opportunities. This seems to come up most from the parents whose kids are bright-average or average but brighter than their parents and whose parents believe them to be very gifted as a result.

One thing I notice in our case is that the gossiping comes from the 2nd and 3rd grade parents. (dd is in 2nd) The 4th grade parents (her math class) have been very friendly and many have said that they think its great she is participating in their class. The 4th grade kids have been very kind too - not friends, but friendly. DD's school has this policy that you can only play at recess with kids in your grade. She advocated at the begining of the day that she should be allowed to play with both, but principal said no. So she's not really set up to have any social time with the older kids.

The 3rd graders and parents have been the worst because they don't know my daughter at all so she an easy target.

This seems to be the case here. Lately several parents have been telling me that their kids are ahead in math and that they think they should skip a grade. Generally the kids are average or brighter than average, but really probably not gifted. I guess they may feel like I would understand, but it feels more like they are saying "My kid's just as smart as yours is!" So, I generally just reply that it's a long process that involves a lot of testing, but that it has worked in our case. I kind of feel like if they do decide to pursue it they may realize that the process is a lot more involved than they imagine, and perhaps they would realize that my kids must be different enough that they would qualify for the accelerations. And then, maybe they would stop questioning us and our decisions and would stop talking behind our backs!

Amazingly, the people whose kids probably are gifted never complain at all about their children's work and they seem fine sending them to school where their children already know most of the material. I still don't know how it is that we're the first family in the district to request subject and grade acceleration! My kids are HG, but not PG, so we can't be the ONLY ones around here in the last 30 years (the last time they did an acceleration before my kids!)

Thank you, all of you, for making me feel better about this. We always have been very certain in our decisions to grade accelerate, and we have all the hard data to support it (which, of course, none of the other parents knows the extent of) but it is hard to hear that people are talking behind my back. It's like I'm back in all the social drama of high school! So, I'll have to just grow a thicker skin. Thank goodness for you all, who allow me to vent and make me feel like I'm not alone.

WOW! I could have just about written this post myself this week. I have been going through the SAME thing here. My dd skipped to 2nd this year. I've got a neighbor that keeps going on about how her daughter also needs more at school, etc. (her dd is very nice but I'm pretty certain she's not gifted.) It's obvious to me that she doesn't agree with what we've done for our daughter and she's trying hard to choose her words wisely. It's really been rubbing me the wrong way. I kept meaning to post here on it and got busy. So glad you did. Now I'll finish reading all the replies.

We've had this experience as well. It do think that it is coming from a parent who has finally accepted that my kids are atypically bright (there was a lot of unpleasant competition/one man upship going on for a while) and who is now attempting to commiserate. I have really been trying to be self-reflective on why this bugs me so much. I don't think that there is a major attempt at competition going on from the other parent at the moment.

I've known this parent's children since they were quite little. I am as certain as I can be without having them IQ tested and showing me the results that they are not gifted. One has managed to get a gifted label for one subject at school according to this parent, though, b/c I've heard about it everytime we've spoken for the past month. The district this child is in tends to be pretty freewheeling with dispensing GT labels given that they id somewhat more than 1/3 of the kids in some schools as gifted in some way, shape or form based upon behavior surveys, etc.

I do think that the parent feels like I would understand b/c our kids must be similarly able and so is discussing it with me. I don't know what about this rubs me the wrong way. Perhaps it is that we've had to fight so hard for any type of GT id for dd#2, who has IQ scores ranging from the upper 120s to upper 140s -- this kid is clearly gifted, but isn't in the freewheeling GT id district. Perhaps I am just a crummy person who is bugged by something that in no way impacts me. Perhaps I can't happily commiserate with someone when we aren't dealing with the same thing (like me expecting an African-American parent to happily commiserate with me about the challenge of discrimination that my white children are facing in our society as compared to her kids who must be experiencing the same).

I don't know, but it isn't always an easy conversation to have when it doesn't feel like you're talking about the same needs.

I don't know but just a thought....

Do you think that these things have a tendency to rub the wrong way with a lot of people, not only because of the hard yards gifted parents go through but also the fact that often the way things are said and approached by these parents you wouldn't consider saying or doing yourselves?

Maybe you're on to someting here in regards to talking with other people about their "bright" kids. I would never dream about bringing up how smart my kids are and how they make straight As and how they're just beyond their class's academic work (or whatever), and so it suprises me how many people with average to brighter than average kids do so and do so to me. Again, do they think I can commiserate or are they playing a game of one-upsmanship? Mostly I think it's the latter because these are the types of people who brag freely in general. IME, it's the parents that whisper to me about their kids needing more in school that are going through a similar situation to ours.

I think I've decided that when I get into conversations with these types of parents that I'm going to tell them that there is a process in our district for acceleration but that it requires their child to be tested extensively for both achievement and aptitude, that a lot of other issues factor in as well, and that if their child is accelerated, they should be prepared to have the other parents talk about them behind their back.

Hmmmmm.....maybe tact is a trait of the parents of gifted children! Shame it's not more widespread.