Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Pre-school I am drained...sooo drained.

Well, dd is 29 months and *it* has arrived...yup the terrible two's are here. Oh my gosh, my child is completely different than she was just a short month ago. I hear "NO, I SAID RIGHT NOW!" at least 2 dozen times a day...and she yells it. Here's an example from today:

dd: "Mama, let's see if Toopy and Binoo are on tv."

me: "No, I think we have had enough tv for today. we'll watch more tomorrow, but let's go find something fun to play with now."

dd: "No, I want to watch tv...RIGHT NOW."

Me: "No, not right now. It is play time now."

dd: "NO, I said RIGHT NOW!"

I eventually distract her and we find something else that keeps her happy...but this is SO annoying to me. When and how did she become such a rude girl. dh and I don't speak like this...where did she learn it?

What we are struggling with, is how do we deal with this? Is she too young to be sent to her room? We tried this one day and it was a horrible day. Today we tried basically ignoring it and distracting her and it was a much better day, but I worry about spoiling her. We work so hard entertaining her...when is she going to start entertaining herself?

I don't know where I am going with this. I am just tired. Oh she has also decided she needs me in the middle of the night for extra cuddles. For the last 3 nights she has asked for cuddles (and once for popcorn?) at least 3 times during the night.

So lack of sleep on top of a rude, demanding, bossy (Daddy, put your guitar away now, it's not guitar time.) toddler is just not fun.

Thanks for listening...I don't think I'm going anywhere with this, just needed to vent!

Deep Breath ....

Read a couple posts down, "Does your toddler boss you around?"

Good Luck, it does get better. WIth DD8, the bossiness turned into complex negotiations when told "no". DD4 is still in the bossy stage but slowly is learning to say Please.

Hi Oneisenough. I think we have all either BTDT or are currently there. I found the books on Love and Logic very helpful. I think every kid goes through a phase where they determine where the line is between how much control they have and how firm mom and dad are going to stick to their guns. Unfortunately with high-spirited gifted kids, it gets complicated. Avoid power struggles at all costs. I found it helpful to have a timer at this age. We use the kitchen timer because it is really loud. I say, "We are going to do X activity for X amount of time. Let's go set the timer." Then when the time is up, it is a great tool to move on to the next activity. HTH Good luck!

It can get tiring and the way you react to it has a direct effect on the situation.

Here is the way I handle it:

1. Some days I am in such a good mood that it strikes me as funny and I can't help but laugh.

2. Other days I have no tolerance for it and her behavior gets things taken away which I know a lot of people think they are too young at this age but it really works, as long as you stick with it. But as far as sending them to their room ... I really think they are too young to get that method. Do you try timeouts? Sending them to the room is a form of timeout but maybe a spot on the floor away from the tv and toys where it won't be fun. You want them to view it as a punishment.

3. Other times I have a calmness about myself and sweetly remind her how to ask for things. "Is that how we ask for things?" She quickly changes her tune and does it right ... I have noticed that this method does not work that well without the building block of the above one. But both used together has broken a lot of DD habit on this one.

But hang in there... this too will pass... and if not she will be an interesting teenager won't she?

First of all, a word of sympathy. With two children 19-months apart, I've been there!

Now that dds are 4.5 and 3, I will tell you it has gotten much better. I have found 4, in particular, to be a very lovely age.

I agreed with Katelyn's Mom. If you have the energy, I find it helps to consistently ask her to repeat her demands in a nicer way (at our house we say, "Can you say that again using your manners?") Sometimes it's not even what they say -- but how they say it -- that really wears you down.

Dh is quite good at diffusing situations with humor ... tickle attacks, etc. But I find, being the primary caregiver, it is a greater benefit to me to set the rules and make sure they are followed. That seems to help in the long run.

I am reading an interesting book right now about creating moral intelligence in our children. And it says how we, ourselves, react to tense situations really teaches our children about self-control. I'm trying to remember that advice during the times I feel the steam coming out of my ears!

I feel your pain. My DD 21 months can be quite bossy, and just imagine when she gets to talk more and express herself better. We did start time outs with her and it does help. I don't use it a lot but it does help. When she is doing a behavior I also tell her that she needs to stop or she is going to time out. This usually stops it. If it doesnt, she goes to her crib for a minute. That is plenty of time for her. I bring her back and try again. Other things I do is I don't argue with her, if I say no once, that means no. I try to distract at times, but if that doesn't work and she lays on the floor and throws a tantrum, I move away from her (obviously making sure she is in a safe place). It doesn't last long, it's all about attention and control for her. Also, if she keeps changing her mind and being demanding I don't give in to it. Last night she wanted a cookie (because she had gotten one the night before for a treat). You should have heard the way she was saying "I. WANT. COOKIE!" It cracked me up the way she paused in between. Thankfully I don't laugh about it in front of her..but I do chuckle with DH at times when she doesn't see. Don't want to confuse her too much.

Good luck, it will eventually pass I am pretty sure. DS4 wasn't quite this bad but he has his moments..but since he is older they are few and far between.

I had one child that a time-out had to be away from people (my extrovert), and one for whom it needed to be a tight embrace (my introvert). Not a hug, really, but a tight hold to let him get control of his overwhelming emotions. We started them as soon as emotions ran high, so earlier than 29 months, I'm sure.

In both cases, we treated it as a "time out from the opportunity to do what you're doing until you can control yourself." When self-control returned, the time out ended. Period. None of that "1 minute per year of age" stuff. To me, that's about punishment, and that's not positive discipline. I focused on the time out strictly as a tool for getting past the overwhelming emotions, which is why they were acting out. I wanted to reward self-control, since to me, that's the ultimate goal of a time out.

We rarely use time outs now, since even the 4.5yo is much more able to manage his emotions. If they are overwhelmed now, it's usually because they are hungry or tired. Then I give them a time out while I get a snack together.

Kriston, it sounds like you were rather satisfied with the results? Maybe this has been my problem all these years??? My kids all tend toward being introverted - in some cases to the extreme - and time outs really have never worked (not that I have stopped trying). Now ds2 (2y10m) has taken to having some of the biggest tantrums I've ever seen, and it's clearly a complete loss of control (last time he ended up stripping naked and trying to go outside when it was cold). I'm sure he'd yell and scream if I tried to hold him, and he's pretty strong (and I'm a little bit preggo and often holding the baby besides) so it's not a very appealing strategy at the moment but I suppose it's worth a try! Most of the time he's very good but once in awhile we run into trouble. Thanks for the introversion/extroversion tip!

Is it just me? I swear I am always finding myself nodding my head when I read Kriston's post. I completely agree with the purpose of timeout. We hardly ever use timeouts so when we do use it she sees it as punishment. I have to admit a few times it was to help calm her down but usually I can talk her down. When she does get a timeout it is more for when she completely disregarded rules and knows better. I can count how many times she has had a timeout. I have friends that live by supernanny and are always using the timeouts to the point that the child acts out even more than before the timeout starts. One friend's DD had a playdate with my DD and it was so over the top how many timeouts she gave her in that short time frame. More than my DD has ever gotten during her whole life! And it wasn't working, clearly.

But I fully believe timeouts have their place along as not over used and people know when the child no longer needs it and other methods should be considered. I see timeouts as the last result when other things are not working.

I watched some show on PBS (I think) when my first was just a newborn that talked about time outs as I described them and said that they should not be--never be!--punishment. (No idea who the guy was or what the show was called. It happened to be on when I was breastfeeding every day.) His theory made such sense to me. And, yes, for the most part, the time outs of this nature worked very, VERY well for us.

DS4--the extrovert--is also my *profoundly* OE kid, so he has ultimately needed more coping tools to learn self-control. Time outs still work, but he's old enough now that I want to move beyond them except in exceptional circumstances, you know? They never worked as well for him as they did for my older child, the introvert...

My very logical DS7 learned very early how to rein himself in. There for a while when he was around 2yo, he would tell me when he needed a time out, he'd crawl on my lap, I'd hold him tightly, and then when he'd gotten through it, he'd say he was okay and get up. It just felt like it was a very healthy and positive approach for him. He was very aware of how he felt and what he needed emotionally. Was that just how he was or how he was parented? A little of both, I'm guessing. He never had the tremendous OEs that many GT kids had, so that certainly helped.

But I really do find that focusing on the lack of control rather than on the behavior per se makes it easier to handle outbursts. When you realize that these kids are just completely overwhelmed by how they feel, it makes more sense. I certainly find it easier to be sympathetic--which I tend NOT to be!--when I think about it that way, and the tantrums tend to end faster when I approach it from the standpoint of "how can I help you get control?" rather than when I just get angry and frustrated about them.

Sadly, I reacted in the latter manner for more than I care to admit with DS4. He was a real challenge for me! It's all a learning experience, isn't it?