Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy New to the Forum: Social Anxiety

Good afternoon,
My wife and I have become increasingly concerned over our 12 year-old daughter's apprehension to forming and/or sustaining friendships. I have been pushing her to go outside on her bicycle and stop by some houses in the neighborhood. Like many kids these days, she wants to rely on texting, but my observations have been that texting is not a good way to connect with people.

She continues to be more withdrawn and appears to be regressing socially. I don't know if this is just a phase or something more to be concerned about. My wife and I have made an appointment with a psychologist to have her evaluated. Meanwhile, is/was anyone else in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?

Thank you!

Welcome!

Have you considered signing your child up for in-person activities in areas of interest? Art classes, science summer camps, sports, dance, swim, etc can all be great places to meet and socialize with other kids IRL.

I presume you are here on these forums because your DD12 is gifted? Did you choose a psychologist familiar with the gifted? Hoagies' lists of psychologists and professionals may be of interest.
The resources in this brief roundup may also be of interest:
- SENG article: finding a therapist,
- SENG article: selecting the right counselor or therapist for your gifted child,
- SENG list of professionals,
- SENG youtube video: This Misdiagnosis of Gifted Children
- GPP book: Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses (on Amazon here, with 'Look Inside' feature).

If you are concerned about social skills, there are several books frequently recommended on the forums, for direct teaching of social skills (body language, friendship, etc)
- book: 100 social rules for kids (hat tip to sanne)
- direct teaching of friendship
- direct teaching of perspective taking
- link to an article on the Davidson Database, Tips For Parents: Gifted Children's Friendships
- article discussing connection between anxiety and perfectionism,
- post with roundup of articles on friendship.

Welcome to the board, ryandiana. I have a few things to add - wanted to let you know I'm the parent of 3 teens, the youngest is 13.

First a question - what behaviors indicate she's withdrawing? Is it spending a lot of time with her electronics, not wanting to participate in activities that used to be fun for her, has she had friends move away or has she had any falling-out with friendships lately, are things changing in her friends lives? I could probably spend another hour coming up with questions What would be most likely helpful (if you haven't already done it) is to talk to her and ask what's going on. It might not be something you can get to with a straightforward one-time ask, but keep talking with her, keep engaging her in conversation.

Re texting - teens can get really caught up in the lives of their phones ...but fwiw as much as I don't want my kids living through their phones, I've also seen over the years that the ability to text and communicate via other apps etc also has a positive side to it in terms of social relationships. I have three very different teens - one who makes friends easily, understands people naturally, and is extremely outgoing and social, one who has an expressive language challenge, is not terribly adept at understanding other people, and has to work really hard to figure out how to initiate communication. Each one of them has (I hate to even say this "out loud" - I am not a fan of electronics lol!)... but I'll say it - they've each benefited by having the ability to text. If you want more of an explanation, I'll be happy to explain in more detail.

I'd also keep in mind that 12 can be a very tough age socially for teens, especially girls. There's been a ton of drama in each of my childrens' 6th and 7th grade classes, primarily girl drama, and lots of changing of friendships at the same time they are feeling friendships and peer relationships are really important. Sometimes peers can be cruel to each other, without really meaning to. One thing that helped when my kids and their peers were going through that stage was having a teacher or other adult (aside from parents) that they could look to as a role model, someone who was aware of what was going on and who they could talk openly about friendship issues etc with.

If you are concerned about having seen indications that there may be something more than just ordinary issues with electronics and peers-gone-hormone-crazy etc, then definitely look for help either through an evaluation or counseling or whatever seems to be the need.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Best wishes,

polarbear

I remember when I was 12. There's no way I would have agreed to go riding around the neighbourhood trying to make new friends! My mum signed me up for a few different sports. I sucked at most of them, but even so I would have preferred the embarrassment of organised sports to riding around trying to make my own friends! I'd look for some social clubs/classes for your DD - sports, theatre, photography, girl guides (is that still a thing?), etc.

Being a bright girl can be alienating - not just teacher pleasing but really out there bright.

Our DD found this to be the case - she was basically an ugly duckling socially. Popularity/peer pressure is very important and she when she didn't join in with the nastiness and cattiness her chances of being in the 'Heather Set' were destroyed.

We went to the DYS summit, some DIGs and even hosted one - DD made some meaningful connections there, we also sent her to 'baby CTY' in fifth and sixth grades. The time away from home with her 'tribe' boosted her self confidence enormously. So much so that she is attending a double session of 'real CTY' as I type this rooming with a friend she made at 'baby CTY' last year!

We also have frank and open conversations with our daughter and have had them from an early age so she knows that we support her. She is an only child so she doesn't have an older sibling to get this from. But we have had au pairs with whom DD is increasingly able to relate so we hope that will help on the role model side.

It is going to be an ongoing issue but I think that sixth grade was the worst so far at least. I am hoping that the girl drama and cattiness will lessen next school year (eighth grade).

Our DD has also grown up a lot herself - I think that 10-13 are (hopefully) when self consciousness peak because she is becoming less hampered by it these days which is a trend that continues, we hope.