Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Identification, Testing & Assessment What to tell DD about being G - help!

I'm struggling with what to tell DD8 whose scores we recently learned. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I have to tell her something relatively soon, as she's going to be taking some additional assessments at school to see what we're going to do with her next year (we have no gifted programming, usually they "differentiate" within the classroom -- this is not enough for my kids, and its questionable how well its done for more 'regular' high achieving/accelerated learners). It sounds like possible subject acceleration, at least for math to start - which would be awesome. I need her to understand 'why' she's being tested so she doesn't get upset about it and so that she really puts her best effort into it...

I know many here suggest not telling a kiddo straight up that they are gifted or sharing scores, and I agree. But I need to let DD in on the secret. I know she knows she's smart. But I think she has a bit of a complex as DS10 is also G, and is more the typical insatiably curious G kid who learned to read really early and all that. She has no idea she's "like him" in that way, and I think for her self esteem, she might need to (to be honest, until we saw her scores, we didn't realize she's "like him" either)... What do I say??

Any advice on what to share and what not to (aside from actual scores)? Did you tell your kid/s that they are 'gifted'? I want them to understand that they learn differently, and that its just the way they are... For her, I'm afraid not to make it really positive b/c she's a hugely negative thinker, and its critical she hears otherwise. She's going to be singled out at school, and she needs to know its ok....

Thanks in advance!

The Gifted Kid's Survival Guide can be helpful.

Possibly you saw this elsewhere on the forums: a thread from about a year ago which discusses a broad array of views on what to tell a child about their giftedness.

Just an observation...why do so many of us think being labeled "gifted" is taboo? I get that society might not be ready for an in-depth discussion about exactly what it means to be gifted. Lord forbid we hurt anyone's feelings because they aren't "gifted" (unfortunate that they all don't realize it is not a bed of roses...). But why do many of us struggle with sharing this news with our own children? One doesn't need to make a big deal out of it, but I think our kids would benefit from knowing that they are gifted.

Our DD knows she is gifted, she knows she is profoundly gifted according to some piece of paper. She knows she thinks differently and sees the world differently than most kids her age, which was very unnerving for her until she found out she was gifted and there were a lot of other kids "just like" her. She now realizes that some of her intensities are because she is gifted, not because she was "bad". She went from having a somewhat negative self-esteem issue because she didn't fit in, to accepting who she was and being at peace with it (for the most part).

One thing we did tell her is that being gifted does not mean she will succeed. She is full of potential, but it is up to her to utilize her gifts. No one else can do that for her. The star athlete did not get there by sitting on the couch, the concert pianist did not get there by practicing once a week. We all have to make choices and she will have a lot of them in the coming years. I don't think there is anything to lose in telling your child they are gifted. Use it as a teaching moment. Being gifted is just part of who they are, what they do with it is up to them (with a lot of guidance along the way, of course!)

Wouldn't it be nice if we could someday get to a place where the label is just another piece of information. Sort of like an eye exam....once you know the prescription you can get the right glasses. Hopefully someday, once you know your IQ you can get the right education....

Well said!

I really don't like the label OR hearing my kids refer to themselves this way and this is even with a M.Ed. in gifted ed! But there was no way around it since the programs are called "gifted ed" here. I don't like the label for the same reason some others don't but also because I think it causes a negative reaction for other parents and kids sometimes.

If I'd had a choice, I wouldn't use the word but would instead explain what it means (without referring to IQ--another place kids might speak without filtering themselves and offend others. You could speak specifically about areas of strength, for instance, and even areas of relative challenge (should there be any) and why it's important for people to learn things in the right "zone."

I realize that especially on this forum, this might not be the popular opinion, but it's just such a loaded label. It kind of reminds me of when people say they are "blessed," which may have connotations that are somewhat off-putting (and have implications of some sort of superior relationship with the gift-blessing-bestower).

YMMV.

That is certainly the case here.


This was my approach with DS12. I was also concerned that he would brag if he had numbers or the word "gifted"--I put the term off as long as possible and he still does not have IQ numbers. (Not truly possible to put off the social knowledge, but the downplaying did help.) The conversations have changed over time on a need-to-know basis.

But for another child, who might need the validation more and be disinclined to brag, I wouldn't hesitate to use the term. It just depends so much on local context and what information the particular child needs at this point in their development.

I agree with Squishy's. Information about what they are is very valuable for children. It's not the word gifted people object to its the fact that they are gifted so changing the language doesn't help.

We did what Labmom did and emphasized potential that requires hard work to be realised. Arrogance and bragging were never an issue for us, the opposite in fact. We had a girl who hid and did not believe in her own capabilities despite participation in gifted programs and grade acceleration. It didn't click for her until she found herself helping the "smartest boy" in her gifted class with algebra. The amazing look when she she said to me....I might be smart mummy....told me she had no idea. After that her whole attitude changed and she was more prepared for challenge and hard work.

Gifted kids shouldn't have to hide or be ashamed or scared of what they are. They will be if we are so we need to man up for their sake. The biggest battles I have had on recognition of giftedness and dispelling the myths of Giftedness have been with people with education degrees.

DeeDee said exactly what I thought after writing: so much depends on the child and temperament, sensitivity, social-skills. Since *none* of my three (gifted) children seem to understand, intuitively, how to filter themselves--I wish we hadn't been forced to use the term. I've not known any of them to brag, per se, but I have noticed there seem to be a LOT of questions about IQ and a bit of a tendency to over-identify with the label. It is most certainly not the most important thing about a child, and it's critical they understand all the things that make up a whole person.

As for gifted girls, I have a somewhat different take. I was identified as "gifted" (kind of on the cusp of gifted ed in my area--late 1970s) when the program here was in its infancy. Much like my DS12--I completely hit the wall in junior high and announced to my mother that I'd "lost my gift," which I fully believed. No doubt I am 2E (ADHD, at least) but there was no language for that then. That was an excruciating experience. I am so glad more is known now and there is at least a cursory acknowledgment that being "gifted" doesn't mean one has no academic challenges.

When I taught in G program, we had an affective curriculum component. I think that was invaluable for the students--they had a safe place to discuss how confusing the world is for them sometimes. One of our running themes was that being "gifted" can feel like a blessing or a curse. It's nice to learn effortlessly (at least in some areas) and being sensitive can mean you see, feel, and understand things like beauty in more vivid color. The downside, of course, is that you might also feel painful experiences in the same vivid color. THAT is the part of gifted ed that seemed most important to me. We also had a lot of conversations about asynchrony and it seemed like it was very meaningful for children who feel "all over the place" sometimes.

I have an admitted bias toward thinking the introspection and understanding of gifted social/emotional traits is the most useful part of the label. The rest of it--the academics, for instance--could more easily be explained and addressed by just acknowledging advanced academic skills and needs. No need for a G label, there, that stuff is just practical.

I am blathering. Forgive, please, or ignore at will.

You wrote while I was writing. Yes! One of the things that was emphasized (over and over and over) when I was studying gifted ed was just that: ironically, classroom teachers are the WORST (I guess this has been proven) at identifying gifted students. They tend to refer the "shiny apples" for testing...and are shocked when they don't test in the range.

Even more ironic: I feel like my son's teachers this year--who are all teaching only gifted students--did not seem to recognize some of his behaviors as being typical (if extreme--he is 2E) as potentially being related to giftedness. They are all green, though. If they last in the program, I suspect they will meet some more variations on the theme. The evil side of me hopes so.

Another common theme among educators (that will probably get a laugh, here)...a mantra, really: "it's not the gifted children who are the problem; it's the gifted parents." :P

We didn't really have any ONE conversation with DD. We just answered her questions in a pretty matter of fact way.


She's an outlier. Once she was old enough to understand what a normal distribution meant-- she was old enough to have that part of the conversation.

Also discussed why school never really "fit" well, even with acceleration-- because what SHE needs is very very different from what others need.

Talked (using visual representations, sketched out) about the differences in developmental arc-- and different domains, such as cognitive, physical, emotional, social, etc.



She found Dabrowski on her own when she was about 12, and that made all the lights come on for her-- it's her preferred means of understanding what it means to be this gifted in the world that we all share.

I'm guessing that more girls than boys NEED to have this set of conversations-- at least that is what the data suggest about adolescent girls (they tend to underestimate ability, and males tend to overestimate it). I also suspect that different people will find different models of what "g" means to be particularly resonant.