I'm struggling with what to tell DD8 whose scores we recently learned. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I have to tell her something relatively soon, as she's going to be taking some additional assessments at school to see what we're going to do with her next year (we have no gifted programming, usually they "differentiate" within the classroom -- this is not enough for my kids, and its questionable how well its done for more 'regular' high achieving/accelerated learners). It sounds like possible subject acceleration, at least for math to start - which would be awesome. I need her to understand 'why' she's being tested so she doesn't get upset about it and so that she really puts her best effort into it...

I know many here suggest not telling a kiddo straight up that they are gifted or sharing scores, and I agree. But I need to let DD in on the secret. I know she knows she's smart. But I think she has a bit of a complex as DS10 is also G, and is more the typical insatiably curious G kid who learned to read really early and all that. She has no idea she's "like him" in that way, and I think for her self esteem, she might need to (to be honest, until we saw her scores, we didn't realize she's "like him" either)... What do I say??

Any advice on what to share and what not to (aside from actual scores)? Did you tell your kid/s that they are 'gifted'? I want them to understand that they learn differently, and that its just the way they are... For her, I'm afraid not to make it really positive b/c she's a hugely negative thinker, and its critical she hears otherwise. She's going to be singled out at school, and she needs to know its ok....

Thanks in advance!

The Gifted Kid's Survival Guide can be helpful.

Possibly you saw this elsewhere on the forums: a thread from about a year ago which discusses a broad array of views on what to tell a child about their giftedness.

Just an observation...why do so many of us think being labeled "gifted" is taboo? I get that society might not be ready for an in-depth discussion about exactly what it means to be gifted. Lord forbid we hurt anyone's feelings because they aren't "gifted" (unfortunate that they all don't realize it is not a bed of roses...). But why do many of us struggle with sharing this news with our own children? One doesn't need to make a big deal out of it, but I think our kids would benefit from knowing that they are gifted.

Our DD knows she is gifted, she knows she is profoundly gifted according to some piece of paper. She knows she thinks differently and sees the world differently than most kids her age, which was very unnerving for her until she found out she was gifted and there were a lot of other kids "just like" her. She now realizes that some of her intensities are because she is gifted, not because she was "bad". She went from having a somewhat negative self-esteem issue because she didn't fit in, to accepting who she was and being at peace with it (for the most part).

One thing we did tell her is that being gifted does not mean she will succeed. She is full of potential, but it is up to her to utilize her gifts. No one else can do that for her. The star athlete did not get there by sitting on the couch, the concert pianist did not get there by practicing once a week. We all have to make choices and she will have a lot of them in the coming years. I don't think there is anything to lose in telling your child they are gifted. Use it as a teaching moment. Being gifted is just part of who they are, what they do with it is up to them (with a lot of guidance along the way, of course!)

Wouldn't it be nice if we could someday get to a place where the label is just another piece of information. Sort of like an eye exam....once you know the prescription you can get the right glasses. Hopefully someday, once you know your IQ you can get the right education....

Well said!

I really don't like the label OR hearing my kids refer to themselves this way and this is even with a M.Ed. in gifted ed! But there was no way around it since the programs are called "gifted ed" here. I don't like the label for the same reason some others don't but also because I think it causes a negative reaction for other parents and kids sometimes.

If I'd had a choice, I wouldn't use the word but would instead explain what it means (without referring to IQ--another place kids might speak without filtering themselves and offend others. You could speak specifically about areas of strength, for instance, and even areas of relative challenge (should there be any) and why it's important for people to learn things in the right "zone."

I realize that especially on this forum, this might not be the popular opinion, but it's just such a loaded label. It kind of reminds me of when people say they are "blessed," which may have connotations that are somewhat off-putting (and have implications of some sort of superior relationship with the gift-blessing-bestower).

YMMV.

That is certainly the case here.


This was my approach with DS12. I was also concerned that he would brag if he had numbers or the word "gifted"--I put the term off as long as possible and he still does not have IQ numbers. (Not truly possible to put off the social knowledge, but the downplaying did help.) The conversations have changed over time on a need-to-know basis.

But for another child, who might need the validation more and be disinclined to brag, I wouldn't hesitate to use the term. It just depends so much on local context and what information the particular child needs at this point in their development.

I agree with Squishy's. Information about what they are is very valuable for children. It's not the word gifted people object to its the fact that they are gifted so changing the language doesn't help.

We did what Labmom did and emphasized potential that requires hard work to be realised. Arrogance and bragging were never an issue for us, the opposite in fact. We had a girl who hid and did not believe in her own capabilities despite participation in gifted programs and grade acceleration. It didn't click for her until she found herself helping the "smartest boy" in her gifted class with algebra. The amazing look when she she said to me....I might be smart mummy....told me she had no idea. After that her whole attitude changed and she was more prepared for challenge and hard work.

Gifted kids shouldn't have to hide or be ashamed or scared of what they are. They will be if we are so we need to man up for their sake. The biggest battles I have had on recognition of giftedness and dispelling the myths of Giftedness have been with people with education degrees.

DeeDee said exactly what I thought after writing: so much depends on the child and temperament, sensitivity, social-skills. Since *none* of my three (gifted) children seem to understand, intuitively, how to filter themselves--I wish we hadn't been forced to use the term. I've not known any of them to brag, per se, but I have noticed there seem to be a LOT of questions about IQ and a bit of a tendency to over-identify with the label. It is most certainly not the most important thing about a child, and it's critical they understand all the things that make up a whole person.

As for gifted girls, I have a somewhat different take. I was identified as "gifted" (kind of on the cusp of gifted ed in my area--late 1970s) when the program here was in its infancy. Much like my DS12--I completely hit the wall in junior high and announced to my mother that I'd "lost my gift," which I fully believed. No doubt I am 2E (ADHD, at least) but there was no language for that then. That was an excruciating experience. I am so glad more is known now and there is at least a cursory acknowledgment that being "gifted" doesn't mean one has no academic challenges.

When I taught in G program, we had an affective curriculum component. I think that was invaluable for the students--they had a safe place to discuss how confusing the world is for them sometimes. One of our running themes was that being "gifted" can feel like a blessing or a curse. It's nice to learn effortlessly (at least in some areas) and being sensitive can mean you see, feel, and understand things like beauty in more vivid color. The downside, of course, is that you might also feel painful experiences in the same vivid color. THAT is the part of gifted ed that seemed most important to me. We also had a lot of conversations about asynchrony and it seemed like it was very meaningful for children who feel "all over the place" sometimes.

I have an admitted bias toward thinking the introspection and understanding of gifted social/emotional traits is the most useful part of the label. The rest of it--the academics, for instance--could more easily be explained and addressed by just acknowledging advanced academic skills and needs. No need for a G label, there, that stuff is just practical.

I am blathering. Forgive, please, or ignore at will.

You wrote while I was writing. Yes! One of the things that was emphasized (over and over and over) when I was studying gifted ed was just that: ironically, classroom teachers are the WORST (I guess this has been proven) at identifying gifted students. They tend to refer the "shiny apples" for testing...and are shocked when they don't test in the range.

Even more ironic: I feel like my son's teachers this year--who are all teaching only gifted students--did not seem to recognize some of his behaviors as being typical (if extreme--he is 2E) as potentially being related to giftedness. They are all green, though. If they last in the program, I suspect they will meet some more variations on the theme. The evil side of me hopes so.

Another common theme among educators (that will probably get a laugh, here)...a mantra, really: "it's not the gifted children who are the problem; it's the gifted parents." :P

We didn't really have any ONE conversation with DD. We just answered her questions in a pretty matter of fact way.


She's an outlier. Once she was old enough to understand what a normal distribution meant-- she was old enough to have that part of the conversation.

Also discussed why school never really "fit" well, even with acceleration-- because what SHE needs is very very different from what others need.

Talked (using visual representations, sketched out) about the differences in developmental arc-- and different domains, such as cognitive, physical, emotional, social, etc.



She found Dabrowski on her own when she was about 12, and that made all the lights come on for her-- it's her preferred means of understanding what it means to be this gifted in the world that we all share.

I'm guessing that more girls than boys NEED to have this set of conversations-- at least that is what the data suggest about adolescent girls (they tend to underestimate ability, and males tend to overestimate it). I also suspect that different people will find different models of what "g" means to be particularly resonant.

I don't like the word "gifted" for reasons described above but gladly use it in forums or with others who have experienced it in all its good and bad angles. It's an excellent code word. I remember an older colleague asking me, after I had been guardedly talking about DS "so is he gifted?" You can imagine how it felt to be able to talk openly after that, and to learn his now-grown children were as well!

DS has been told that he has a lot of ability in certain areas and that we are working with the schools, camps, etc. to make sure that his mind gets to use that ability and grow at the speed it is capable of growing. Or something to that effect. He's been partially accelerated, and now that he's been to gifted programs, he gets that others are also. Although we have talked about it matter-of-factly and said it isn't something to brag about, we did learn that he told a new group that he was the smartest in his class! Drat. We have never said that, although he may well be, so I'm guessing he observed it. Fortunately, the kids still like him. :-o

I work at home, and so was in the schoolyard every day for 7 years. The things the other kids - and their parents! - said to me about DS.... whew. Not bad things - we have an exceptionally kind and tolerant neighbourhood of kids. But the kids ALWAYS know who's different. They are very, very aware. They talk to each other, they talk to their parents, and they talk to me. Your child knows they're different, too.

What they may not know is why. And they are likely to come up with a lot of reasons why they just don't seem to be able to fit it and be like everyone else, and most of them probably won't be good.

So while I never wanted to use the G word with my children, our psych used it very matter-of-factly with them, and now, so do I. I talk to them very honestly and straightforwardly about both their E's, so they can understand and accept what makes them different is not good or bad, it's simply how their brains work. Some things are easier for them and others are harder, and we test because we want to understand how they learn and support that as well as we can.

I don't recall ever specifically using the term "gifted" with our children, but they do have some idea that their skills and capacities are out of the norm. Then again, in our extended family, they are really near the middle of the curve, if not a little below (depending on how far from the nuclear family we take "extended"), so maybe not that far out of some norm. I am not averse to using the label, but it hasn't been a necessary construct for us, mainly because we have structured their formal educational experiences so that as many of the predictable obstacles as can be have been avoided, and been in situations that have allowed them to be successfully avoided.

The language we use is also heavily influenced by my own childhood experiences, which were based on the principles that
1. Each human being is equally valuable, simply on the basis of her humanity, without reference to skills, talents, physical qualities, gender, class, etc.
2. Native abilities ("gifts") are accompanied by the responsibility to develop them, with the purpose of doing good, in proportion to the magnitude of the gift. (AKA, "with great power comes great responsibility")

There are numerous permutations of the responsibility one bears, including being intentionally respectful and gentle to those who have not been provided with the same abilities or opportunities. And respecting oneself and one's own gifts enough to embrace them.

I have gradually increased the depth of discussions around this topic as my DD's maturity and ability to comprehend it has increased.

At first it was 'we think about things more than most people do' type stuff, blended in with stuff like it is just a natural characteristic like height, hair/eye colour etc and that she should use 'her powers' for good and not evil LOL. Also, that she should not look down at others generally and that while she should never dumb herself down she must also not flaunt her intelligence either - humility basically.

Lately, we have gone into distributions of intelligence and also the fact that it can be a PIA to be aware of stuff that others just cannot see and are completely uninterested in seeing.

I told my DS he scored very high on some tests. He took the WISC V as part of an ADHD evaluation and we told him in that context.

DS is often down on himself for one reason or another. Frankly, I just wanted him to know that he has some natural gifts and can go far if he keeps working hard.

It was also becoming apparent- he has a separate curriculum for math and has noticed that he is allowed it read harder books at school than most of the kids in his class.

We also have the ugly duckling conversation every so often. Not being one of the popular girls can weigh heavily on a girl's mind it seems. One of the two girls that DD is closest to in her grade is obsessed by this. She really dumbs herself down and I find it almost physically painful to hear about. I feel obliged to remind my DD that she Has a good chance at being a beautiful swan one day...

We never told DS his score until pretty much now when he is in high school (he tested when he was in 1st grade). Kids know when the pace of learning at school is not working for them. We just told him when he took the test that some psychologists were interested in finding out how he learns and maybe can figure out a better way for his teacher and school to help him learn as much as he can at school.

DD10 never even tested, but she knew all along that she learns much, much faster than other kids at school and outside of school. We never mentioned the G word to her, just told her that people are talented in different ways, and we will help her develop her talent well.

Thank you all so much! I've got a lot to work with here, and I really appreciate it!

The reminders that its ok to share her gifts with her are helpful. As many said, for some kids (esp girls) its really important for them to know so they can build some self esteem. I think DD8 needs a shot in the arm there, and she's not a kid who is going to hold her brains over other kids (her brother, but they are equals in this area, so she can go for it -- at home LOL). If anything, she needs to know its OK to be smart, OK to be different. She had a very rough year with a teacher - who even at our testing review meeting was down on her accelerating (even though every other person in the room was for it; oddly she was accepting of the idea of accelerating her in math, but not ELA which is where her significant strength is!). Its hurt her self esteem in ways we can't even begin to see, and I think getting some positive information - including what it may mean for her (subject acceleration, I hope!) - is going to do wonders.

I am probably in the minority but I showed my child a bell curve. I did not give her numbers, because I feel like the specific numbers are fairly useless, just a range. She already knew she was different, her explanation was that she did not necessarily know more than her peers but she learned new information more quickly, which is spot on. I explained it using a baseball reference some pitchers can practice really hard and will still not be able to throw a ball at ninety miles an hour, some people can. It just means she is one of the people that could throw ninety mile an hour pitches with her brain if she continues to work hard. It seemed to work, for now!

In our district there are plenty of administrators and teachers who are downputting to parents and students. Parents do need to stand their ground but it's often very very tough. We had a 2nd grade teacher who was at times mean to DS and another very smart kid in the classroom. DS was somewhat hurt; but the other kid was so afraid of the teacher that his mom was very concerned. It also depends on each kid's resilience. DS was just fine come third grade with a much more understanding teacher. It took the other kid much longer to recover his self esteem (according to his mom).

I like this

I will not ever ever ever show my kids a bell curve. And only partly because it still scares me to think of how many sds from the mean they are.

I don't think it's a practical picture for them to carry around in their heads, that here's the world, and here I am, way over in the the 99.99something percentile.

Firstly, the world they inhabit is not a random sample, and doesn't follow that distribution. My husband and I don't know our IQs, but we can infer that they're fairly up there. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins are all also up there, with grade skips, tests "off the charts" and other indicators dating back three generations. Our friends and our friends kids are all probably fairly far to the right as well. My kids are not that far out of the ordinary in their daily lives, and they have at least a few kids in their classes with higher IQs than them.

Secondly, I feel like phrasing it as a difference of aptitude, interest, pace, and readiness is very much more practical. We all encounter people whose IQ might be way lower than ours but who know things we don't know and have skills we'll never master. I want to teach my children to appreciate that, and them. And even if someone is less accomplished and knowledgable than you in all ways, they can still be fun, or interesting, or whatever.

You can think that IQ is a meaningful quantity and is normally distributed and still share the above sentiments.

Agreed. Kids raised and educated in the company of intellectual peers may be more fortunate than most gifted kids. Forums are filled with painful experiences of gifted kiddos (especially PG kiddos of the DYS variety) being rare in their classrooms and schools, causing these kids to be outliers, aware of their differences in learning, interests, making connections between concepts, etc. In such cases, these gifted outliers may incorrectly believe there is something "wrong" with them, and having information about IQ and/or normal curve may help them immeasurably... possibly first and foremost by realizing that they are not alone (even though they've not had the experience of being surrounded by intellectual peers IRL).

Gifted kids who are raised and educated in the company of intellectual peers may never experience the sense of being outliers and therefore may not have the questions which outliers have.

DD13 expressed a lot of pain and disappointment at the pace of her classes, feeling that the teachers were going too slowly for everyone. I used rarity numbers to explain that the pace might be too slow for her, but was almost certainly not too slow for everyone. Likewise, we explained her low scores as rarities. Even in an area where the average is 1 SD up, she probably gets new ideas faster than anyone else in her grade, but is the slowest in the room at getting it down on paper. Knowing that she was an outlier helped her be kind to everyone she finds at school. She doesn't expect a perfect fit anymore.

I can, but if I show a child a picture of a curve and they are waaay in the bit where it's virtually flat they are going to remember that picture and attach significance to it. If I tell them with a shrug that they are doing the right math for them, and it just happens to have grade whatever on the front of the book because that's the most common grade for people to do that work it is much less dramatic. (and hopefully will make less of an impression)

Indigo, I'd still prefer a child think they're just the unusual one in their school rather than realising exactly how many schools you'd have to go through to find another.

I drew a bell curve roughly and said of the kids who did the test most were here and you were over here. I only said here as in the tail part not the tip of the tail.

DD has discussed basic statistics and even bell curves in math class, so we talked about that recently. She found it very interesting. She's been in a gifted school for a long time, so her frame of reference was off (like ours!)

With DS, who is younger, we've done the basic "Some people are good at drawing, or soccer, or singing...you've good at school things, like reading and math. You have a very speedy brain."

I did explain that she knows a lot of people on one end of the bell curve, and also that IQ tests are totally flawed instruments and measure only certain things. And I also brought up cultural bias in IQ tests, and then she started looking bored with me.

For testing, I just told my DS we needed to see what he's good at/what he's not so good at. His temperament is different from a lot of other kids -- he never hides who he is (probably his 2E causing this). He is usually eager to share information, so I did not share his test results with him (because of no/very little filter). He does know that he did well on most of them. His school does not have gifted ed. So, all he knows is, yes, he can learn things super easily. I think, for more socially-savvy gifted kids, it may not be such a loaded label.


My kid has questioned why he is sometimes slow to complete worksheets, but has been able to easily fly through that exact same worksheet when asked verbally. I think some gifted kids are also motivated and driven, and school tends to be easy for such kids. For other kids, who have 2E issues, and are not as motivated by subject areas that they know already, school is challenging. His music teacher seems to think he is excellent -- he loves music theory (it puts me off to sleep). He also loves learning languages. But nothing bores him like mundane worksheets do

Back to the OP, when we were in that situation we explained exactly that: DD was unhappy with school, and we were having her meet with an expert at matching kids to the best schools for them. (In your case, adjusting the school to work for your DD.) For this to work, she had to give the tester the best, most honest picture of herself possible. She absolutely saw this logic. It was years before we explained the results, because they weren't relevant to her at the time.

When my DS was 5 and was puzzled that this great place called Kindergarten where he was going to learn all these fabulous things never worked out and he kept asking me why he never learned anything at school, I told him - as matter of factly as possible. I told him that some kids are able to master elementary academics in a short period of time and are ready for even more but that for others, it takes 4-5 years to reach that point. I also told him that getting tested helps the tester write down what his brain's strengths and weaknesses were and that it helped the parents find other options - and that the tester's report would help us approach other schools that would give him work that matched his skill sets. He used to feel like a misfit before, but since we tested and then moved him to another school, he has met many gifted kids and found peers (even a few that are more gifted than him). He understands that he was trying to fit in before and that there was nothing wrong in feeling bored in a class where there was nothing to learn.

Do you think Stanford-Binet and WISC are culturally biased for certain groups of English-speaking U.S. residents? What I have read (for example in "Bias in Mental Testing" by Arthur Jensen) is that IQ tests are not culturally biased in the sense that people from lower-scoring groups outperform in academic achievement and in the workplace what their IQ scores would predict. These IQ tests have been through many revisions and have been vetted by psychometricians who know how to test for cultural bias.

Did anyone link to this Gifted Girls thread yet?
DD8 denied being smart the other day, which really annoyed the heck out of me Yeah, sure, because most 8-year-olds' ambition is to work at CERN and be the one to unravel dark matter *eyeroll*
But I shouldn't be surprised because it took me until I was 45 - FORTY-FIVE - to realize I was gifted too. I really wish someone had told me (several times, decisively) a few decades ago

Thank you all so much. DD, who asks us about all kinds of things that never are or would be relevant to her (things like what DH and I are talking about, even though she can clearly hear it has *nothing* to do with her... sigh) didn't ask a bit about the further testing and assessments.

I told her to expect more assessments, and she said 'oh, well Mrs. B had me do the end of the year 3rd grade assessment right after I did the end of year 2nd. I didn't mind, it got me out of doing the boring stuff the rest of the class was doing.'... OK, so clearly I overthought all this!! LOL.

At some point we'll have a conversation, I guess, but for now all I've said is that we're looking to see what she does and does not know, so that she doesn't have to have another year like this year where she is bored.

Again, I so appreciate all the advice. I feel like I have some strategies in place for when the conversation *does* happen - as we all know it will. Either she will come to me asking questions, or I'll notice her masking her abilities more and need to address with her that being smart is part of who she is, and that she shouldn't hide, apologize for, or deny that part of her. OR it will come up as soon as DS finds out she might be doing 4th grade math as a 3rd grader ;-) A totally different conversation (one in which I'll also have to do some apologizing to poor DS10 for the lack of challenge he had to suffer... but I can't control changes in administration; just take advantage of the opportunities those changes afford!). [I'm also kind of kidding about DS - he knows she does his 4th grade math homework at home already, so it won't come as too much of a shock...and, I hope it doesn't need saying but just in case, I will not be pointing out to him the fact that she'll be subject accelerated... Plus I do have some hope for changes for him too, just those are not easy changes like hers could be]

Agreed, as this seems to be what is true in their circumstance: For other children, who are outliers, this may not be true. If they've not been surrounded by intellectual peers IRL, they have more questions about the rarity of their intellectual profile.

In any event, I did not post about "exactly how many schools you'd have to go through to find another."