Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Please help.

I have been lurking here for a long time. I am a lone parent who is beyond desperate and hoping for some ideas from here. As I have read things here I can recognize my five year old son and trust my gut instinct that he is g+t. All milestones very early, fantastic memory, curiousity to the point of aggressiveness and extremely creative and "different" Does lego for teenagers, plays with numbers, obsessive about death,time and other subjects of interest to him. Very wilful and argumentative, etc, etc. The problem that I am having is that he has recently become aggressive to other same age children and bullies and teases them mercilessly. Fine with older children and much younger. I did have him tested but he did not cooperate and scored high average. Hit ceiling on one subtest and only seven on another. what do I do now?

Depending on his age, it's hard to get an average read. When DD8 was 3 her pediatrician recommended testing. She was very shy and didn't talk a whole lot. Her score was not GT. At seven she was administered the WISCIV and tested at 148 which I'm told is a not common score on that test.
I think it's common especially for HG(+) to be frustrated with same age peers. Also, at a young age they don't seem to have those insights that would allow them to keep their comments to themselves, I think it's a good idea to get involved and try to discourage this behavior from becoming a solid habit.
There was a period of time when I had to watch DD6 100% of the time during playdates, so I could interrupt her each time she said or did something that would be considered socially unnacceptable and bring it to her attention. I would gently ask her to step away and calmly explain in age appropriate way why it was not okay and how the other child may react/feel. It seemed I did this over and over and over and over....etc....
It's an ongoing process but has gotten much better.
If you have a child psychologist who works with GT, perhaps you can recruit that person to help you.

Good luck

Welcome Rachibaby. I think incogneato's advice is a good one.

I have 5 year old son as well. He used to be a very reliable kid when it came to playdates. I never had to worry about him doing something bad but around 5.5 he became a pain. All of the sudden we started having problems. He started being bossy and mean if the other child let him. If the other child was in charge all was well though.

I think there were two reasons for it. First of all he needs kids with whom he can play on certain level. I am sorry to say that but some kids are no longer a good match for him. It sounds bad but on the other hand I got to respect that he may prefer not to play with some of his former friends and we stopped setting up playdates with some of them.

The other thing is he his problem with new situations and people. When we meet new kids (as we've done that a lot lately because we are moving towards HS and met a few HG friends) he is nervous and sometimes tries to get attention the wrong way.

It doesn't help that he can get his younger brother on his side and he then starts behaving like a jerk too.

We now have a deal that if he doesn't like a playdate or simply has had enough (been there for too long or is tired for example) he may ask to go home and we will leave within the next 15 minutes. If the playdate is at home he is more than welcome to go to his room and get some alone time if needed.

Things are much better now but I still remember being horrified when my well behaved kid threw toys at other five year old. Gee.

Hi rachibaby,

Plan to test again in a year (basically, when your son has picked up reading proficiently and the learning curve takes off). In the meantime, monitor playdates carefully. I found that there was a period of time my kids did not enjoy other kids, so we just suspended organized play. Instead, I'd read to them and they'd read to me, we'd play board games, bike ride, go to museums. It was way more work for me (and more enjoyable) but I have always found that the more time I spent with each child, the better-behaved they were. This is still true, from my 6 yr old to my almost 14 yr old. It's very demanding! If you don't have that kind of time, see if you can set him up with some independent activities (like legos or computer games) that can be "checked" rather than full-time interaction. Maturity will come with age. Begin a dialog about what is acceptable & unacceptable behavior, using how others feel when he does something inconsiderate ("how do you think John feels when you tease him? Would you like that?") Have consequences for bullying/naughty behavior.

At 5, they're trying to test limits and they need to learn respect for others and empathy. While it's sometimes hard to do, I remember one mom who only moments after she arrived at a playground, turned around and went home with her boys when they misbehaved. I was so surprised! But I've thought about it a lot. She was clearly communicating she was in charge and meant what she said that they needed to behave (her kids were WAY better behaved that mine or most others).

Great advice! Understanding, yet unflinching. Nice work, friends!

Welcome, Rachibaby~

Maybe your son needs a break from those playmates that he isn't getting along with. Are there older kids who are willing to play with him, or teenagers you could hire as sitters to give yourself a break? When I was a teenager, I babysat regularly for a GT preschooler (thinking back, he was probably HG+) and enjoyed playing games with him and reading to him.

Has your son started school?

Definately! I didn't think to add what is a very good point, cym. While I think it's important to manage the child's bad behavior, it's also important to respect who the child is and manage the environment. As they grow and get more experience they can make better choices for themselves. When they are little, they can't just say: "I'm feeling overstimulated right now, I need a break from social activity."
If I really think about it, I do that as well. I think it's an intuitive skill for me that has been more automatic than purposeful. Somedays a playdate is just a bad idea and I think I've gotten better at determining that for her.
So I guess I try to attempt to balance between managing their behavior and making sure I have reasonable expectations. Sure sounds simple. For me it isn't though!

Thanks everybody.
He goes to pre school five mornings a week and starts school full time in september. I am dreading that as the goals for reception are counting to twenty, writing your name and so on. He is currently about two years on from that. I do not work and support elderly parents which takes up a lot of my time. He is bored rigid but as I have no evidence to show school I am unable to approach them. The latest incident took place at the local park when three other boys from pre-school turned up and he ruthlessly tormented them. He is very young emotionally. I gave two warnings and then we left. He does play with lego a lot, but I feel he is lonely and craves interaction with six to seven year old children. This can't happen as they are all in school. Other activities are out of the question as I live on state benefits. I am counting the days to school.

Another problem is that he constantly seeks interaction and stimulation and does not sleep. I guess I just wanted to hear that others have btdt. All his peers(age) go home and play quite contently..

Something to consider is videotaping him the next time he does this then showing him the tape of it. You will help him to behold himself as others do. Viewing his actions should create a sense of shame in him. You can then show him the tape later and say that you are so proud of him for maturing.

Is he in sports? You can put him in football or soccer - many leagues have assistance and the 2-3 hours of practice and games will also give you time to recharge while giving him an outlet that will help him to burn some energy AND interact with other kids.