Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Highly Gifted Child Rubs Teachers the Wrong Way

I have a 13-year-old highly gifted and very verbal DS that seems to rub some adults the wrong way. This has been so since he was at least 2 years old. Like Dennis the Menace with a high IQ! Yes, he does tell most people what he is thinking, but always in a respectful way. And yes, he does talk A LOT to the point where I know adults wished he would stop talking. He loves to talk about new science breakthroughs and computers and powerful cars. We've had friends tell us that when they have conversations with our DS, they forget he is a kid and sometimes bring up adult topics while talking to him.

He always seems to have a couple of teachers each year that our DS suspects do not like him. Just tonight he told me he was talking to himself while writing an essay in English and his teacher walked by and told him, "you can stop writing your essay now because you have a zero on it already for talking." Later in class, my DS raised his hand to answer a question and his teacher told him, "put your hand down, Mr. Zero!"

He has experienced other adults and teachers who I know believe he is cocky and a know-it-all. It seems these adults are insulted because my DS talks to them as an equal, and they feel he is only a child and he should be treating them as his elder. However, when it comes to their judgement of him or their behavior towards him, they hold him accountable as if he were an adult.

Any ideas?

I volunteer in the school a lot and over the years there has been one boy in my DD8 class whose attitude and demeanor have always rubbed me the wrong way. This year I started considering the possibility that he might be highly gifted and after doing so much gifted reading on my own I now realize that there can be certain uncontrollable behavior and personality traits that accompany being gifted.

Honestly, it made me more tolerant of his condescending tone and rude behavior. I don't let it slide anymore then I would have before hand, but knowing that he may not have complete control over it makes me have more patience towards it.

FWIW, I don't hold him accountable to any higher standard of behavior then I hold any other 3rd grader to and I feel that being respectful (even when you disagree) is an extremely important human trait to possess regardless of intellectual capability. Now when I feel like he is being rude or disrespectful I take more time to explain to him why his tone or his actions are not acceptable to me (rather then assuming he understood by my dissatisfaction with him).

I think the teacher who made the zero comment to your son was totally out of line and I would probably be having a conference over that. No child deserves to be ridiculed by the teacher in front of their peers. That seems bizarre and cruel to me.

I would email the "Mr. Zero" teacher with your understanding of the situation and ask him his take on the situation and ask what makes him think that's an acceptable way to interact with students. I would also cc the principal. That behavior is way out of line.

But I think you should also consider that your son might be having trouble with social cues and behaviors. It sounds like there have been plenty of instances you're aware of where you think he's rubbing people the wrong way, talking too much, and leaving people with the impression he's a know-it-all. Even if that's not his intent, it seems like he needs help with his behavior so people don't get that impression (assuming you don't want that).

Totally agree with this. The problem may not be giftedness alone, though it's a factor.

DeeDee

I wouldn't get too worried that something is wrong, though, if you have no other reason for concern (do you?) My father can be like this, unfortunately, and I suspect he always has been. There is nothing else wrong with him, but he is extremely smart (probably PG) and by nature impatient.

However, I think you could work on this behavior with your son. I have a child like this and we're always trying to work on it. Does he correct people a lot? That really aggravates many people, even if he's right. We are always trying to make DD think about whether she NEEDS to correct people (ie, will someone be physically or emotionally hurt if a correction is not made?)

The teacher sounds unprofessional to me, since she is not giving grades based on the quality of the work. In an ideal world I would complain to the principal, but in the real world with tenured teachers who can retaliate, it's a tougher call.

Not withstanding the teacher issue I believe it is important to learn how to best fit in socity. I am not saying your son does not, but from my personal experance (Still a bit of a know it all) it can be better to listen more. I have little patiance at times and find I need to interject my point of view. I also believe if I find it interesting then I need to share it. I am 50 now and getting better. My DS10 has some of the same issues, however he mostly keeps it in control at school. Since K we told him not to answer every question, do not correct the teacher unless asked, and do not help anyone unless asked. This seems to work. At home he is now starting to correct my wife and I, (Maybe a learned behavior from us). He also talks non stop at home to the point of rambling. We do try to help him learn when the correct time for talking is and is not. We keep tyring to give him the tools he will need to fit in with others. Lucky for me my DW has these skills, learning active listing skills goes a long way for better social inetraction. As my DW remindes me, people like to talk about themselves, learn to ask them questions and you will leran more then from you telling them what you know or think.

Hmmm, it is important to learn when not to talk. And during an English essay (test?), it would be especially important to be quiet - as talking (even to himself) may well distract the other students around him (and lower their score!). 13 seems old enough to have learned this lesson. To receive a zero on the essay for talking seems excessive - unless the teacher had warned him about not talking during essays/tests in the past. The teacher's comment afterwards "Mr Zero" - it depends a lot on tone - it could be a friendly, though perhaps inappropriate, joke or an insult. Are you confident your son tells the whole story (in particular on whether this teacher has warned him about talking in class before)?

I understand, as sometimes, especially when I'm stressed, my son rubs me the wrong way. He can also talk non-stop, correct me, get frustrated if I don't know something fast enough.. Etc. He just turned five last week so there is more latitude for it, but I really have to work on him not bossing others and knowing when to stop talking. It's hard, because it is just his nature, but I think a more important skill than all the academic schooling. I think it is kind of sad that you have to say, hey don't answer a question if you know it so others don't view you as a know it all...but, learning to hide you smarts to fit in better is just one more kind of emotional IQ that in some instances is important, sadly enough.

This is what I wondered as well.

Being parent to another 13yo, I mean-- I am amazed sometimes at the relevant information that she can overlook/omit in relating interpersonal interactions. Some of this is adolescent thinking, I'm afraid.