Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Dealing With Teachers: Advocate Or Just Apologize?

Twice this year, I've had to put out fires with teachers who have misinterpreted my son's intentions, words, etc., believing he was either willfully deceptive or being disrespectful and argumentative when he was just being literal and not reading social cues correctly. Last week, he was goofing around in band and hid in a supply closet during the broadcasted school announcements to scare a friend who had done the same to him the day before. The teacher, rightfully so, reprimanded him, and my son apologized and acknowledged that it was inappropriate and that he wouldn't do it again. Had the issue ended there, I wouldn't be posting here.

Alas, after my son apologized, the teacher explained that it was dangerous for him to hide in the closet because he couldn't hear the fire alarm in the closet. My son, actually wanting to reassure her that kids would be safe, corrected her and told her that if he could hear the announcements in the closet, he could most definitely hear a fire alarm.

She, of course, was furious at what she interpreted as disrespect. My son was baffled as to why she turned angry and came up upset and wondering why she was happier being wrong.

I explained to him that when one is being reprimanded by an authority figure, it was socially unacceptable to choose to correct them at that time. He said he thought he understood, but I am sure I'm going to get called on the carpet again the next time he doesn't recognize a specific nuance of the social rules.

This wasn't so much a problem when he was younger. I think he was this cute little boy that the teachers got a kick out of when he said something precocious. On a 7th grade boy who is now as tall as them, it isn't cute or precocious - it is a challenge to their authority.

When I tried to explain to the band teacher that he is literal, she said that it wasn't helping to have me defending him instead of backing her up. I told her I did back her up but wanted her to better understand him. It was clear she didn't want to.

So, what do you do? Do you just apologize or do you push to advocate and create a bigger issue? I keep looking at this and wondering just how exhausted I'm going to be putting out fires between now and when he graduates ... sigh. Sorry - just have a bit of a bad day ...

Perhaps she should apologize for disrespecting him by either being wrong or making up a lie about why being in the closet was dangerous. Using a scare tactic or otherwise to validate a simple rule seems like she was trying to be heavy handed or a vague attempt to be punitive.

Then again people who closely guard their authority and have their emotion and ego tightly wound together find all sorts of ways to be punitive. Given that band has even more room for subjective muscle flexing... nevermind... I got nuthin'...

Oh wait, except maybe one good social rule for him which has nothing to do with respecting authority or anything that may be confusing to apply:
"Unless there is a chance of injury due to false information or you are specifically told your role involves correcting someone else, don't correct others."
If the urge is overwhelming, a simple "Ah" or "Interesting" or more deviously "I hadn't thought of that" (internalized for the self, this translates to: I would never have thought of something so blatantly false) should suffice.

My interpretation of the story as told is the teacher owes your son an apology.

Your son acknowledged his inappropriate behavior, and apologized. The teacher then pressed the issue further, making an argument that was dead wrong. It is not acceptable for your son to be continued to be dressed down by an authority figure in this manner (I assume in front of all his classmates). Your son defended himself from the unfair charge, and the teacher escalated her own inappropriate behavior in response.

This is band class, not boot camp or the police station.

I vote for apologizing because that's probably the only key that works for this particular lock.

Sounds like the teacher is insecure. In your place, I wouldn't endorse an apology. Your son was matter-of-fact and rebutted a false statement. As a parent, the extent of "intervention" I would take would turn on what "angry" looked like; the context of how my son delivered the statement; and a comparison of how other students are treated in disciplinary situations.

My personal opinion is that wilfully ignorant people should be allowed to make themselves look foolish after a fair, private heads-up. The teacher would have earned more respect from her students by admitting the statement was false, but that's a lesson I'd let her learn for herself.

I'm with JonLaw on this one. It is a good lesson to learn which types of locks you are dealing with, as well. You can discuss with your son that all people deal with situations differently and that for the most part he shouldn't correct an authority figure in public. I think it is good to let your son know that he was right to take responsibility for his actions and apologize, and that even if you happen to agree with him about the further commentary, it is best to take responsibility and say no further. Especially with this teacher.

I vote for educating this teacher - and her supervisors - about the fact that your son has a disability. Again. Just because his disability is not as obvious as the child in a wheelchair or with a white cane doesn't mean he doesn't have one. This WILL get exhausting if you have to keep going through the same thing over and over. From what you have posted the common denominator is teachers who don't understand this.

I can't remember if he has an IEP or a 504 but I think it may really be time to call a team meeting and get everyone involved to understand that this CAN NOT continue to happen over and over. No you don't need to apologize. And I am afraid that it already is a bigger issue - address it now or it will keep coming up over and over again.

{hugs}

I'm trying to see this from both sides. Looking at details, your son was right about being able to hear the fire alarm. On the other hand, looking at the big picture, the teacher was right, and the details are irrelevant.

At the time, she was probably very stressed out, especially if the same thing had happened the day before. She may have been feeling flustered. This might have affected her ability to quickly throw out a reason for why it can be dangerous to hide in the closet (I can think of a couple. What if he knocked something over while trying to get in/out/hide better, and hurt himself? What if he hurt someone coming out? What if...etc?).

So she threw out a reason that wasn't accurate. Doesn't matter. The big picture here is that she was right overall. She definitely wasn't trying to open a debate with your son.

So even if he was right about a little detail, it doesn't matter. Plus, he could be interpreted as meaning, "I can hear the alarm, so it's okay to hide in the closet," especially to a person who's already stressed out. She probably knows at this point that you can hear the fire alarm in there, but her main point wasn't "FIRE ALARM." It was "DANGEROUS." His correct response (IMO) would have been, "I can see how my actions could be dangerous; I could have opened the door into someone who didn't know I was there when I came out," or "I could have knocked something over and hurt myself."

I can see that in that situation, a person wouldn't be open to hearing an explanation, because it could come across as an excuse for behavior, even if it wasn't meant that way.

There's probably an important lesson here: when someone is justifiably angry at you, a good way to soothe the situation is to see the big picture, acknowledge that the other person is right, and not argue about minutiae.

Yes. And it's important to recognize that people who make social skills mistakes have to be able to apologize effectively, because they are called on to do it so much more often than other people. It is not a just world in that regard.

So yes, teach DS to recognize when someone is angry at him, and teach him "soothing skills" as well as the skills to recognize when arguing back is more like shooting himself in the foot than like genuine debate...

DeeDee

ETA: the bigger picture (advocate or apologize)-- I would say both. It is vitally important that school people who deal with DS all the time understand the mistakes that are likely to happen-- these blowups are happening again and again and take valuable staff time and aggravate your DS. Teach them again. However, I do apologize copiously for my DS's mistakes, and I require that he do so as well. It's all learning.

Why is the teacher so angry in the first place? Is a 7th-grader really such a threat to her? Does the district have an anger management course she can attend?

I mean, yeah, I get where you're coming from... we're all helpless to control the irrational behaviors of others, so the best we can do is adopt coping mechanisms for dealing with babies of all ages, and teach our children the same. But at the same time, this is sending a terrible message to the child, because other than exhibiting an age-appropriate misjudgement, by attempting an ill-advised prank, he has done nothing wrong here. Reinforcing the teacher's message, that it's his fault that she can't behave professionally, is not good for his psychological development.


IMO, it's not his job to explain all the possible negative outcomes. He's a child. That's the job of the responsible adult, and if she's offering reasons that are just plain wrong, she shouldn't be doubling down on them, she should be accepting his information and offering better reasons, like the ones you gave here.