Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion how do you explain the events of 9/11

Ren,

That was so absolutely beautifully said. You said the perfect thing for your wonderful daughter. She is so very lucky to have you. May you find the strength, peace and courage that you need in the days/months/years ahead. May you find the time to mourn and find your peace in this.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, Ren. I think you said the right thing. Even a young child who might not be able to fully deal with the suffering of a parent shouldn't hear that the parent wants to go on, leaving them behind. The question was probably prompted by some well-intentioned attempts at counseling by others.

Lucounu
I wasn't there obviously but what struck me from Ren's account was that it was her SIL who said DH wanted to go - to me that wasn't a counseling thing, but what adults, particularly religious ones want to hear - the person wants to go where there is no suffering and they will be happy and at piece. Some adults will find that comforting, and not see that children might not see it that way. Most likely the SIL was offering what comforted her.

DeHe

I guess the three options are that Ren's daughter asked the question because it just occurred to her without any input, someone had suggested the idea to her directly, or she had overheard it. I think it's most likely that someone spoke to her beforehand in an attempt to comfort her, but it doesn't matter in the end. I continue to think that Ren did the right thing, and a child shouldn't hear that a parent wants to go on and leave her behind. Even a religious person focused on self-comfort during such a difficult time should realize that a child is part of the picture, and also that it's almost certain to be untrue that a dying parent wants to go to eternal rest while leaving a small child behind. Such statements where children are involved are at best false and cliched, and may be inconsiderate and hurtful.

I'm so terribly sorry, Ren. I agree that you said the right thing. I have a close friend who lost her mother at a young age and I know that people said some things to her about her mother being in a better place, etc., that were hurtful and bewildering to her. No child wants to hear that, and you were right to correct the statement.

Wren, so very sorry to hear of this. We lost a son in 2010 when ds was 3.5, and it is still a challenge to discuss his brother's death with ds. Death makes no sense (or at least has no order) - and yet we don't want our kids to live in fear. Lately, my ds has been bringing up his brother a lot. Even when it hurts and we don't want to "go there", we let him him talk and affirm his feelings. We never want our kids (my dd doesn't understand yet) to feel they have yo keep these things in. It's hard because my ds wants to discuss the same things over and over. I think our kids help us face grief when it would be do tempting to run and hide.

Ultrmarina...those "feel betterisms" are awful. No one feels that losing their loved one is "for the best" or "part of God's plan" or "ending their suffering". I really wanted yo punch people in the face most days when I heard those things. "I'm sorry " is more genuine.

Yesterday, We were stuck in a traffic jam caused by a very serious accident in the east-bound lanes (we were west-bound). There were three semi trucks involved and two cars (one completely pinned under a semi). Life-flight landed right in front of us as multiple emergency workers used jaws of life to retrieve people from the mashed car. Not everyone made it. It was awful and gruesome - and I was relieved that my kids were engrossed in their Dvd. Some things kids don't ever need to see firsthand.

Ren, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts are with you. You know your daughter best and you said the right thing. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong, intelligent mom who will do the very best for her always.

Yes. If you speak from the heart, it's never a mistake. So sorry to hear, Ren. Time will heal.