Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion how do you explain the events of 9/11

Age appropriate and all that, but if you let your child watch YouTube, browse news channels or access to to TV without vigilant monitoring, then there is a large likelihood that they'll be exposed to footage. If we, as parents, don't provide a narrative for what they see, then they'll fill in the gaps of their understanding with their own imagination, what they hear from friends or with whatever slant is being projected in what they're watching.

My two oldest were already in school, so they have their own narrative of events. The youngest was too young to remember, so when he became old enough to be aware of the world beyond our own cocoon, we began telling him about the events of that day. Our kids view so much simulated violence through animated films, movies, video games, etc., that it was important for us that our kids understood that this wasn't a game-over moment but real tragedy and sorrow for families and real consequences to entire groups of people because of the agenda and actions of a few.

Kids are self-centered. That isn't bad, just that they don't have a lot of control over their own lives and, thus, filter everything in their environment by how it affects them or will affect them. We keep this is mind when we discuss world events so that while they are taught the "bigger picture", they're also allowed to process whether this will affect their own security, safety and way of life.

Yes... exactly. Thank you.

LOL I just wrote a multi-paragraph response citing examples of my daughter's sensitivities (won't let me trap fruit flies, became frantic when I was trimming a plant until I told her it was just like hair cut, still cried 6 months after my sister's cat died, etc etc, many many more examples) ...and it somehow got deleted. Good grief (I meant to press the back space key and now it's gone).

Anyway, DeeDee, you're absolutely right. My daughter was born highly sensitive and she's making progress (because we're trying not to shelter her too much), but she really needs a different yardstick than a typical kid in this regard.

I've tried to be careful to show that there are exceptions in my thinking, that any child should only be exposed to an advanced topic when she's ready, and that I am not speaking about anyone's situation in particular. This is the sort of valuable discussion that would be much more enjoyable and less stressful to have in person; I think we're dealing with some issues of nuance and restricted bandwidth. I'm not making veiled statements about ultramarina's parenting or anyone else's, but I do have a difference of opinion with her on children's general capacity to handle what's sometimes considered to be harmful information.

The problem seems to be that in discussing what's appropriate to do in general, we each disclose our own value judgments. This can imply a belief that the other is using a wrong parenting approach, no matter how much we disclaim it. All I can say is that I'm as open on this as I can be; I'm not thinking those thoughts.

Thank you This is my DD as well. I've also spent my whole life being misjudged as weak because I'm sensitive. It's a lesson I'm trying to pass on to my DD - I'm trying to teach her to manage her emotions better because they don't always accurately reflect what she's capable of, and society has a skewed perception of this: "impassivity = strength" (sigh)

And you know what, everything you've said makes sense. In theory, I'm right with you. But if they handed you my daughter in the delivery room... and you took her home and raised her... You'd see what I mean. Let's just say our kids our different.

Worth noting is that my husband has tried purposefully to toughen up our kids, and it's helped, but in spite of that I'm still dealing with a daughter who won't let me kill fruit flies and insists that I catch and release them.

I am a really sensitive person; that's not to say I'm not analytical. Note that I discuss events like 9/11 openly with my son so that he understands the full human impact of those events, which he can't do without the information.

I would be tempted to take (really minor) offense at your tone, but I know it's only used because you feel insulted. I'm not going to apologize for my beliefs or parenting style, but I wholeheartedly want you to understand that I wouldn't snipe or cast veiled aspersions about something like this.

I don't want to descend into minutiae here, but while I'd agree that emotional sensitivity is a good thing to have, it's not been a necessity for many people who have changed the world in vastly important ways. I also don't think that the self-sacrifice of people like the Tiananmen Square tank suicide, self-immolating monks, etc. tend to cause large-scale political change, though they may serve as symbols for a movement at a useful time. Either the critical mass for change is there, or it's not. I await the first Wikipedia link on Thich Quang Duc.

ETA: I want to explain a prior sentence of mine a little further:

This is meant to refer to shielding children from reality in general, often with heaping doses of cloyingly sweet pop culture and media aimed at keeping children babyfied. In my opinion too many children are fed a steady intellectual diet of low-quality fare dealing with fairies, princesses, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Barney, etc. when they could just as easily be exposed in easy small doses to the way life really is, along with much higher quality stories. If pop culture for kids in the U.S. weren't so unnecessarily babyfied, children would begin their learning trajectory on real life much earlier, and I'm certain that no harm would be done. The learning curve should be gradual enough to avoid any harm, but there's no reason for it to be unnecessarily delayed.

The shape of the optimal curve will be different for each child based on sensitivity, sure, but the curve is unnecessarily depressed for almost all children, at least in the U.S. That's my belief, and unfortunately it's tough to get across without causing offense.

That's a good point. I should have said "mental age" or "emotional intelligence level" or something like that. That's sort of what I was thinking rather than chronological age but I wasn't clear.

I'm both as well. I bounce back and forth between emotional reactions and hyper-detailed analyses of random things. My poor husband...

I think it's the "volume turned up" aspect that comes with G&T. Nothing is lukewarm or bland.

Actually, no one knows what happened to the Tiananmen square "Tank Man":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tank_Man

(Minor point, but I was not meaning to hold up suicide as an act of courage. I never believed him to have been killed.)


I notice you use primarily girl-oriented media examples here. What about superheroes, etc? Plenty of bash, kill, die media models for boys. I don't really think kids' culture is cloyingly sweet as a whole. I would argue that none of it is very realistic, however. I don't know if I care THAT much. Childhood stories are not supposed to about realism. Fantasy is extremely important.

I will note again that I don't advocate lying to children. I have always answered my children's questions honestly. I have no patience for anyone who lies about death or where babies come from. But I don't think my 4yo needs to see step by step explicit photos of adults having sex to know how reproduction works and I don't think my 7o needs to see bodies falling out the sky to understand 9/11.

I appreciate the civil conversation.

This summer has been very difficult. DH took a sudden and steep decline with his cancer and now is expected to die anytime.

Struggling throughout, what do you tell a child, I tried to be as honest as possible since she obviously sensed from me and the urgency of activities that this was serious.

Nothing is harder for any child than to deal with death of a parent but it also makes clearer for me, when dealing with all these spiritual counselors, that you have to deal with your own gifted child in a unique way. Not only do you have to talk about science and medicine, but you have to deal with your own spiritual beliefs and make sense for your child.

Even little things. As we said a final goodbye, and I was holding her in my arms crying, it was too much to go back, as he has his final decline, she asked, "does he want to go?" My SIL stepped in and said yes, but I intervened, because I knew what she needed to hear. I said no, he wants more than anything to stay and be your father, but his body won't let him.

This is one of the toughest things I have had to deal with, for myself, but mostly with a child who is wise beyond her years, but is still a child.

But being on the forum has helped me understand my child so much better and I thank you for everything this has given me to help her.

Ren