Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Grade skipped girls & dating

Are there any parents of grade skipped teen (or older) girls on this board? Now that my oldest is in high school, the subject of dating is becoming more real. She had a "boyfriend" for a bit in middle school, but it was pretty innocent and he was the youngest in grade (bd on the day of the school entry cut-off) so he was only a year older than dd. Dd's bd is very close to the cut date as well, which made her the youngest in grade pre-skip and now, post-skip, most of the kids in dd's grade are 1-2.5 yrs older than she.

On top of that, in general, she seems to prefer the kids in the older grades. There is also more mixing of the grades in classes in high school. She is in classes with a number of sophomores and some juniors.

For the most part, I'd say that the boys who seem to be noticing dd are significantly older than she. She is, at this point, fine with the idea that she can't date a 16 y/o, for instance (she's 13), but I wonder how this works longer run. Being HG+, she doesn't seem to find peers easily (male or female) and thus tends to be drawn more to older people for friends. I worry that will be the same in the boyfriend department especially since the boys who notice her also seem to be quite a bit older.

Dh and I have quite an age difference ourselves, but I was 25 when we started dating. I see even a few years of age difference to be more problematic in teens. Thoughts on how HG girls who are often in classes and extracurriculars with older boys find boyfriends who are both intellectually and emotionally appealing and not way older?

Hi Cricket,

I can only talk from my own experience, which may or may not be helpful. I started dating a boy 3 years older than me when I was 15. For me it was great, I was emotionally ready for all that entailed, we went out for a little over a year. Between him and my husband, who I met at 18, I dated a couple of other older boys/men, including a 27 year when I was 17, and my husband who was 28 when I met him at 18. At no point did I feel exploited or pressured. These were (and still are - I am still with my husband 15 years later, and still friends with one of those boyfriends), good people who I had a real connection and equal relationship with.

Important factors were, I believe, that I had had thorough sex education, which enabled me to be responsible in my choices. Also, my parents were supportive (if no doubt a little anxious), which meant I didn't have to hide anything. I was pretty street wise from my particular upbringing so perhaps that made a difference - I couldn't say. I just never found boys my age interesting. Still today almost all my closest friends are 10 or more years older than I am.

Based on my own experience, I'd be ok with her dating older boys as she gets a little older (I would probably balk at a situation like my HG best friend's in high school. She was going out with an 18 yo at 12 yo - but as it turned out they were together, very happily, for 7 years!) In reality I'm not sure you can stop it - certainly I would have found ways around any 'ban'.

I have no doubt not all experiences with such big age gaps work out well, but certainly in the case of my friend and I, our relationships were very positive.

In my personal experience, since dd is 7, and this is a question I will have to deal with, I was not allowed to date until 16, which made high school dateless. Although it was rather strict, there was a lot of "group dating" and parties.

There was also good sex education from my mother, who said I had the responsibility of pregnancy. She said sex was great, but I was the one who had the risk.

It is all dependent on your kid, the crowd (I was a cheerleader and partied hard in high school so waiting was great protection from myself). I did have a boyfriend in grade 12, he was no genius but a foot ball player. I think if I had better taste in men (finally as I got older I did) dating wouldn't have been so risky.

Ren

Yes, I'm one of those parents. I'll be honest, it's one of the things I found quite negative about the skip. Dd21 had a bday 3 days before the cutoff and skipped, so she is very similar to your dd. Dd19 had a bday a few months after the cutoff, so she is definitely younger, but not as much (although she'll graduate college in three, so she's continuing the younger trend :)).
For dd19, she didn't really date until the end of HS. She was always very mature, a bit quiet, tall and gorgeous, so I think she intimidated boys. She's now been dating her prom date for two years - he's 5 days younger and a grade behind, and followed her to college. Dd21 was another story. She is PG, math and science oriented (biology degree) but frankly, she loved dating and loved boys (even though she has no patience for stupid ones, at least for the long haul). She has always dated older men, including a 29 year old recently. She's into make-up and fashion and sexy clothing that I do think started with her trying to fit in and look older (not trashy sexy, but still, just a shade too tight, heels too high, for my comfort level). In MS, she was very tiny, and looked very young - and she pushed issues like makeup and heels to combat that. Things like driving didn't bother me, but being asked to the 9th grade dance when she had just turned 13 and her date was 16 - that creeped me out.
I think it's really tough - dd19 still finds boys her age annoying in many ways, but she loves her bf and realizes that he is fun for her - much more social, they both love singing, etc... Her intellectual stimulation comes from her classes, her internship (literary) etc... For dd21, it's been hard. The 29 year old (a surgeon) was brilliant and intellectually stimulating, but in a completely, utterly different life point.
I feel like I'm being really negative and I'm not trying to be, but it IS tough. Being gifted and dating already has some challenges, but being younger and gifted is even more challenging. Dd21 can chew men up and spit them out to a certain extent, and she could in HS as well. I don't think she'll find a good life partner for a few years at least. She'll really need a strong, intelligent guy (strangely enough, looks don't seem to be hugely important to her, even though she's done modeling, but intelligence is a deal breaker). OTOH, Dd19 seems to be fine dating guys who fulfill other needs besides intellect - unlike dd21, she doesn't want to debate her dates, or spar intellectually with them.
I think you may come to the conclusion that your dd may NOT be able to find a boyfriend who is both emotionally and intellectually appealing, and not way older. She might have to compromise in HS and either decide not to date much (as dd19 did) because she just can't find a boy mature enough, or decide to date older guys, or smarter, but more immature boys her own age (as dd21 did). The biggest help I gave my girls, honestly, was just to listen to them when they couldn't find anyone who really fit what they needed and reassure them that they didn't need Mr. Perfect... I truly think that the perfectionism that gifted kids have can play into bad experiences in dating. My PG dd21 is very typical - super intense, perfectionistic, razor-sharp, quick... she's like a freaking force of nature. Sometimes we need to remind her to take it easy on these guys (I'm dead serious). Help your dd think about what she wants - someone to talk to? someone fun to date? someone who shares a certain interest? someone she finds attractive but not necessarily intellectually stimulating? She doesn't have to find everything in one guy - not in HS at least! In the same way that skipping was not an ideal solution, but worked better than the alternative, your dd probably won't find the ideal boy, but that's okay, because she doesn't need to right now.
Good luck...

Back again. I have found that PG girls generally find men in their programs, PhD etc. My childhood good friend is one, or they have a difficult time, especially if they go into business.

When I was in my 20s, I worked for a famous woman on Wall Street. She divorced the first husband and then married a very successful guy when she was in her 40s. On our way to a meeting I told her of my woes with this guy, an IVY league lawyer in a major firm, that seemed to like me. And she told me that her husband would never have come near her when they were in their 20s. She said successful smart women are very threathening to ambitious, smart guys. Because they are not sure of themselves until a certain point.

I dated a lot of investment bankers, top lawyers, traders, some famous and it is interesting when I look back. Many kept in touch over the years and only later did I get marriage proposals.

I am planning the nerd route for DD. Watching her now, I see resistance in the future, but then there is always that convent in Spain for high school...

Thank you all. Just to clarify a few things. I'm not necessarily needing dd to be dating and would be quite good if that didn't happen for a bit. What has mostly brought this to mind is that dd, herself, seems to be developing an interest in having a boyfriend and that she's had a few older guys (16-17) who are taking notice of her.

I majored in public health in grad school and part of what scares me about the age difference is a project I did on teen pregnancy. Major risk factors for teen pregnancy included lack of higher educational or career goals (NO problem at all here b/c dd13 is unusually directed in that regard) and girls dating boys older than themselves. If I recall correctly, something like half of teens who had babies had fathers of the babies who were in their 20s. Granted, I'm not looking at 20 y/os being interested in dd, but by the time she is 15 or 16, these same 16 or 17 y/o boys who are interested now will be 20.

We are pretty open and close and I know that she is pretty comfortable talking with me. I'd just much rather she find a peer group (guys and girls) who are closer in age and intellect so she didn't seem so drawn to older people for friends and boyfriend possibilities. I guess that I care less if her female friends are five years older, though, b/c there is less risk there unless the girls are drinking or something. Dd doesn't seem to be drawn to hanging out with people who are getting into trouble, though.

When I was 14 (and young for grade due to having moved from a state with a later cutoff), I was dating a 17yo. I broke up with him when I realized that he was a lot more serious about it than I was.

One of my college roommates was a girl who had been dating her 30-yo boyfriend since she was 13, and all of the rest of us thought that was creepy and disgusting.

Hi Cricket. DD 14 goes to a 7 - 12 school. She is three years accelerated in math. She takes classes with anyone from 7 - 12 grade, and one college course. She intermingles with older students. Her closest friend at school is a girl who is a grade above her and also accelerated two years. She has been dating mostly kids around her age. I think that her older girlfriends are more a problem in regards to the dating as they are talking about the more advanced sexual relationships than her same age peers. She is not asked out as often as her same age peers. She is tall, gorgeous (not only a mother's bias) looks about 17 and smart. I think she is to intimidating for boys. This is also disconcerting to her. She has a pretty good head on her shoulders and basically thinks that kids around her age can not fall in love yet and the dating thing is just a hoax. We are pretty open with each other and discuss a lot about sex etc. I worry about teen pregnancy. Interesting discussion... I have always dated older. I like to intellectually spar...My guess is so will DD.....

A general question is to what extent parents should try to influence and regulate the personal lives of their grown-up children.

This thread reminds me of an article

http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/07/06/living-together-pays-off-more-for-the-college-educated/
July 6, 2011, 3:21 PM
Living Together Pays Off More for the College-Educated
By ANN CARRNS .

It may be that high-IQ people (college grads have higher IQs than average) are more able than others to make good decisions in their personal lives without much outside advice (including that offered by organized religion). For most of U.S. history, and currently in much of the world, cohabiting outside of marriage is "breaking the rules". When rules are relaxed and people are left to their inclinations, that may be good for the bright and bad for the less-bright.

In our household my wife will likely lay down the rules for our kids, since she is more conservative. That leaves me free to philosophize, but not in front of the children .

Ahh, well...this thread isn't about adults. The OP was referring to a thirteen-year-old girl. I'm not sure that this is the right thread for a general discussion about parents and their adult children.