Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion SICK of "you have to let kids just be kids"

I am SO SICK of hearing "you have to let kids just be kids". It instantly makes me defensive, although I always just smile and nod in agreement.

I want to scream out "what are you implying? I do NOT do flashcards. I do NOT do workbooks. I do NOT use any kind of training program. My kids ARE kids."

I was really disappointed to hear this phrase used three times at a parent-teacher conference at the Montessori where my 3-year-old has attended for about 5 months. I thought they kind of understood him better, and understood us as a family. Just because a kid reads early or loves numbers doesn't mean I'm not letting him be a kid. I can't stop him from learning stuff. Arg!

With my 23 month old, it's even worse. She recently seemed to spontaneously start reading, and she often does it in public. She reads signs, people's t-shirts, she reads the sides of trucks (yelled out "Two Men and a Truck!" - the name of a moving company - the other day, in public). People respond with shock, and then just give me "the eye". I want to tell them - no, I didn't teach her to read! Yes, we read bedtimes stories every night. Yes, she likes looking at books and of course I allow it. But don't most parents do that?

The way she talks (full sentences, big words), the fact that she can count well and reads, it is just literally impossible to hide the fact that she is very different.

I find I'm becoming more defensive and more self conscious about it as time goes on. I had a family blog that I started in pregnancy, but I've all but stop posting to it because I don't know what to say. I don't like to write anything that could be construed as bragging, or anything that might make people question just what-the-hell we are doing with our kids to make them "this way." I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shut it down. I don't know if it's more to protect my kids or protect myself.

Sometimes I just feel lonely with all of this. I can share things with my mom, but even that has to be kept to a minimum. I have a nephew that is a bit behind developmentally, who was the first baby in the family and holds a special place in their hearts. So even my mom doesn't really want to hear what the kids are doing.

I want to just feel joyful and amazed at what my kids are doing. I'd love to share it with someone. But I can't. I'm too afraid to talk to any friends about it. I certainly won't talk to any neighbors or most family. And even those who should know our kids and understand them (Montessori) seem to think we are "pushing" our kids or "not letting them be kids."

Thanks for letting me vent here. I know this all probably sounds whiny.

Does anyone have some good idea for me on how to just let comments like this roll of my back. So far, all of my responses are purely internal. I don't say anything (other than politely agreeing) when someone says this to me. But it's really starting to get to me. I need a better way to think about it.

How do you all deal with this without letting yourself feel defensive?

You sound like you got hurt. And it really does hurt. {{hugs}}

Have you thought about looking for a different preschool? Did the comments at the conference just come from out of the blue? Our kids all went to Montessori preschools but we were never taken to task for having kids that were ahead developmentally - each child was celebrated for what they accomplished at the preschool, and the skills they focused on their were not traditionally academic for the most part - they were activities that built a great foundation, and a fundamental part of the curriculum was allowing the children to choose their own work and work at their own pace.

OTOH, if the comments came up because you asked about what your child was being given to learn (this is just my guessing one reason they might have happened...?)... then maybe consider a different philosophy preschool than Montessori.

In either case, it sounds like maybe the preschool isn't the best fit.

Re blogs and talking to others... I have always found that it's much more pleasant and easier to ask questions of other people about how their children are doing and listen to their stories first - and then when they ask about my kids, answer specific questions. Sometimes it seems like the world thinks we are bragging but honestly, I have listened to other parents talk about their kids (without me asking first) about *whatever* (doesn't have to be gifted kiddos) and it can be boring! I am very proud of my kids, but I don't feel like I have to share a lot of it with other parents.

One thing I found when my kids were young though is that when I took them to things like summer science camps, art workshops, etc, there was a higher percentage of kids who were more likely to be gifted in the mix and parents who weren't going to faint from shock if your two year old was reading or painting like Michelangelo

Hang in there - remember that what's really important is your kids and your family life, not what the rest of the world thinks of your parenting. Also sending you a big hug!

polarbear

Thanks for the hugs, guys. I knew parents here would understand.

The comments at the conference were basically out of the blue. The teacher was sort of giving a long monologue. The only question I asked at the entire conference was "How is he getting along with the other children?" because that was my main concern. He doesn't always connect with other kids and tends to ignore them.

I *think* what she was trying to say was that she (as the teacher/directress) didn't want to present too many advanced things to him. He's already doing the most difficult work in the classroom. He showed interested in reading advanced books, but she wants him to make sure he has mastered other things first. It was all kind of a confusing to me and my husband. I suppose there is a sequence they want the kids to go through and I think my son has skipped some steps in the sequence. (?)

I rationally know that she wasn't saying that I'm not letting him be a kid - I think in this situation she was saying that SHE wanted to let him be a kid. But I'm being defensive and taking things too personally. There are times, though, where this phrase is more directly told to me as a parent.

I thought the Montessori was going to be a bit more flexible. But apparently with both my kids, the are trying to hold them back even though show interest in more "advanced" activities.

My kids seem happy at this school, though, so I'm hesitant to look for another preschool.

Sometimes I'm just too sensitive, I think. I need to just simmer down.

Oh, and ... yes, that is the approach I take when talking to friends and neighbors. I ask about their kids and kind of try to focus on them. When asked about my own, I'm very very vague. Or I talk about something that isn't terribly remarkable (like my daughter's favorite stuffed animal or something).

I suppose everyone is a bit guarded in a way - in different areas for different reasons. And, frankly, I think people care a heckuva lot LESS about my parenting and my kids than I am imagining! LOL!

You know...with kids who are not as readily able to pick up reading, writing, math...those parents are told, "If you would work on this with n, try flashcards." (I have sat in on a number of IEP meetings as a parental support where this is common.) So, unless your kid is a middle of the road, compliant, robotic student... you'll alaways hear that YOU are doing something wrong. The thing is, if YOU feel like you are doing the right things and your child is happy, healthy and challenged in mind and body to learn and grow. You are doing exactly what your kid needs. Just keep pushing.

Thank you. Great perspective - that helped a lot. You are right!

This is special ed, not gifted, but this article on wrightslaw.com really opened my eyes about how schools operate. Frankly, it shocked me to the core.

sweatpeas-
I think you should just enjoy the ride. How lucky all of us are who have great kids! I have a small family and have lost almost all of my relatives- so I really appreciate my husband and kids and value them very highly. Don't ever let anyone take away the joy you find in your kids. There are no guarantees in life; you must enjoy them now and not hide it!!! I also think it OK to ask others who care about you and your family to share in your joy.
Do try to also share in the joy that others find in their lives. I really admire some kids of my friends that have extremely high "EQ"s and share that I think that their kids are special too.

However, I will add that I too have received some of the same responses that you have. I decided to go ahead and keep sharing info on my kid's achievements anyway. I figure if they can't stand to hear about it, they will stay away from us. It bothered me at first. However, I had trouble refraining... So I guess I just continued to share and they grew tolerant and decided to accept that it is true that some people are gifted and this really can't be denied by hiding their accomplishments. Most of the family and friends have finally accepted my kids as they truly are- gifted individuals who might have a tremendous positive impact on the world some day.

I had a thirty year homeschool program teacher lecture me on allowing my kid to be a kid when I went to look at her program. I never even got to ask about the program really. I went home crying. It was the last in a long line of walls I had hit concerning Wolf (then 4).

Then I called a program in a different district, explained my child, and said we wanted to start 1st in the fall. The woman said it sounded like a great fit. Then I told her how old he was. Her response? "So?"

The school makes a difference. In fact it makes an enormous difference.

Now I take the "let your kid be a kid" thing in stride. Both boys are learning at home (logging in the minimum hours on actual "work" to tell the gods honest truth) and play all day long. They are both at least at grade level in every area, mostly years ahead. I've actually grown to feel bad for the kids trapped in classrooms with hours of homework to look forward to when they are finally released. My poor cubscouts are so over worked and frazzled that I'm really starting to view conventional schooling as a societally accepted form of cruelty. When people pull out the "let your kid be a kid" thing, my response is, "Yes, yes we all should. They should be allowed to run, play and build things. Their imaginary worlds should be given as much respect as getting work done is."

In your case I would add, tongue in cheek, "I feel so awful when I have to take Skespeare away from my daughter and force her to color in the letter L on the coloring sheet. It always makes her cry."

You are indirectly doing what you dislike others doing, making accusations of "hothousing" based on little evidence. I have used workbooks (Singapore Math) and training programs (EPGY) with my children. They like to work on them a few times a week, and they still have plenty of time to go to the playground and play at home with each other.