I am SO SICK of hearing "you have to let kids just be kids". It instantly makes me defensive, although I always just smile and nod in agreement.

I want to scream out "what are you implying? I do NOT do flashcards. I do NOT do workbooks. I do NOT use any kind of training program. My kids ARE kids."

I was really disappointed to hear this phrase used three times at a parent-teacher conference at the Montessori where my 3-year-old has attended for about 5 months. I thought they kind of understood him better, and understood us as a family. Just because a kid reads early or loves numbers doesn't mean I'm not letting him be a kid. I can't stop him from learning stuff. Arg!

With my 23 month old, it's even worse. She recently seemed to spontaneously start reading, and she often does it in public. She reads signs, people's t-shirts, she reads the sides of trucks (yelled out "Two Men and a Truck!" - the name of a moving company - the other day, in public). People respond with shock, and then just give me "the eye". I want to tell them - no, I didn't teach her to read! Yes, we read bedtimes stories every night. Yes, she likes looking at books and of course I allow it. But don't most parents do that?

The way she talks (full sentences, big words), the fact that she can count well and reads, it is just literally impossible to hide the fact that she is very different.

I find I'm becoming more defensive and more self conscious about it as time goes on. I had a family blog that I started in pregnancy, but I've all but stop posting to it because I don't know what to say. I don't like to write anything that could be construed as bragging, or anything that might make people question just what-the-hell we are doing with our kids to make them "this way." I'm pretty sure I'm just going to shut it down. I don't know if it's more to protect my kids or protect myself.

Sometimes I just feel lonely with all of this. I can share things with my mom, but even that has to be kept to a minimum. I have a nephew that is a bit behind developmentally, who was the first baby in the family and holds a special place in their hearts. So even my mom doesn't really want to hear what the kids are doing.

I want to just feel joyful and amazed at what my kids are doing. I'd love to share it with someone. But I can't. I'm too afraid to talk to any friends about it. I certainly won't talk to any neighbors or most family. And even those who should know our kids and understand them (Montessori) seem to think we are "pushing" our kids or "not letting them be kids."

Thanks for letting me vent here. I know this all probably sounds whiny.

Does anyone have some good idea for me on how to just let comments like this roll of my back. So far, all of my responses are purely internal. I don't say anything (other than politely agreeing) when someone says this to me. But it's really starting to get to me. I need a better way to think about it.

How do you all deal with this without letting yourself feel defensive?

You sound like you got hurt. And it really does hurt. {{hugs}}

Have you thought about looking for a different preschool? Did the comments at the conference just come from out of the blue? Our kids all went to Montessori preschools but we were never taken to task for having kids that were ahead developmentally - each child was celebrated for what they accomplished at the preschool, and the skills they focused on their were not traditionally academic for the most part - they were activities that built a great foundation, and a fundamental part of the curriculum was allowing the children to choose their own work and work at their own pace.

OTOH, if the comments came up because you asked about what your child was being given to learn (this is just my guessing one reason they might have happened...?)... then maybe consider a different philosophy preschool than Montessori.

In either case, it sounds like maybe the preschool isn't the best fit.

Re blogs and talking to others... I have always found that it's much more pleasant and easier to ask questions of other people about how their children are doing and listen to their stories first - and then when they ask about my kids, answer specific questions. Sometimes it seems like the world thinks we are bragging but honestly, I have listened to other parents talk about their kids (without me asking first) about *whatever* (doesn't have to be gifted kiddos) and it can be boring! I am very proud of my kids, but I don't feel like I have to share a lot of it with other parents.

One thing I found when my kids were young though is that when I took them to things like summer science camps, art workshops, etc, there was a higher percentage of kids who were more likely to be gifted in the mix and parents who weren't going to faint from shock if your two year old was reading or painting like Michelangelo

Hang in there - remember that what's really important is your kids and your family life, not what the rest of the world thinks of your parenting. Also sending you a big hug!

polarbear

Thanks for the hugs, guys. I knew parents here would understand.

The comments at the conference were basically out of the blue. The teacher was sort of giving a long monologue. The only question I asked at the entire conference was "How is he getting along with the other children?" because that was my main concern. He doesn't always connect with other kids and tends to ignore them.

I *think* what she was trying to say was that she (as the teacher/directress) didn't want to present too many advanced things to him. He's already doing the most difficult work in the classroom. He showed interested in reading advanced books, but she wants him to make sure he has mastered other things first. It was all kind of a confusing to me and my husband. I suppose there is a sequence they want the kids to go through and I think my son has skipped some steps in the sequence. (?)

I rationally know that she wasn't saying that I'm not letting him be a kid - I think in this situation she was saying that SHE wanted to let him be a kid. But I'm being defensive and taking things too personally. There are times, though, where this phrase is more directly told to me as a parent.

I thought the Montessori was going to be a bit more flexible. But apparently with both my kids, the are trying to hold them back even though show interest in more "advanced" activities.

My kids seem happy at this school, though, so I'm hesitant to look for another preschool.

Sometimes I'm just too sensitive, I think. I need to just simmer down.

Oh, and ... yes, that is the approach I take when talking to friends and neighbors. I ask about their kids and kind of try to focus on them. When asked about my own, I'm very very vague. Or I talk about something that isn't terribly remarkable (like my daughter's favorite stuffed animal or something).

I suppose everyone is a bit guarded in a way - in different areas for different reasons. And, frankly, I think people care a heckuva lot LESS about my parenting and my kids than I am imagining! LOL!

You know...with kids who are not as readily able to pick up reading, writing, math...those parents are told, "If you would work on this with n, try flashcards." (I have sat in on a number of IEP meetings as a parental support where this is common.) So, unless your kid is a middle of the road, compliant, robotic student... you'll alaways hear that YOU are doing something wrong. The thing is, if YOU feel like you are doing the right things and your child is happy, healthy and challenged in mind and body to learn and grow. You are doing exactly what your kid needs. Just keep pushing.

Thank you. Great perspective - that helped a lot. You are right!

This is special ed, not gifted, but this article on wrightslaw.com really opened my eyes about how schools operate. Frankly, it shocked me to the core.

sweatpeas-
I think you should just enjoy the ride. How lucky all of us are who have great kids! I have a small family and have lost almost all of my relatives- so I really appreciate my husband and kids and value them very highly. Don't ever let anyone take away the joy you find in your kids. There are no guarantees in life; you must enjoy them now and not hide it!!! I also think it OK to ask others who care about you and your family to share in your joy.
Do try to also share in the joy that others find in their lives. I really admire some kids of my friends that have extremely high "EQ"s and share that I think that their kids are special too.

However, I will add that I too have received some of the same responses that you have. I decided to go ahead and keep sharing info on my kid's achievements anyway. I figure if they can't stand to hear about it, they will stay away from us. It bothered me at first. However, I had trouble refraining... So I guess I just continued to share and they grew tolerant and decided to accept that it is true that some people are gifted and this really can't be denied by hiding their accomplishments. Most of the family and friends have finally accepted my kids as they truly are- gifted individuals who might have a tremendous positive impact on the world some day.

I had a thirty year homeschool program teacher lecture me on allowing my kid to be a kid when I went to look at her program. I never even got to ask about the program really. I went home crying. It was the last in a long line of walls I had hit concerning Wolf (then 4).

Then I called a program in a different district, explained my child, and said we wanted to start 1st in the fall. The woman said it sounded like a great fit. Then I told her how old he was. Her response? "So?"

The school makes a difference. In fact it makes an enormous difference.

Now I take the "let your kid be a kid" thing in stride. Both boys are learning at home (logging in the minimum hours on actual "work" to tell the gods honest truth) and play all day long. They are both at least at grade level in every area, mostly years ahead. I've actually grown to feel bad for the kids trapped in classrooms with hours of homework to look forward to when they are finally released. My poor cubscouts are so over worked and frazzled that I'm really starting to view conventional schooling as a societally accepted form of cruelty. When people pull out the "let your kid be a kid" thing, my response is, "Yes, yes we all should. They should be allowed to run, play and build things. Their imaginary worlds should be given as much respect as getting work done is."

In your case I would add, tongue in cheek, "I feel so awful when I have to take Skespeare away from my daughter and force her to color in the letter L on the coloring sheet. It always makes her cry."

You are indirectly doing what you dislike others doing, making accusations of "hothousing" based on little evidence. I have used workbooks (Singapore Math) and training programs (EPGY) with my children. They like to work on them a few times a week, and they still have plenty of time to go to the playground and play at home with each other.

People always try to confort me about my "worries" about my older son. Sometimes I daydream about telling them the *rest* of the story... It's funny how people jump in to comfort you for your kids' being slow at something everytime you say "oh, I'm not sure that's the right book/project/whatever for DS right now..." as he stares blankly at them for a second, and then leaves.

DH has a great story about a substitue teacher and his math accelleration. Apparently the whole class "went allong" with the sub's assumption that he was doing remedial math... until he handed in both his (significantly) accellerated worksheet, and the regular class work before any one else in the class finished the regular work. Then he went back to his desk and took out a rubix cube... I'll let your immaginations fill that in

When I let DS "be a kid" he gets bored and starts tantrumming... but he's only 3, so I guess that's what they *want* him to do

I am also surprised by the comments, as I had a great experience at a Montessori preschool and now looking at one for middle school because DD will be able to grade skip.

Though they may want him to work on the writing, which means working on the alphabet. But writing is necessary. Sometimes it is hard to do that. But so what, these things happen.

Good luck and you can always brag here.

Ren

I sincerely apologize if what I posted offended you. My intent was not to make any kind of commentary on hothousing. I don't think using workbooks IS hothousing, so I'm not quite understanding the connection being made here.

My point was, I feel like when people say I am not letting my kids be kids they are implying that I must have them locked-down 24-7 doing academic stuff, that I never let them play or do what THEY want to do. My point was that I rarely even DO academic stuff with them - for example I don't use flashcards or workbooks.

So I don't quite understand how my post might have been interpreted as accusing anyone of hothousing. But my mind was very self-centered when I wrote it, so I apologize for my carelessness in my word choices. My hope is to support all parents here, and I appreciate the support I get in return. I'm very sorry I made anyone feel bad with my post. That definitely wasn't my intent!

I hope you can forgive me. You'd think with me being so sensitive, I'd be more sensitive to others in this regard!

That was a very interesting article. In some ways, not surprising. School Psychologists work for the schools, afterall, and wouldn't be likely to remained employed for too long if they were always pointing out the shortcomings of the administration, curriculum, or teachers. So of COURSE any problems with a child MUST be either the parent's fault or something "wrong" with the child. Very eye opening to see an actual study done on this.

It seems like most schools want kids to fit into tiny little boxes. If they don't, something must be "wrong" (with the kid or with the parents).

Thanks for sharing that link!

So true.

I would also add that most people feel strongly that their point-of-view is the correct one.

Sometimes, the school "psychologist" is not a psychologist at all. S/he can be a degreed person who has been "approved by the District". In our case, it is a Social Worker.

I'm coming a bit late to this conversation, but I wanted to thank you for starting this thread. I've heard similar comments with regard to DS 4 so many times, that I've started filling in the blanks even before people say anything: "We don't force him. Yes, we read to him and have lots of books, but he really did it himself."

whoa. That article makes you just stop in your tracks. geeze

I'm not upset, it's just that one can do some structured academic work with young children and still think of them as kids.

This! I'm not sure how to help anyone else be this way, but you just have to know, inside, that you are a great mom and you have amazing kids. I am not the least bit concerned about other peoples' opinion of me or my parenting abilities. Only my husband and I know what really goes on day-to-day in our family.

When these people are saying, "You have to let kids be kids," there's a significant part of that phrase that's going unspoken. Its unedited version would be, "You have to let kids be MY IDEA OF kids."

And the answer to this is, "I have to let my kids be themselves."

Oooh! Great response!

That is a really good response, I agree! It is what's really going on.

When my DD was a toddler/preschooler she spent alot of time really enjoying mud puddles, regular puddles, wet sand in nice places - botanical gardens, nature centers, the beach...she was always filthy (in a good way). I always had a change of clothes in the car or just zipped her home with a beach towel on her booster seat.

I used to get really, really sick of people constantly telling me she shouldn't do this or ask why this didn't bother me. Sometimes I would act shocked like they knew something I didn't, like if the mud was radioactive or something, and would ask them. They would be taken aback. Sometimes I would smile and say, "it's okay, I have this really cool invention at home..." and they'd say "what is it?" and I'd reply "it's called a washing machine - they're soooo cool!" Sometimes I would just let their words hang there and not respond. But my favorite was, when someone would say "but she's SUCH a pretty little girl" I should not let her get so dirty, I would earnestly reply, "but what if she's meant to become a marine biologist? I would never be able to live with myself if I thwarted her!"

So on it goes. If your kids seem happy with how you are raising them and you feel like you're doing what's right for them, that should be good enough. But people who are looking in and have the nerve to judge are very tiresome.

Our dd entered preschool at age 4 not really conversing (we had asked to have a speech therapist help her) but she could read anything in any book she was given.
She was reading the nursery rhymes that were tacked to the wall and other parents were talking about it! How do I know this? The director of the school called me into her office after exactly one month and told me. She seemed incredulous...I told her that our dd had been reading since she was about 2. She would read street signs, etc.
When we suspected that maybe she had memorized words we would give her a book and she would proceed to read that. She unlocked the code of reading early on. We always read to her and she started to "follow" the words with her finger.
She's extremely bright and her behavior reflects it, she's not like other children.
She's now in 5th grade and has had her share of "issues" through her school years.
She goes to a private Catholic school, no counselor (yet, but soon one will be hired). We've gotten phone calls every year for various behaviors....it's normal to us now.
Strap in, people HATE it when a child is different!
The frustrating part is that we don't have any of these behaviors of frustration at home, only manifests at school.....;(.
She's an only child.
Like bxylzy, our dd is an explorer, questions everything, gets really dirty, is hands on......she loves to learn!
It's a gift that keeps on giving.......and I think she's blessed!

nowwhat? I love that "strap in, people HATE it when a child is different!" She was reading in preschool and loved to help navigate on trips already, if I gave her the step-by-step and she could look for the correct exit signs, etc. She still loves to study maps ahead of time and chat about where she is every step of the way.

Incredulous, that's a good word. How dare that child learn to read without their help?! The one that escapes their control.

We don't have the behaviors at home either, though she has transition time from the moment she steps out the school doors for about 1 - 1.5 hours, depending upon what type of day she's had. then she's fine. Up at 5:45 a.m. singing and chatting when she doesn't have school. Has to be practically dragged downstairs on school days.

Well our DDs are lucky that their families think their blessed, I think it's really important no matter what happens. I run through puddles right with my DD, I can remember being young and loving how it feels.

Mr W (4y2m) is still exhausting to be around. Non stop monologue about things and millions of questions and cannot sit still. We have to be on our toes all the time and he can beat us at a number of games. And he thinks everything is a negotiating session. His will power is off the charts. LOL.

For his teachers, other adults, and most of his classmates, its culture shock for them to be around him. He is the cartoon Tasmanian Devil. Many would say he is not "mature" - when he is who he is - extremely energetic with a very active mind.

Yes that's my DD, worse from a conventional-society perspective that she's a girl, many times people said "she's just like a little boy" (so narrow-minded...not enough sugar and spice for you, huh??!) I was told "you haven't raised her to be fit to attend school". But in reality I am much more diligent, consisent, strict and plugged in than many parents - they are just lucky at this point at least that they have "wash and wear" or "dump and run" kids that require little maintenance.

It's so amazing what a dream child she can be when she is intellectually engaged. And in Kindergarten, having to painfully go over one letter per week when she'd been reading for a couple of years did not intellectually engage her...hmmm

Well said.


We're spending some time with my parents this week and my mom said after a few days. "I'm glad I got to see you and DS2. I thought I knew what you were talking about before, but now I really know what you mean."



Love this, my son is also a mud-explorer. My son is flying under the radar for now, but I'm saving all these thoughts of what I'm going to say because I know our day is coming soon. I hope I can work in "thwarted" sometime, what a great word.

Somerdai, it's so great that your mom said that, that must feel very validating.

If you haven't yet read some of Stephanie Tolan's writings regarding the gifted, here is a good one

http://www.eric.ed.gov/PDFS/ED321482.pdf

The word "thwarted" is cool, I might have subconsciously "lifted" it from this article. Anyway that's what you're doing to a child when you stand in between them and what the need to learn or who they need to be. For a parent and child, thwarting their need to learn, even if the general public (or family!) thinks they're too young etc., is very bad for your relationship and not good for their self-esteem. I didn't understand my DD's ferocious behavior when she was trying to learn to read and I wasn't answering her questions (thinking "she's too young, she'll be so bored in school") but now I do. I think I understand alot more about her whole person and wiring much better than then, and of course will have much more to learn.

I gave her what she wanted when I saw how crazy passionate she was, but I wish she didn't have to get so upset to get me there. She's always been my little leader, I'm always a little behind but now I try to keep pace.

I get this from school teachers, when I ask them to teach my child at school. Once it gets to that point you just have to laugh because it's so absurd. I have so far not said "so why can't she spend all day on the playground, then?", but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to.

It was nice to hear. Not sure if it's OT, but I wanted to say thanks for the link. I especially like her elephant illustration: "...gifted minds can consume large amounts of information in a single gulp, and they thrive on complexity. Giving these children simple bits of information is like feeding an elephant one blade of grass at a time--he will starve before he even realizes that anyone is trying to feed him."