amazedmom, your D sounds very much like mine at that age, although we did not have the hand flapping. We had the noise sensitivity (the garbage disposal was a big issue!), terrible temper, perfectionism in interaction with other, and eye contact issues. D (now 15) has not been formally diagnosed with Aspergers, but when we had some other testing done last year, the psychologist commented that if he tested her for Aspergers, he was fairly sure she would have it.
It has gotten gradually better over the years. The temper is under control (thankfully!). The period of 3-5 was probably the most challenging (so you are right in the thick of it)! Regarding teaching my child "manners" -- what is so obvious to me and others regarding how to interact with others is a complete mystery to my D. She has a hard time reading facial expressions (even when she does make eye contact), so can't tell how other people are reacting to her. I notice when we watch movies together that she often misunderstands the characters' motives and behaviors. She also hates crowds. Honestly, it resulted in her withdrawing into herself quite a bit for several years. She knows perfectly well that what seems like an appropriate reaction to her may seem rude or awkward to others. She has gradually built a pretty good "toolkit" and can function fairly well, but it was hard.
She goes to a K-12 liberal-arts type school (fairly small, about 60 kids per grade), so that consistency has helped her be more comfortable socially. Although she has a very high IQ, we have made a decision to forego a more accelerated academic environment to keep her in the environment that seems to be helping her develop those interaction skills and in which she is comfortable. And we have supplemented with summer programs (eg, Davidson THINK, maybe a science research program this summer). She is also doing some studying on her own (currently preparing for the USA Biology Olympiad test). I think now (and this is the first year I would say it) that she will be ready in all ways for college in a year or two.
