Hi Chrys,
My son who is now a senior in high school was given accelerated work in mid-school, and for the first few weeks the teachers made some mistakes about what did or did not come home. Once we all got into the rhythm of the school year's schedule, the kinks worked themselves out. Teachers today have fairly large classes in regular ed, and students who have special ed accommodations create a bit more chaos, and I learned that if I stayed chill and approached the teacher with a friendly "oops" tone, we stayed on the same team and didn't become adversarial.
When we have to fight so hard in the beginning to qualify for accommodations, the go-to-the-mattresses reaction can become instinct. But as a first reaction, it's usually detrimental - both to our relationship with the staff who interact with our child all day and to our child as well. It sounds like your daughter is very in tune with your reactions and wants to please you, and while that is good to a certain point, it will help her develop some traits of appropriate assertiveness if she feels she can come to you for advice and not be afraid of your reaction. What I learned to do when that lady inside my head was ranting and raving was to take a deep breath and then modulate my reaction to my son by asking questions about what he thought he should do about a situation rather than take over the problem.
Now as a senior, he is writing his own letters to heads of some of the university departments where he wants this year's mentorship through his gifted program in high school. He isn't waiting on his very nice but very disorganized teacher, he's being proactive. When he was in mid-school, I was convinced that the closest relationship he'd ever have to the words assertive or proactive would be on a spelling test, but by stepping back and coaching him through several years of mishaps as they arose, he's developed a sense of appropriate assertiveness that makes me feel better about his next steps into the adult world.
Hope this helps, and don't be too hard on yourself. It's a wee issue that will be forgotten in no time, but you sound like a great mom for being so introspective and for working so hard to make sure your daughter has the right services and help she needs to be challenged.
