I am somewhat worried that dd11 is hurting boys' feelings. Two of these boys were at least a year or so older than dd b/c she is young for grade due to a fall bd and a grade skip. She'll be an 8th grader in the fall and will turn 12 a few weeks after school starts. The age difference may be making a difference here b/c the boys are at a different place in terms of their interest. However, I do know other kids who are a grade below her who are "going out" with boys which seems to entail saying that said person is your boyfriend/girlfriend and not much else.What can I tell her to say to these boys that is likely to leave them not hurt but doesn't force her to "date" someone she doesn't want to?
I'm personally of the opinion that 'middle school dating' - as long as it doesn't involve more than kissing - is a really positive thing for the kids who are interested. I would encourage you to look at the project of dd11 learning to gracefully turn these boys down as part of the learning experience, and not make it too easy for her. If you can get her to talk about how it's going for her, what her options are, and how she does feel on the inside that would seem to be good. I dont' think the gradeskip has much of an impact here because there is so much variation between boys and girls at this age, and from one child to the next as well. Some of my girl friends were completely uninterested in boys until they were 16, and some started at age 8. I don't think that this is as much physically driven as how interest the child is in social status - particularly what you are describing. Apparently this has been studied and social status goes up when the children identify as a couple. So my guess is that dd11 is dashing the boy's hopes of social climbing more than their 'feelings.'
There is so much individual variation, and a variety of expectations from town to town, but I wouldn't nescessarily assume that 14 year old 8th grade boys are in such a 'different place in terms of their interests. I'd just try to keep posted on the norms of the group that she is swimming in. I was prepared for things to have changed so much between what I remember from High School and what my son has to face as a 13 year old 9th grader - but from what I've been able to sluth so far, things are reassuringly the same.
Good luck,
Grinity
