I am somewhat worried that dd11 is hurting boys' feelings. Over the course of the past year, she's had three boys who are interested in her and two of them have asked her to "go out" with them. One, in particular, apparently gave her a flower and tried to give her an inexpensive necklace, which she refused. She told him that she'd need to "ask her mother."

I don't know if she is just not interested in boys yet or just not interested in the ones who like her. I also don't need to have her "going out" with boys yet if she doesn't want to. I don't want her to hurt their feelings, however.

Two of these boys were at least a year or so older than dd b/c she is young for grade due to a fall bd and a grade skip. She'll be an 8th grader in the fall and will turn 12 a few weeks after school starts. The age difference may be making a difference here b/c the boys are at a different place in terms of their interest. However, I do know other kids who are a grade below her who are "going out" with boys which seems to entail saying that said person is your boyfriend/girlfriend and not much else.

What can I tell her to say to these boys that is likely to leave them not hurt but doesn't force her to "date" someone she doesn't want to?

I think blaming it on mom and/or dad is a good way to go.

I wish I knew what to tell you. My son has been experiencing something similiar I guess....

He is 8 but he had this girl he loved when he was 4 in PA. We are now in Virginia and the little girl isn't. Last year, one of the girls in his new school kissed him on the cheek and he came home in tears. He said that he already had a girlfriend. LOL.

I am not ready for him to have an interest in girls yet but he does and I guess I have to deal with that.

Just the same, I always tell him that he should tell the girls that his mom said he isn't allowed to have a girlfriend yet.

GZK - My DS6 has had the same girlfriend since he was 3. He's going to a new school next year, but still says the girl is his girlfriend.

I love the loyalty but I sort of want him to move on. Chances are, he won't be seeing this girl again for a VERY long time lol. It's so cute though. He even bought her a ring out of a bubble gum machine and "married" her before we left.

I imagine he will when he meets the next Ms. Right.

I'm personally of the opinion that 'middle school dating' - as long as it doesn't involve more than kissing - is a really positive thing for the kids who are interested. I would encourage you to look at the project of dd11 learning to gracefully turn these boys down as part of the learning experience, and not make it too easy for her. If you can get her to talk about how it's going for her, what her options are, and how she does feel on the inside that would seem to be good. I dont' think the gradeskip has much of an impact here because there is so much variation between boys and girls at this age, and from one child to the next as well. Some of my girl friends were completely uninterested in boys until they were 16, and some started at age 8. I don't think that this is as much physically driven as how interest the child is in social status - particularly what you are describing. Apparently this has been studied and social status goes up when the children identify as a couple. So my guess is that dd11 is dashing the boy's hopes of social climbing more than their 'feelings.'

There is so much individual variation, and a variety of expectations from town to town, but I wouldn't nescessarily assume that 14 year old 8th grade boys are in such a 'different place in terms of their interests. I'd just try to keep posted on the norms of the group that she is swimming in. I was prepared for things to have changed so much between what I remember from High School and what my son has to face as a 13 year old 9th grader - but from what I've been able to sluth so far, things are reassuringly the same.

Good luck,
Grinity

I would look at it from a different direction - do you want your daughter to feel obligated to accept male attentions because it's what *they* want? I'm sure the boy's intention was sweet, but by adult standards it's inappropriate to give a gift to a woman you don't have a relationship with.

It sounds to me as though your daughter is handling it beautifully. I would be wary ot setting her up to be susceptible to emotional blackmail. The boys' feelings are not her problem. She is obligated to be polite and respectful, period.

I agree completely with this as well. JaneSmith makes a VERY good point about where your daughters obligations should lie.

I totally agree as well! Those kind of skills will serve her well down the line.

Every family handles this differently, of course. I have 2 Ds (15 & 20). We told them that we prefer that they don't date outside of a group setting until they are 16. Although D20 did have a boy ask her to dinner at his house once at 15 (he lived with his grandparents, so that was okay). Worked out okay for both of them, as neither met anyone they really wanted to "date" prior to that anyway. They sometimes used it as an excuse when they didn't want to go out with someone, too. Hasn't seemed to cause any relationship issues, D20 has a fabulous BF she met in college.

I agree

Absolutely, I agree too.

Hi Cricket,

I agree that your job is to help your daughter decline attention she finds unsuitable in a direct, firm, graceful and respectful way, but that is really it. I had an older sister who relished such attention by her early teens. I, on the other hand, really was not interested in boys much until later in high school - but I never was comfortable expressing my lack of interest, and found myself in all sorts of situations that felt very uncomfortable, simply because I couldn't assert my feelings in a clear way. I think my mom assumed that b/c my older sibling was fine with it, I was too. It took me well into college to learn to be direct about my feelings anytime I felt there was an inequity in the depth of feelings - and I wish I had learned this skill much earlier.

Good luck - Cat

I will probably be alone but I *strongly* discourage such affections, dating and sweetheart gifts at the tender age of 11. I would simply have her say she is not interested and that her parents discourage this.

Having seen 6th grade endless saga of social dramas through the eyes of my bewildered 11 yr old DD this year, we are both glad to not be involved in any of it. Group activities are our preferred choice.

Thanks for all of your replies. I guess that I just need to get her to be more direct in that I could see a boy still having his hopes up if she says that she needs to ask her mom and then never tells him anything further. A straight "no," while hard is probably better.

I'm only speaking about me and my experience. I don't know you or your daughter, so please do not take anything I am saying personally.

When I was a young girl, and boys started to ask me out, my mother emphasized to me that I should not hurt boys feelings. I feel that in my case, this was a huge problem, because it put me in a lot of awkward situations where I spent more time worrying about the boys feelings than honoring my own feelings.

I think that you setting a rule like INTparent makes it easier for her to say no AND easier on the boys feelings. I always hated hurting people's feelings and as a young teen would either sacrifice my feelings or be cruelly dismissive - it would have been nice to "blame it on my parents." :-)

Breakaway

I find that very sad! There's a difference between using a gift to express affection and trying to use it to buy affection. Is there really anything wrong with the former?

By the way, Jane, I agreed with the rest of your comment...this bit just struck me in an odd way.