Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Help with infant tantrums, please!

I'm wondering what, exactly, it is that she wants when she is trying to get things 'her way.'

I do agree that those frantic environment changes to try to jiggle a child out of a tantrum are ok in the beginning, but are sort of unsatisfying.

When my DS13 was a baby, I firmly believed that everyone, child and adult, needed to cry, tremble, laugh and thrash while keeping in mind both their overall goodness and power AND their current frustrations. I was experienced enough, that while my son cried, after I checked his diaper, and mentally checked about when the last time he ate was, I'd quietly 'be' with him while he cried. I'd gently talk to him about what I thought might be going on. I might be worth a try to see if that feels satisfying to your family. I will say that lots of babies cry louder and more intensely when you pay attention to them in that way, so that people generally think that the baby doesn't like what you are doing. I tend to look at how the person feels afterwards to judge if I think I had been useful.

So if you remain calm, and pay attention during the 'show' but your rules remain intact ((Yes, she may scream, but no she may not put her finger in the electric socket)) then the only possible manipulation gain she might get from her tantrum is your attention. And if you are giving her tons of attention when she is being her wonderful regular self then I might hope that the habit of manipulation might not form. I loved Master of None's Advice for paying attention to a non-tantruming gifted child, and did lots of that sort of thing. I would print that one out and bring it up at your next family meeting.

Walking away during the tantrums is that alternative, and might be what's needed if attention is indeed what she is after.

See:


I find this so sad, but at least good to know that there are lots of behaviors that look alike on the surface, but different underneath.

Some kids actually do get 'hooked' on the negative energy that they get from acting out in some way - see All Children Flourishing below.

Since those days, I've kept my eyes open for parenting advice that seems appealing. 2 books that seem tremendously appealing, but my son was 'too old' to try them when I read them were:

Raising a Thinking Child: Help Your Young Child
by Myrna Shure, Theresa Foy DiGeronimo

Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby by Tracy Hogg
(I haven't read her books that are aimed at toddlers, but her book for newborns spoke to me)

For a lighter approach, I think it's worth trying to read:
The Girlfriends' Guide to Surviving the First� (Paperback)
by Vicki Iovine
It's written from the Mom's point of view, which makes it, I think, especially valuable to a dad, as having to work together to figure out this stressful stuff is probably more important than which techniques you eventually decide on. Just don't assume that your actual wife is going through what is described.

A book that I found really helpful when DS13 was too young to understand the 'whys' is -

Don't Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training (Paperback)
~ Karen Pryor

I used it to 'break' him of him of throwing his sippy cup during dinner. It worked without any yelling or grumpiness. Certainly you be given a lot of parenting advice that is based on the ideas of Behaviorism, but the people giving the advice are usually not really smart enough to understand the principles deeply, so their advice ends up being mistaken. With this book you can see right through the differences between actual Behaviorist theory and the Pseudo-science. On a deep level, Behaviorism is all about communicating with creature who do not use words. In fact, even we adults, who use words quite well, are usually sending a ton of metamessages nonverbally at the same time, and I would suggest that it is the metamessages that are doing the work, not the words themselves.

Ex: When you were in high school, your girlfriend might have said that she loved you more than life itself (words) but her behavior might have sent an entirely different message. I'm hoping you were watching the behavior, not the words, yet?

I also love the book: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families by Stephen R. Covey
and recommend it for when your are feeling less 'in crisis.'

My kid did, I feel, get hooked on attention, and was totally willing to act out to get that attention, so the approach I'm currently using is:
All Children Flourishing - Igniting the Greatness of Our Children
~ Howard Glasser with Melissa Block

I've been playing with the ideas for about a year, and just wish I had found it much much earlier. I think that this approach, which aims at children who are 'intense,sensitive, and needy' is the first discipline book that doesn't backfire on my son. I think that this book has real potential for gifted children with overintensities. There are plenty of great books about understanding the overintensities - your own and your child's, but very few that tell you how to work with these kids to grow their inner resources so that they don't have to live their lives running away from their triggers. Of course you want to remove triggers when the child if very young, like yours, but in the long term, you want the child to grow large enough on the inside to be able to handle those tight spots that you know life will hand them.

Speaking of the environment - a beautiful calm environment is a really beautiful gift that you can give your family. Flylady.net is filled with funny, friendly advice on creating the physical space to give your family the most calm possible.
It's written as though it's aimed at the Mother of the home, but with a little imagination I'm sure you can figure out what babystep is within your area of influence and take that.

I'm going to assume that you and your wife are also gifted. That isn't always true, but it very often is. So I'm going to further assume that you each have your own baggage about what growing up gifted meant to each of you. So much is the same, and yet so much is different. She might have gone to a gifted school were she was solidly in the middle of the pack and from her perspective, she is no different than most people. You might have languished in the corner. Or vice versa. Lots of gifted people don't feel smart for various reasons (LOL, often one of the siblings is identified as the smart one!) One thing for sure - it's likely that both you and your wife will have very strong ideas and feeling about how to raise your daughter. I would say that how well you work together is key.

It's a lovely journey - welcome aboard!

Grinity