First of all, thank you all VERY much for the helpful responses, and so quickly, too!
I feel I might've come across as insensitive or harsh in my first post. I want to stress that I absolutely DO NOT mean to be so, and I try my best to be as understanding and sensitive to her as I can be.
The quick response was because I was "busy" trying to avoid work.
You don't sound that way at all, btw. Also, I'm sorry if anything in my post made it come off like that because that was definitely not my intention! I'm also a first time mom and trust me, there is soooo much to learn. It's a steep curve and, sure, there are some regrets that I already have but there are a number of first children who turn out wonderfully so I try to focus on that instead.
That is, after all, why I'm here! Plus, she has an advantage: I, myself, was a "gifted" child; my mother never knew what to do with me, and I feel I missed out on quite a lot as a result. I'm trying really, really hard not to make similar mistakes with my own child. Perhaps I'm being TOO careful sometimes, but again, that's why I'm here trying to work things out.
To newmom21c: I agree with the idea of prevention. My daughter, at 6 months, was aware of and afraid of shadows - ours and her own. We took proactive steps to ensure that she avoided having to see them or, at other times, trying to express that they weren't scary. Since then, she's come to accept shadows as normal, and doesn't seem to be frightened any longer.
As for the time-out situation: It was simply a last-ditch effort by totally lost first-time parents to deal with an ostensibly volatile situation. We have discovered ourselves that it's clearly not the best method of dealing with these issues, and we've stopped attempting it.
"don't put age expectations on her" - This one's going to be a really tough one, but not for the reason one might expect. I'm sure I don't have to tell all of you, but it's already been hard feeling obligated to explain to others why we're doing things differently with her than they did with their children. People around you, especially relatives, have that expectation that "their way is the right way," and since we seem to be deviating from their ideas of "normal," it's caused heartache already. It's going to take serious adjustment by myself and my wife. We're not the most "mainstream" folks to begin with, though, so we'll pull through.
Unfortunately, outside comments and suggestions are just part of the parenthood that can't be prevented. We're also not very mainstream (we do attachment parenting and tend to live more environmentally consciously than most). We've gotten some horrible and dangerous advice from well meaning family members (some who are actually in the medical profession!). We just smile and nod and go on with our lives. If it's good advice I'll listen, if it's bad DH gets to hear me complain a bit but then I drop and try and appreciate that the person cared about us enough to be concerned at least.
About the different between tantrums/communication/spoiling. I try and think about this from a perspective of people I know. I don't have a single friend who came from an environment where their parents were always loving and attentive that turned out spoiled or selfish. I DO have friends who came from an environment where parents used material objects to replace parental attention and they DID turn out spoiled. I have also soon parents who deliberately prevented their child from growing up due to their own personal needs for attention (for instance, holding back a child who clearly is looking for independence) with bad consequences.
However, all my friends who came from loving backgrounds and their parents showered them with attention grew up to be wonderful, intelligent, and thoughtful adults. I think when you see spoiled children who overuse tantrums to get what they want they are much, much older and also there's more going on there than just parents who were looking to communicate with the child (e.g. that girl on Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory).
