Unfortunately this all happened at my in-laws yesterday and my mother in law kept saying "but she's so great with ME" and "she needs a strong hand", etc etc.irene
Hi Irene -
I'm so glad that you are sharing your frustration with us here! Go Irene!
I was just reading in 'The Explosive Child' page 143
For many folks, "Hold the child accountable" is code of "punishment." Many people believe that if the consequences a child has already recieived for his explosions haven't caused him to stop exploding, it must be because the punishments didn't cause the child enough pain. So they add more pain. The majority of explosive kids have had more pain than most people experience in a lifetime. If pain was going to work, it would have worked a long time ago. And you now know the things reward and punishment programs do well: They teach basic lessons well and they motivate well. It is the premise of this book that your child already knows you don't want him to explode and is already motivated not to explode. Mission accomplished. The notion that the only thing these kids is a good kick in the butt is simply wrong and doesn't do justice to the diverse mechanisms that may underlie a child's difficulties. Indeed, a lot of the so-called explainations for their behavior are simple cliches that have little meaning one you think about them a while:
I like that Ross Greene's book about 'easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children' goes out of it's way to remove 'parental blame' from the equation. I'm horrified at the 'brand new ideas' that are introduced as reccomendations. LOL - I've been doing all that and my kid is still easily frustrated and chronically inflexible! What if I had been doing ordinary parenting all this time....gulp! Although I must admit that over the years and epecially since his grade skip, and this summer's camps, and my new found love for energyparenting.com /'Transforming the Difficult Child', he is more flexible and more frustration-tolerant. Just don't try to compare him to kids on TV, ok?
What parenting books have you been reading and trying out so far?
Have any of them help at all?
Do you have any clue why or why not?
There were days in years past when I swore that DS13 was so oppositionaly that if DH has said: 'Would you like a hundred dollars?' DS would have said: 'NO!'
For my son, his hot-button issue is that he wants to be treated with respect. The early elementary years were a nightmare, as he couldn't fathom why all the school adults treated the kids 'like babies.'
We also have that 'I'm nervous so he gets nervous and acts out' thing going. Lately I've been trying to take deep breaths - something that always sounded pathetic to me, but even if the extra oxygen isn't helping, it's a great way to 'Don't just do something, sit there!'
Sorry about the whole 'new clothing' mess. Keep in touch and let us know if you can find any victories, ok?
Love and More Love,
Grinity
