we are dealing with a master manipulator, who knows just how far to push ( no pun intended) without getting in trouble.
DS12 had one of these boys in his life last year - a major reason that we changed schools was that the school's resoponse was that DS should 'practice being the bigger man.'
There's one difference between (one) private school and our public school. Our public school had a bully-prevention policy, and came around to each classroom to teach the children that if you act as an audience for a bully - then you are responsible. Wow! Our Middle School has any anonymous email link were anyone can report bullying - without being named.
Here are some ideas -
1) Tell. then ask for a anti-bully program to be presented to the whole class without naming any names, encouraging the kids to stick up for each other.
2) Practice the fine art of body language. Have good natured'hairy eyeball' contests at your house. Everyone has to know how to make 'impressive' body language.
3) Talk to the teacher and see if they can institute a 'physical seperation' policy, where the kids are basically not allowed within 10 feet of each other. This is so much more workable than trying to catch a suble kid in the act.
4) Here's some advice from a friend, that DS12 wanted nothing to do with, but maybe it will work for your son:
When the kid pushes or does something your son doesn't like, your son can use a very loud voice and say: "Hey - Stop Pushing Me!" or "Hey - that's mean talk. I don't like mean talk."
This gives the teacher a chance to come over and say to your son, "No yelling in the classroom, use an inside voice." which 'proves' that your son isn't tattling (since he got 'spoken' to) but it may scare the bully, and will certianly raise the awareness of the teacher. You son has stated his opinion forcefully and not resorted to physical violence- which is good, even if he 'get's in trouble' for yelling.
Prepare your son for the teacher correcting him, as he needs to turn his body language submissive and say: "I'm very sorry teacher, I know I shouldn't loose control and yell." The trick is that he doesn't plead his case here, so he can't get in trouble with peers for tattling. If you prepare him that the teacher will be 'correcting him on the outside, but taking notes against the bully for the future on the inside' he might be able to pull this off.
Although my son didn't ever use this directly, he did something similar that makes me think that this might work. (Age 10, 6th grade, private school)
DS: Mom, A boy tattled on me for swearing today.
Me: What happened?
DS: Well, the boy threw a rock that went 2 inches from my eye. I was just standing by the wall.
Me: Oh? (trying not to freak out entirely)
DS: I said the f-word. It just came out.
Me: I would have said a lot more than that!
DS: So then the boy goes running to the teacher, 'Teacher, he said the F-word!' So the teacher asked what happened, and I told about the rock, and that was that.
Me: He told on you for swearing? After he threw a rock at your eye? That is so weird!
DS: yeah.
So the next time someone sayed that my kid is too immature to be gradeskipped, I said a little prayer of gratitude that my baby has both his eyeballs. Of course one major motivation (sad to say) for parents to shell out the big bucks for private school is for kids who are a bit too immature for public school.
Actually, I wonder if teaching your son to swear isn't an good idea. If yelling seems too babyish, perhaps a few well practiced phrases will get everyone's attention with only a minimum of cost. It's a lot easier to give the 'hairy eyeball' if one is saying 'Get you ####ing hands off of me, you #####.' Much much better than punching.
Love and More Love,
Grinity
