No, J, I was actually hoping that you might respond, and I think your post is really thoughtful as well as thought-provoking.
When you write about protecting your kids from themselves as they grow up, I really know what you mean. As I read that passage, it also struck me that there's a lot of potential for depression and self-loathing and self-destructive behavior inherent in their situation. Most parents don't have to worry about those things in their young children! But we do. More protecting to do...
Friday night, I had my monthly girls' night out dinner. I got into a heated discussion with a former teacher and parent to two bright but not gifted kids. She argued that I shouldn't be home schooling (as if the decision weren't already made!). Along the way, she asked, "So his teacher isn't challenging him. So what? What's going to happen that's so bad if you leave him in school until he gets to the enrichment that starts in 3rd grade?"
I found myself almost speechless with disbelief. Two years without learning anything? Two years of boredom? Two years of acting out and feeling angry and frustrated? Two years to learn to disrespect authority because authority clearly doesn't respect him? And even if he makes it until 3rd grade with no help for his special needs without totally shutting down, is the little bit of enrichment he'd get that year going to be enough for him? (It's not!) So what then? I just didn't know where to begin to respond!
Those were the things I feared when he was in the public schools, so we left the public schools. Problem solved, right? Ha! Of course not! Now that we've begun home schooling, I just fear different things.
DS had a meltdown yesterday because his football coach yelled at him. (Not in a demeaning way; just in a loud "Get over there" kind of way.) Like the perfectionist he is, DS was really upset that his coach would yell at him. We're not coddlers, and we have never had patience with tantrums of any sort. DH and I told DS that the coach yells at all the kids sometimes, that the best thing to do is to hop to it, etc. At the end of the game, the coach came over and apologized, saying, "I didn't realize he was that sensitive."
Ouch!
Is DS too sensitive? I never thought of him that way before. If he is, is that somehow my doing? Or is that his natural way of being, and maybe it just means that football isn't his game? Is "sensitive" something to fear or to celebrate? Maybe football should be good for him because it might toughen him up in a good way? Or was he just touchy because DH hadn't given him enough breakfast, and DS was having low blood sugar mood swings?
I don't know! Great googly-moogly, I don't know!
It does seem like the decisions we make with gifted kids just resonate so much more broadly, maybe because gifted kids tend to react so much more dramatically to their surroundings. Small changes get amplified or something...
And I think you're right on about wishing it were easier--feeling that it SHOULD be easier, darn it! And grieving is the right word for that. It's like we have to grieve for the school system we wished for but that never came. The disappointment is horrible, and it signals to us that we have lots of work to do on our own that other parents don't have to do.
Along those lines, I think another part of the problem is that if you talk about your gifted kids--even about the problems you're having!--people think you're bragging or doing the "competitive parenting" thing. It's very hard to find people to talk with, commiserate with. I've found this forum to be very soothing in that way, since everyone here knows that we're not bragging...more likely we are complaining! And everyone here will understand, and perhaps even identify with our complaints! There's relief in that.
My mom always said, "It's nice to be smart, but it's smart to be nice." I thought that was one of the best bits of wisdom she could have passed on to me. I've tried to live it, and I've said it to my own kids. I hope it's having the desired effect for all of us! Our kids ARE nice kids. Like your kids, they are learning to be decent and caring people. They are people I like to be around--and not in a smothering kind of way--and they're kids that other people like to be around, too. Those facts give me hope.
We do the best we can, don't we? And then we expect them to blame us for whatever went wrong anyway! It just seems like things can go so much MORE wrong with GT kids! More blame for us, I guess...
Thanks again for your response, J. It helped me as I wrestle with all this weighty stuff.
K-
