Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Why don't people like me?

Hi GiftedOne,
I don’t post here very often. In fact, it has been years…but I still read regularly, and wanted to say hello, and offer what encouragement I can.

For starters, I empathize with how lonely you must feel. I have had my own difficulties forming friendships over the years, for my own unique reasons, mostly social anxiety and avoidance on my part. And for years, I thought there was something wrong with me. I am just now, in fact, finding the courage to take more risks socially and reach out to people—and have found success really depends heavily on not only the people I choose to try this with (I have little to no success with comfortably “mainstream” folks, who think I’m weird; oddballs and fringe dwellers are more interesting, plus forgiving), but also how many times I try with lots of different kinds of people. You sound like you’ve tried a lot, and are suffering for it, and I am so, so sorry. But I am certain your “tribe” is out there, and you are certainly worthwhile. They are probably just invisible to you, some perhaps having suffered similarly, maybe reluctant to show themselves.

For example, I would try very little before, hit a few “failures”, and take every disinterested party’s reaction instantly to heart as a sign of rejection by all of humanity. When in fact, I have since realized, I was mostly giving up too soon (I don’t mean with the same individuals, I mean in attempting with many different kinds of people so as to increase the likelihood of a success) plus being so over-subtle, despite thinking I was being obvious, tthat they thought I wasn’t interested in them!

As another example, one autistic person I know who is excellent at “masking” told me that she believes herself to have the “uncanny valley” effect on neurotypical folks, and I’ve seen it in action. People sometimes don’t like her from the moment she walks into a room, and it’s baffling really, she’s a lovely person with great social skills. She said she thinks people can simply intuit she’s not quite “right”, and so they feel an automatic sense of almost revulsion toward her.

My point being that there are all kinds of reasons people might reject us, often having to do with themselves. Sometimes it really is us, and we need to introspect and study our own social habits. When not finding success connecting with a particular person or group it’s also ok to just chalk that one up to experience and move on. I know it’s easier said than done, believe me, but success is often just around the next corner. And you are absolutely worthwhile and profoundly unique, as we all are. Please don’t give up.