Sending lots of hugs, greenlotus! We all want nothing more than to make our kids happy and see them thrive, and it can be so hard to see the obstacle pile in front of them seem to just keep growing. Labels, however - even if just in our own heads - can actually be a powerful reducer of obstacles if used constructively.
As it turns out, my own DS seems to be slowly but steadily outgrowing a lot of ASD-ish characteristics over the last year. However, as eco and others suggest, looking at his challenging behaviours through an ASD lens has been really helpful. Whether he is technically diagnosable or not, the behaviours were there and he needed help. I had to put a lot of effort into making myself explicitly respond to many more things as "can't", not "won't". And then react with "how I I teach him how to do this, and support him in the meantime?" rather than seeing behaviour as deliberate and therefore requiring discipline - or just the dreaded You Must Try Harder.
It really, really changed the way I see things, and therefore the way I respond to what can look like - but actually isn't - rudeness, defiance, ignoring me and other not-OK behaviours. And it's made a huge difference - in my sanity, as well as in my ability to help DS grow. Using an ASD lens and starting with a default assumption of "can't" not "won't" has also been quite helpful with a variety of DD9 challenges (and actually rather illuminating with DH - though he seems less likely to be growing out of any of it
).
On a different note, I have two kids with some notable social challenges (apple? tree? eep). DS is extremely shy, socially anxious, but seriously extroverted - he always wants other kids around (if if he doesn't quite know what to do with them). DD, in contrast, is not even slightly shy, will happily start up a conversation with complete strangers, eagerly visits anyone, anywhere - but is deeply introverted, exhausted by people, and needs major recharge time. While we tend to equate introverted with shy, I am really learning how big the difference is!
