Thank you so much everyone! I'm so happy to have a group of people who get it. The exhaustion of constantly battling and knowing you don't have the option of quitting. The drive to find some way to make if better while simultaneously knowing their brains should see them through. Realizing no one (except the folks here) can really understand what you - or your child - is dealing with. The constant researching and advocating and explaining. Yes I have a right to feel exhausted...
I had an hour plus phone conversation today with a RL friend who is on her own 2E journey. We have known each other since our kids were babies and have been on this journey together. She knew DD as that dazzling one year old, the anxiety ridden first grader, the special Ed kid fighting her way through it all. She kicked me in the derrière and insisted that I take a good hard look at how far DD has come. How well she is doing. What a happy, optimistic kid she is and how comfortable she is in her own skin. Not an easy feat for any 11 year old and really quite remarkable for a kid with the list of challenges she has faced. My friend told me that of course I'm looking for the next fight - I've been in fight or flight mode for years but without the option for flight. She pointed out we all have these types of days occasionally and today was my day. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and keep on going. So if any of you kind souls who took the time to respond find yourself having one of those days please know you are not alone.
After this conversation I headed down to DD's school for a parent/teacher conference. 3 teachers sat there literally giddy with excitement about working with DD. Giddy! And no DD is not decoding at grade level - she is now ABOVE grade level. I couldn't believe it. Since reading teacher and teacher doing the math intervention are both trained in Lindamood Bell they decided to introduce 6th grade reading a sentence at a time. I was shocked. When I asked DD about this she said "I had no idea it was a big deal..."
So yes I have raised an amazing kid. Yes she is resilient. She has a strength inside herself I can barely wrap my head around. Most days I remember that and am in awe of her and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be her mom. I recognize she has benefitted enormously from my giving it my all and many, many kids are not as fortunate. Intellectually I know I should avoid the what ifs and comparisons and the looking into the future. Some days I just can't avoid it. That's when I come here and seek help from all you wise souls who are on a similar journey. With DD turning 11 and entering puberty I have been smacked in the face with the reality that this has been her childhood - this is what she got. We have tried really hard to do as much fun, normal kid stuff as we can. (OK even some over the top stuff like the recent Hogwarts letter and Harry Potter party with 22 kids in attendance...) But the sobering reality is her childhood has revolved in large part around her challenges. That's the reality and I have to accept it...
After the PT conference we went to lunch at a favorite restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. I allowed myself to be in awe of my DD. I allowed myself the luxury of self indulgence and patting myself on the back knowing that she is doing this well because I have fought tooth and nail to get her what she needs, she has worked her rear end off, we have had a number of people really throw themselves into finding ways to get her what she needs. It has taken a village. And everything she has overcome - from the awful interdistrict magnet to the horrible principal to the people who label her as the special Ed kid who just be happy to be allowed to participate - have given her strength and resourcefulness.
I hadn't even thought of the physiological aspect of feeling so drained after the long fight so thanks to all who mentioned that. I do in some ways feel like a boxer who has just gone 10 rounds. I will have to make it a point to start taking 30 minute walks, outdoors at least 3-4 times a week. Sunshine, fresh air and excercise while listening to a novel on audiobook. Simple, doable and so very necessary.
Thanks again to each and every one of you. The pep talks worked. My fears and concerns haven't gone away but you helped me alter my perspective. That's huge.
