I don't see the process as "backing off," as much as taking advantages of opportunities. When my son had just turned ten, I was sure that a private school was needed, he got to visit and choose amoung three that I was willing for him to go to. I made the spreadsheet of pluses and minuses, but if her were older, I would have had him make the spreadsheet. In a way, I feel uncomfortable being percieved as a mom who let her ten year old choose which school, it sound too weird to me, on the face of it. But he was going to have to put up with the negatives and take advantage of the positives, and afterall, his giftedness is in exactly this area of understanding. We had many wonderful conversations, and in the end, choose a school that I wouldn't have chosen, but that I was confident would be an improvement over the public school. It turned out that the school is an excellent place for him to be, and I have been able to have a whole new life as someone who doesn't spend all her time fretting.
I think this is a good example of looking for situations where the child gets to pick between 2 or 3 acceptable choices, and then learn about their consequences. Each time he makes a choice I learn a lot about how far to trust him in this way. spending Money is a classis way to learn about decision making.
One of the things I like best about my DS10 is that we can talk about his feelings and he is willing to admit the "less desirable" motivations, at least when we are alone together. He can say things like: "I want to have a Nintendo Wii 20% because it will impress other kids, but 60% because it will be fun, and 20% for the fitness training." How many people can own up to the effect of social pressure on their desires?
BTW - Some children have disabilities so that they will never be independent in the commonly understood way. Including some Gifted Children.
Off topic -
I think that there is a bit of a double standard in place with young adults and independence - many people marry someone with whom they can divide up responsibilities based on their strengths, but we expect unmarried young adults to "do it all" and "do it on their own." Seems a bit odd to me that this is the only group for which the expectation is that they will handle every department of their life.
Love and More Love,
Trinity
