No time to reply really eco, but fwiw, I've found that we see this same type of reaction with our ds' teachers and counselors whenever we try to report something not being followed in the 504/IEP/whatever. Rather than address our question, we get immediate bounce-back re something that is allegedly our ds not living up to something-or-other. Re that - you have to let it not throw you off. Keep the issue that is the true issue at the forefront of *your* communication with the school. If they say other things are going on, ask for details or respond briefly as appropriate, but don't let them use that to get past the actual issue.
Re the spider - my advice to your ds is to tell all his classmates at once (in a voice that can be heard) "Look! There's a cool spider by my desk that looks like a Brown Recluse!" I'm guessing you'd then have 1/2 the class screaming and running from the classroom, and the other 1/2 jumping up to immediately check out the spider. No one would be listening to the teacher or care what she had to say. That might serve as a life lesson for the teacher that spiders are, in fact, a big deal to most kids your ds' age!
Best wishes,
polarbear
