Hi, ElizabethN--
It won't always be this confusing. And the outcomes for gifted kids with ASD can be excellent-- so you need not consider the ASD as a damper on any dreams.
Rather, I'd consider it a determining factor in setting priorities for your DS's learning in the near and medium term.
Our experience with DS now 12 was that early elementary school was very hard-- we were remediating social skills and behavior like crazy, while constantly solving problems with school-- but things got steadily easier as those skills got better. Now, at 12, the giftedness is more determining of his educational needs than the ASD is. Those hard investments pay off.
I will second the recommendation of ABA. A good practitioner makes a completely individual program: that is, it will target the specific skills your child needs to develop. Ours taught us how to be the parents DS needed, and worked very hard to get school on board with what was needed as well.
Medication can be an important component for some people: medicating for anxiety, or attention, or both, can seriously improve the situation. We use a specialist, a developmental pediatrician, for meds and all medical stuff related to the ASD.
You can feel free to PM (or search my past copious posts...). You're not alone.
DeeDee
