Aufilia, the experience of having an undiagnosed/in-denial Aspie as a partner is a form of nightmare no one but the ones who've gone through can understand. And there is so little understanding or support for the partners (mostly women). I have nothing against people with AS but I am glad you're not with the person anymore.
After learning about giftedness though, I am pretty certain my husband does not only have AS but also is gifted. I am in a FB support group for women like me, and our experiences are as if we share the same carbon copies. He covers most Asperger's traits, but there are certain few things that don't fit. I wondered if it was ADD, but it fits better as gifted traits. He is very inspired and always on the go, has deep empathy (which is trapped inside and tortures him), humble, and strangely charismatic to those around him, which is really not very typical of Asperger's. But he is like a vacuum of negative, completely unintentionally. I really wanted to be his support, because he is a brilliant genius, just trapped. I stayed patient and believed in him, until I was lost and just allowing him to abuse. When I finally started speaking up for myself, offering that we go to counsellings, etc. He registered it as an attack. He accused me of things that were creepily exactly what he was doing to me. It was so terrifying, because he mirrored his own behaviours perfectly onto me, and completely believed it was my behaviours. It was like... a horrible dream I cannot wake up from. He also convinced psychiatric professionals that I was mentally unstable and he was looking for a way to help me, just like how I tried to find the right people who could help him with a proper diagnosis of Asperger's and we could get a counsellor specifically for AS couples. But they don't believe you when you are a woman and wanting to help him, but they do when you are a man and describing his wife as mental (I don't even feel comfortable making that sweeping statement). They believed him without even meeting me. They told him that I sound like I have a personality disorder. One therapist even told him to put me in a mental asylum. But he would only go to a psychologist or therapist once, get their opinions and base his judgements on what they said. I have my own fixed therapist who thinks I am quite rational and just needs to get over some anxiety issues. I also didn't get the chance to improve my German too consumed and imprisoned to the life with him (7 years). So it's hard to defend myself and find support. I did try to reach out, but it has been utterly disappointing. He watched me transform from an optimistic social person to a broken, fearful wreck, and he feels so sorry for me and wants to help me. He is absolutely convinced that I was born with some kind of mental defect, and he pities me for my problems. He is now trying to harden his heart and cut me down, because apparently I am refusing his willingness to support me and emotionally abusing him. It is so sick and twisted, I couldn't even cry if I wanted to. I threw my life and soul away for this person, believing I could help his brilliance shine. Looking back I could beat myself for not quitting earlier, but some women go through this for 30-40 years. I've heard so many horror stories much worse than mine. It is devastating.
Anyway... I could write a whole fat novel on what I went through with him, and still going through. But this isn't an AS forum, so... Yea, I am pretty scarred from this whole experience. I heard a higher percentage of gifted women end up trapped in relationships with men with Asperger's Syndrome, because they empathise and work hard on adjusting themselves. Better hopes for the younger generations, who can get assessed and receive proper support from early on in their lives. Ours is a little bit of a lost generation with AS.
I looked up imposter syndrome. It does indeed sound like what I'm doing. I'll bring it up to discuss with my therapist. Thank you!
M2iChances, I would be curious to have an evaluation done, but I have no idea where I can do it, or if it's even available here in Germany. My German is elementary and I won't get far with it. Life with an Aspie person can really isolate their partners, and that's exactly what happened to me. I have no resources, no one to ask or get help from. A very lonely place now. I need to figure out a way to get out off this situation. But I have a decent therapist, so I can discuss this with him when I meet him this week. He doesn't really put a whole lot of weight on psychoanalysis though. He thinks I just got to "do" and overcome my anxieties, and figure things out along the way. Oh well, he's a therapist and not a counsellor after all. I'll see how he'll take it.
