Hi all, I just joined. I tried to read some of the threads here but it kind of terrifies me, so I thought I better introduce myself before anything.
I am in my mid-30s, female, and just recently was suggested that I must be gifted. I had never heard of the term before. I was sceptical at first, but upon reading up on it, went through this bizarre sensation that I was reading my own biography written out by others. I've been trying to cope with the shock, and finally decided perhaps it might help to speak with other people like me... I've spoken with 2 other women who are also gifted (online), and we seem to have lots of things in common.
I don't know my IQ. I personally don't think it's very high... I have a slight dyscalculia, so early on I had already decided I don't invest much time studying mathematics. But see, I kind of associate high intelligence with genius mathematicians, so I feel stupider than clever about myself.
I was born in Asia, I will not disclose which country because I ran away as a teenager. The society was oppressive and I did not enjoy my life there. My family is broken, my mother has BPD/NPD and suffers from persecution delusions, and I suspect both her husband and my biological father have Asperger's Syndrome. They are not interested in me so I have no contact with them. I have no siblings and don't know any relatives. I lived in the US for a long time, and now live in Germany, in the process of a difficult split from my husband who has Asperger's Syndrome. This partnership on its own severely damaged and traumatised me, and I feel very crippled emotionally. I'm trying to get on the way of recovery.
It makes sense now, my whole life, if I am indeed "gifted". Teachers loathed me because apparently I broke the "harmony" in classrooms. I didn't understand why schools were so... un-stimulating, and reasoned that it was because I was not doing it right. Other kids mocked me because I was overtly compassionate towards animals and insects. I nearly dropped out of high school but was encouraged by a few teachers who seemed to understand that I was a little different, to at least graduate. I went to the best (so they say) art university in the US and received a scholarship recommended by all the professors. But I felt undeserving and waved it off. Throughout my adult life, despite people say I have some kind of charisma, a strong and fascinating personality, I got myself walked all over and used, like I had no core self. I'm not socially awkward though, but I've been told I intimidate people. All my life, I have suffered from this crippling conviction that I am doing everything wrong, and I am undeserving. Now that I have found out that I may be gifted, at first I was glad that it was probably the opposite, as I read, gifted people may tend to have humble opinions about themselves. But I am now obsessed with the idea that everyone else around me must also happened to be gifted, because I cannot be that "special".
I lived a pretty much "loser" life so far, mainly for 2 reasons. I cannot make myself believe that I'm good enough for jobs I would have (and don't know how to get these jobs), and I cannot seem to be able to keep jobs like retail and waiting tables. I receive social benefits and have gone into severe financial troubles due to my AS husband's inability to manage finance. I have a huge problem with this because I've always felt that the way my life took its course isn't what I am meant to be doing. But I am a very helpless person despite I feel that this isn't really who I am. I don't know how to do life. But I know that there is a place where I am supposed to excel more than anyone else, but I don't even know what that is.
Ok, well as you can see already, I write and talk a lot. I'll try to practice self-restraint now. I'm reeeeally weary of posting on forums because when I asked for info on local support for Asperger's, everyone jumped on me and accused me of blaming marriage problems onto my husband. I feel quite vulnerable so please be easy on me. Thanks for reading, and I hope it was a good decision to join here. I don't have formal test results to "prove" I am gifted.
