There are so many insightful responses , but one thing I wanted to add, is that "spirit" itself comes in different strengths and therefore, one's approach to discipline needs to be adjusted to the child. For instance, I have one child who takes things to heart and it takes a fairly mild correction for her to change her behavior, whereas my other child (the one I post about on here) is very strong willed and high spirited and often requires a different approach.
At one point, I veered too much towards a heavy hand with her because of her intensity and argumentativeness, but now realize that it wasn't that I needed to use more force, but that I needed to use more finesse.
For me, there is no question that discipline is in service to the child. Self control and an ability to see oneself as a part of the world, not the entire world, not only helps her but makes her social life easier.
I also agree that the extremes of permissiveness and authoritarianism in parenting are not healthy,but I am sure there are times I error too far in both directions. I am far from a perfect parent and look back and wish I had done many things differently, but my underlying motive has always been love and the intention to create well balanced children, and somehow, in spite of myself, my children have turned out to be polite, creative, confident, self controlled, highly likable kids.
