Hi Leahchris,
I don't think you should give up on school yet, but I do think you have some problem-solving to do. Most of the school folks obviously don't know yet how to support your DGS so that he can be successful. Job 1 is to get the IEP signed and working. Job 2 is to get the knowledge of what DGS needs spread around to all the teachers (incuding gym!) where it can be useful. This job can also be explicitly written into the IEP as mandatory teacher training.
Who's on your team so far, besides you? Any private therapy folks? Any educational advocate types?
My DS was extremely difficult to manage in kindergarten and first grade. Here is what we did. We got a home ABA therapy program going to work on compliance with instructions, handwriting, and other skills he found difficult. The person who ran that program also served as a professional interface with the school: he essentially helped the teachers to see what DS needed, and helped them meet DS's needs, in a very non-confrontational way that left me out of it.
We also had to hire an educational advocate; she came to all our IEP meetings and helped us negotiate for appropriate training for the teachers, appropriate services for DS, and helped the staff understand DS too. This wasn't really duplication of effort: the ABA therapist helped the school staff see the needs from a "here's how we work on this" point of view, while the advocate helped us write an IEP that was clear, measurable, legally binding, and maximally helpful.
It has been a journey to educate the teachers at our local elementary school, which has rarely served kids with autism before mine: some already "got it," some had to work hard to "get it," some realized a week in "whoa, this is more than I bargained for" and stepped up their game and became rock stars for DS. A few never got it, but after that year the principal stepped up and made sure that we haven't gotten any more of those. This community has really gotten on board to make things work for DS.
The initial IEP meeting was good, but only the principal and the school counselor seem to be taking any of the suggestions seriously. We don't have the formal written IEP yet, but I don't know if I can let my boy suffer while I wait on the school.
No, I don't think you should let him suffer, because the more anxious he gets, the worse his behavior will get.
I'd probably make a polite phone call to the principal tomorrow and explain it in the terms you used here. Along these lines: "DGS is having a rough time; I think he needs more direct instruction and support in complying with instructions and understanding complex social situations. A lot of what's going on around him isn't making sense to him, and he's really stressed out. How can we make this better for him?" Make sure the answer includes finishing the IEP, and teacher training. You should have input into the final IEP wording, and it should include direct instruction and support in the areas where he is weak.
When I spoke about homeschooling, the school said he needed the socialization. What if the "socialization" is too much for him. Is it doing him more harm than good?
At various points we have considered pulling our DS out of public school to homeschool, and we haven't done it. Our therapy team thinks, and we agree, that there is real value for a person with Asperger's in having to learn to follow the social rules that are a huge part of the school environment. Those rules are very like the arbitrary but important rules that happen in workplaces. Lots of adults with AS can't hold jobs because the arbitrary rules and social stuff drive them crazy, so learning to cope with that aspect of life is a crucial skill.
At age 10, after some years of therapy and IEPs, my DS is doing well; I'm glad we stuck it out, even though it was bumpy and difficult. Some families who have AS kids prefer to homeschool because it IS less stressful; there is no one answer.
DeeDee
