Your ds seems just a little young to be attending an SST meeting, but if you felt that he was mature enough to take part (without causing him undue anxiety) and (this is the BIG if).. you had a good understanding of where the school staff is coming from, what their agenda is, and how they will treat your ds in the meeting - then I'd consider having him attend. BUT in this situation, NO WAY! You and your dh need to go to the meeting, listen to what the school's concerns are, get a feeling re what they are thinking.

This is a link to an article that discusses children attending IEP meetings (note - this is slightly different than the meeting you're having - IEP meetings take place *after* a child has been determined eligible for IEP services, and yes, eventually students are asked to and expected to take part in their IEP meetings, but not typically until either middle school or high school (as far as I know). The meeting you are going to usually happens when a child is struggling - sometimes it's the first step in starting the process of seeing if a child is eligible for an IEP - but whatever happens at it, my gut feeling is that a first-time SST meeting when a child is having behavioral challenges at school carries too much potential for emotional risk to have the child attend. If the team (which includes you and your dh) decides *together* that they want to meet with your child then that's ok - provided you feel comfortable with what they plan to talk to your ds about and how they are going to approach it.

FWIW my ds12 has been through the IEP eligibility process for a learning disability, which I suspect would be a bit less emotionally charged than dealing with a teacher who has issues with behavior in the classroom - but even going through that there were many things that had to be said and discussed with the team that I wouldn't have wanted my ds to have to listen to - both the discussion of his disability (which he knows about but is sensitive about) as well as... quite honestly... the school staff occasionally bullied, played dumb and on a few occasions lied in order to try to get what they wanted - as an adult I am somewhat adept at putting that behavior into context, but it would not have done quite a bit of damage to the trust my ds had in the school staff, including his teacher, at the time.

Here's the link to the article: http://www.pacer.org/parent/php/PHP-c77.pdf

Have you tried looking for an advocate? You might want to look at the yellow pages link on www.wrightslaw.org - see if you can find a parents advocate group in your area or at least your state. There are groups in some areas that will give advice at no cost (they are funded by Federal grant programs). You could call them and ask the same question you asked here, and you would get not only the advice about what the school can and can't do requiring having your ds attend, but you might get local advice and some insight into how your school district works.

Best wishes,

polarbear