It all sounds really appealing Dude, and is exactly the way I remember wishing I could have been raised, but I don't believe that children become more trustful from explainations, but from actions. So much depends on personality, but seriously - if your daughter ever 'talked back' to you and said 'That ISNT an answer!' or 'That isn't FAIR, you get to eat in the living room, WHY don't I?' wouldn't you start to feel that something wasn't working?
Well, why can't she eat in the living room? Again, if the reason for the rule can't be articulated, maybe there's no good reason to have the rule.
Now, let's say hypothetically that we articulate our reasons... little children are accident prone, and messes sink deep into the carpet/upholstery, where they breed bacteria and attract bugs. Solid argument. Then DD starts arguing, beginning with some ludicrous suggestions. "I won't make a mess." "I'll clean it up." We poke holes in those arguments.
And then... "But we have carpet in the dining room, too. If I brought in my little table and chair, it wouldn't be any different from eating in the dining room."
Solid argument, and a compromise reached? Depends on the perspective and situation. This is all entirely hypothetical, since we have tile floors and one of those coffee tables that lift up, so DD is allowed to eat in the living room. But there have been a number of times in which DD has come up with an interesting solution that never occurred to DW or myself, in which everyone's goals are met. She's quite a negotiator... and negotiating is a lot more fun than yelling, I think.
Of course, this also means we have to have two things going for us:
- A lot of patience. For me, it helps to remember that a lot of the anger reaction for a parent in a parent/child conflict comes from a sense of losing control of the situation. So I remind myself that I'm the parent, I make the rules, I control the privileges, and she's not a threat to any of that.
- The ability of the child to take no for an answer. Because sometimes no matter how good the argument, she's still not going to be happy about it, because she has an emotional investment in getting what she wants. So once the discussion has played out and there's nothing useful in talking about it anymore, it's time to end the discussion. It's at those times that I end up reminding my daughter that I'm the parent, I make the rules, and I control the privileges, so just accept my decision. Or, she can go on protesting, and begin accepting the loss of privileges, too.
In the long run we have to figure out how to parent the kid we have, not the kid we think have. And just when we think we have them figured out - there they go changing again!
Smiles,
Grinity
Absolutely, 100% agree. And this is why I never try to tell anyone what they should do... I simply say, "This is what works for us."
