Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion How do I help her? I cried last night

We're starting to see perfectionism too, and it's totally gonna kill me. Did you know even reusable stickers can't be repositioned over a dozzen times by a little boy with cookie on his hands?

I've noticed that the best kids for DS to play with are only children. They're often a little lonely to begin with, and they don't make assumptions based on their little siblings. Once, DS got totally shafted by a kid who clearly assumed that all kids DS's age had average motor skills, and could read. After keeping an eye on them for a while, I'm pretty sure the little brother was more precocious than DS intellectually, but not in fine motor stuff. Big Bro was just going by what he knew. DS was livid to be talked down to, and frustrated because he didn't understand at the same time.

The only solution was to go get bannanas in the caf.

Uh: Upshot:

I can see why she wants a friend who "Fits," but she might have to learn to deal with dissapointment. I STILL haven't had a friend who fits, and I'm almost 10 times her age!

But maybe try to find a free-range only child?

Why do I sometimes feel a bit like I'm blind and trying to lead the sighted folks about?

-Mich

What I did to solve play dates where the IQ's were obviously mismatched is I dumbed down the activities so they were inclusive of all. For example, we'd rent a fun Pixar movie (because the storyline is simple but the undercurrents were often quite adult humor to appeal to both levels). We also did fun baking projects like decorating cookies with sprinkles, making homemade playdough and crafting things out of it, or playing tag or other physical activities outside. As long as the activities centered around an inclusive activity or physical activity, we were fine. It might help your daughter enjoy the kids available for her to play with, because we can't always find the perfect match in every situation.

Hope this helps ...

You have gotten a lot of good insight and ideas here.

I read this post during a 2 minute internet break earlier today, and was struck by how this is some of the same conversation we are having in our house, only not so painful.

DD, who turned 4 over Christmas break, has been asking, "Mama, why don't they play with me?" after a play date. We wonder why she does not pal around with the other girls her age at preschool. "They don't want to play." We got 2 babysitters to watch five of our kids while we all had dinner, and they said our DD went around trying to ignite play, but the others all played independently. I just assumed it was a personality difference.

DD's best friends are 11 and 6 and adults. Her 11 year old friend is an actor at heart, so the two of them march around acting out plots and inventing scenarios. They dress up, wear face paint, build sets and have props. It gets very elaborate. I frankly don't do that kind of thing well. DH is awesome at it.

My 80 year old mother was here for two weeks and DD would take her into the bedroom, shut the door, and keep her there, pretending to ride all over the place on the subway (has DD ever been on a subway? no) for hours. Like, 8 hours a day! My mother (the trooper) couldn't believe it, but she put up with it.

I can't hack all the pretend stuff but DD is begging me to play with her. So we play UNO and Yahtzee, draw, cook, and read. I just got a science and biology book that I'm enjoying immensely and sharing with her. And I put my old make up on her and we discuss God. Always fun to contemplate the Big Bang Theory and God while in drag queen make up.

Anyway, I wanted to suggest
A. my daughter commute to play with your daughter, because when I mentioned your post to DH at the dinner table, DD chimed in and said, "I'LL PLAY WITH HER!"
B. You find a creative person of any age, or acting group, for her to play with,
C. You connect her with a senior who has a deep love for children.

These suggestions aren't ideal, but I'm just thinking about your community.

I really agree with the observations about perfectionism in her. And Grinity's point about having a child who can articulate the angst that plagues the raw, underdeveloped nervous system of a preschooler is not for the faint of heart. And about how long it takes any of us to find a perfect friend.

Oh my! Thank you all I am in tears now because I don't feel so alone. It is so hard to hear her pain. All of you had so many great words.

Seablue- Oh I wish they could commute. I am sorry you are having the same experiences. And Oh my, the grandma and subway thing.....that was Ansley while Nana was here. She took Nana and made her play pretend for hours and hours and hours. My mom was such the trooper and Ansley si miserable that Nana has left t go back home because she had that undivided play. I am not great at the Play stuff but I am going to have to be!

Yes DD tries to ignite play, it just doesn't happen much with that age group I guess.

ABQ mom- Thats exactly what works best and what I have told DH I am going to do on play dates, those are the ones where DD is the happiest after because she got to do something with them.

Micheala- Your post made me smile. You are so right.

Kvmum- You know I have noticed the same thing. She is being so much more tolerant in public but she is craving metal stimuls more after and she is more frusterated, emotional, etc at home soon after.

Jesse- I know, I need to meet more moms and see if we can try. I know DD would be happier.

Grinity- I always feel like you really understand and after reading your post I just sighed and felt some peace. It is so hard hearing her express those feelings but well she feels them.


Things are better tonight. She went down, no problem. And we had dinner with one of her firends tonight. We meet at Safeway (yep the grocery store is one of the only resturants here!) And we had sandwiches and the girls played and DD got frusterated once, but her friend while she didn't understand exactly what the senario DD was acting out involving "Knights and Saviors" She hid with DD under the table etc, and DD told me in the car on the way up the mountain. "Mom, it felt like it fit okay tonight."
I was so thrilled that she was at least happy!

Alright I am off to bed. DH left the island for work for a few days so I will have my hands full.

That's the spirit! What a blessing that we get to be experts in whole new areas! I used to set a timer for imaginary play, so I could relax into it - knowing that "I can do anything for 15 minutes!" I guess the point here is to develop our patience for when they get to be teenagers - LOL!

I've seen lots of 'when they get better in public, they have to pay the price at home.' I think it is a very good sign, but then there is a next step where we start expecting them to handle the strong emotions themselves - not at age 3 for sure - just at some point, depending on the child. Because what we feed grows and it's a very fine line for some kids. My tendency is to err on the side of allowing feelings to be expressed, which is why 'Nurtured Heart Approach' was so valuable to me. Really - one time I substitute taught a 5th grade religious school class that was known to be 'shy, reserved, not the brightest ones' and within 90 minutes we were having such a lively discussion that the principal had to come down the hall and glare at us. I could tell that she was impressed underneath.

Anyway, another trick I used with DS when he was feeling isolated was to tell him about some of the challenges and experiences all of the other online gifties were having. Sometimes I asked his advice. Sometimes I told it as news, as if we were all distant cousins. Just so he know that there existed other kids with similar challenges. So you can tell your DD that Auntie Grinity had to play pretend 'momma and baby dinosaur' with her son because the other kids didn't know what dinos were, and that they laid eggs. So Moms can stand in for friends to some degree, and she isn't the only one in that situation.

Love and More Love,
Grinity

We did LOTS of reading aloud when my Ds were little. By the time D was 4, we were reading some really long chapter books. She was pretty fearless, and ADORED Harry Potter. So you might start branching into some harder chapter books for reading aloud if she is ready. Just saying if you can't take one more game of Candyland

This brings back memories for me as I grew up in a pretty isolated place. And we just also moved too (though to a great-for-kids town, and it's temporary -- so that part is quite different from your situation).

Anyways -- I'm posting to say that it often helps to break down the pain into as many multiple parts that is has.

1. The giftedness is a huge issue, which won't go away, just be dealt with. It leads to a childhood long difficulty with finding appropriate friends and there's no getting around it.

2. With a move there is also a lack of connection to anyone -- the checkout lady at the grocery store, the post office. Part of a feeling of need for a perfect friend is just basic displacement and loneliness for a community so that will get better on it's own as it turns one does get to know the adults enough to see the value in talking to them.

3. Next, obviously, you've moved to a really isolated place. It means a complete world view change in terms of how you and DD spend your moment to moment day. I recall extremely long winters spent indoors. A lot of boredom but also a lot of teaching of creativity that most suburban/city kids seem to be completely lacking (no offense intended to creative city kids out there). An isolated place is something kids do adapt to usually (less so the parents).

4. It's mid-winter. It's a awful time of year in the far north - cabin fever is a kind of loneliness. There is no getting around that but it also means that part of the lonely feeling for DD (and you I'm sure too) will go away.

So out of the 4 things I can think of just the giftedness is really there to stay for DD, the other things are eventually probably adjusted to for her.

My tips from having grown up bored in a isolated place:

Develop a interest in everything that people seem to like there: ice skating, ice fishing, the aurora, making pemmican or whatever native foods there are, indoor grow-light gardening, bingo night, curling. 4H. Go to church, even if you wouldn't usually, (or go to a different one than you might if the community there is more welcoming). Make friends with your neighbors and with their pets if you can't get one right now (offer to come over to relieve a neighbor's dogs boredom (puppy playtime) if the owner is gone all day or even just because your DD would like to). You can put your name out to do $1 an hour baby-sitting by saying you are bored and DD would love to just have another kid around. You can offer to watch the kids during a church or other organizations meetings. You could offer to volunteer at a local elementary school (Just call and say you are a bored mom new to town and would like to volunteer to read stories to K-3 kids or anything else they might like you to do). Or volunteer to help with a sunday school. (Then mention it's conditional on if they would let you bring DD as a tag along). After DD takes a class, if you marginally get along with the instructor offer to volunteer to help with older child classes if DD can tag along. Borrow things from all your neighbors, even if you don't really need to, then return the item 2fold (ie if it was flour bring them a new whole container) and bring cookies etc.

The more you fill up your days with lots of kids and activities the less DD will notice the lack of a age-mate type good friend.

It's wonderful it's not permanent, because a whole life on a small island would surely be limiting. As a few years and before formal schooling, it would be a crazy-hard adjustment but also a growth experience in the end. Kids that grow up in suburbs and cities are so cookie cutter in their experiences (again no offense intended to not-so-cookie cutter city kids out there). There is NO way after this experience your DD will not have a unique, and purely because of it's uniqueness a valuable outlook on life for the rest of her life.

Sorry that was SO long... I am long winded by nature, probably because as a child in a remote place I had nothing to do but elaborate on all my ideas. LOL. Just kidding, it's genetic, my mom talks non-stop also.

Polly

I really think the idea of finding some grandmas and grandpas who are seperated from their grandchildren to adopt would be great. it would be a shoulder and friend for you as well.
I know that just breaking lose and dancing around with my little man at that age was fun. As an adult it can be difficult to look stupid/silly/foolish. Dance like noone is looking.
Finding a totolly new skill for her to learn in a class would put her on an equal level with who ever is in the class. This may work for soccer if she has never done it. I always try to help my son see how he is like another child instead of how they are different. this may lead to a kinder gentler world ultimately. See here on this site we are all parents of kids with higher than average IQ's. One commonality amoung 100's of difference- whoa getting philisophical there for a Friday afternoon.

It's so heartbreaking not to be able to do anything about their very real troubles, isn't it? My DS8 has had lots of broken-hearted woe and tears over the years, and it doesn't get any easier to help -- and we're not in Alaska!

I think perhaps it might help if you enlist the help of the older children. Find likely candidates in that 8-ish age range and talk to them privately about your DD and how she could be a great playmate for them -- explain that she isn't like the "babies" that they probably compare her to, and ask them to try being her friend. Then turn them loose and see what happens. I think that would be easier and faster than waiting for them to notice on their own while she sits around being frustrated at being misunderstood. And they will get to feel like they are part of a secret, like they know something that other people don't.

Thanks again yall. Today was a wonderful day for her. I think I have found that "grandparent" figure. She is an older lady in my knitting group and is so kind and gentle hearted and hears my stories of DD during knitting and is a facebook friend, and yesterday she said to me she would love to come over and draw with DD and bake cookies etc. This could be a really good thing.

DD played with one of her friends today and did a good job even though she later talked to me about some frustrations that she had, but she handled herself well and said that it was fun overall. The bad thing is this friend is moving in May off the island. The friend's parents have not told her and wont till a few weeks before they move according to the mom. I feel like I need to prepare DD before then because of how she reacted to us having to leave her friends. (Under the table telling me that "I hate you." She had a difficult difficult time.) But I am afraind DD will say something to her friend. GAAH

Polly- Thanks so much for all you tips. Its nice to hear from someone with some experiences in the rural isolation. Your right, most of the things are just adjustements.

Again thanks all!