Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Over the worrying!

Hi Jesse and Welcome!

That thought certianly strikes a cord with me, and I encourage you in all your efforts to do what wasn't done for you. I too, grew up like that, and set out to 'do a better job' in that department for my son.

Weirdly, what I'm seeing at age 13, is that in a way it might be even worse to have understanding, kind parents when these feelings hit, because at least you and I could blame and vow. My DS13 is just plain miserable at times, and is forced to pretend that DH and I are 'mean' or that he is 'just plain cranky.' Emotionally he just isn't ready to face that he can be 'just plain cranky.' So I really feel for him, trying to make up or magnify faults in DH and I that I'm sure he knows just aren't there.

You know, I think the truth is that for some kids, managing to OEs is just plain difficult. I've heard that 'how are kids going to learn to make good choices if they don't make bad choices?'

I think that going to one's room, so that the can melt down without disturbing anyone else is something to be proud of. I'm grateful when DH does this - I don't want to 'process' every bad mood with him!

I think that whatever we do, if we can confidently send the message that 'things are basically ok' then we are winning. All the teaching and anticipating works for some families but for others it just sends a message of 'what you are is so terrible that I have to 'manage' you all the time, and stay on alert.' You have to trust your mom-gut to figure out how things are in your house. I'm a big fan of 'quietly keeping the melting down child company' IF the parent can sincerely carry it off.

I'm mostly glad that we have a place where we can talk about these things - personally, I can't imagine bringing these up at the family gatherings!

Love and More Love,
Grinity

LOL!!!!!!!!! That's hilarious! I often feel that my ds6 is acting like a teen going through puberty...moody, meladramatic, and knows it all!



Great point! Thank you!

That was exactly what I felt during that period and yes it lasted about 4 years! In our case, and hopefully in yours, DS16 has never been through the dreaded teen years. When he did eventually "grow out of it", emotionally to me he seemed more like an eighteen year old. So I often think to myself those earlier years were his teenage years!

Hi Jen,
I have found with my DD8 that the only thing that works when she gets all worked up is to let her have time to herself in her room. Now, in our situation, my DD doesn't have daily or many-times-daily meltdowns. But when she does (admittedly only once every several weeks), there is no calming her down. She feels embarrassed by her behavior (usually just crying) but usually says she can't stop. She has done this since she was a baby and I've never been able to figure out a solution other than letting her get it out of her system. If she's not bothering anyone, I'll just let her cry it out where she is. If she is bothering others, we'll ask her to go to her room (which is usually followed by a sobbing "I can't!"). If she won't go to her room on her own power, we've carried her into her room and told her she can come out when she calms down. She virtually always calms down within ten minutes, occasionally longer, and every once in a while she'll fall asleep. All of these resolve the situation, but without her getting any positive feedback that would reinforce the outburst. Because we're gentle with her, she knows we love her. And, I truly believe, as she grows up, she will be better able to control her reactions to her emotions. So, I truly think you're on to something!

MNmom23,

You may find this interesting:
For the last 30 years I've been doing


This group of people and this practice has been wonderful at helping me deal with my own OEs.

But I will say, after getting to know my son, and getting comfortable with the idea of giftedness, and levels of giftedness, that perhaps there is an 'association/causation' misunderstanding in the basic observation of RC.

Perhaps it isn't that being permitted to cry makes you smarter, but rather that some of our little gifties cry lots and lots. OTOH, being allowed to speak freely in the presence of people who care has been tremendous for me.

Interesting though,
Grinity

That is interesting, Grinity. My mommy instinct (heart) tells me to help ds through his distress. My head (the part of me who's read every parenting book and behavior mod literature I can get my hands on) says don't give him attention or you'll reinforce the behavior. Ds asks me (once he's beginning to get control of himself) that he wishes I'd come in and comfort him and try to make him feel better because he can't make himself feel better on his own. I want to help, but I also want him to learn to handle difficulties and stress independently. Ds is really embracing the fact that he is "gifted" and asks lots of questions about it. He says he's glad he is gifted, even though sometimes it means he "over-reacts" (his words) when things don't go his way.

You are helping him when you send him to his room to 'have his time.' Perhaps in the future when you have more confidence, you'll be ready to 'just listen' but for now, you can show him that you believe in him by allowing him to do his thing on his own. He will be fine. You can't fake that kind of confidence, and there is no law that every parent has to 'be there' for every kind of experience. What about a parent who has tons of attention and tenderness for the meltdowns, but doesn't think it's fun to introduce the intellectual content? We all have our strenths and weaknesses, and we are all 'just right' for our kids.

Why am I saying this?
Clearly it worries you. Clearly it wears you out. Clearly you feel responsible. That last post about 'Isn't there some kind of medication to control this?'

You are a wonderful mom Jen. You are excused from that particular piece of the ideal mom puzzle. If you want to get there, I would reccomend, send him to his room, and deep breath to set your intention to - 'this is the way he is, and that is perfectly fine, and I am giving him chances to learn to deal with it, and that is perfectly fine.' When that becomes second nature, you might try the same thing sitting outside his door, and then in his room, and then holding his hand.

I know for sure that this is more than was ever done for you. There is no objective standard of what Moms are supposed to do - only that we give a bit more than we got. Make sense, yes?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks Grinity. And everyone for sharing. It has been very enlightening.

It often helps me to remember that the outburst is only for that moment. Even tho the outburst is very strong and intense, it is like a big wave. And after it has its moment, it will ebb. And the feeling will subside.

Next time, there may be another big wave, but it too will ebb.

I've tried describing that to my 6 yr old so child can know that the feelings will come and then they will go. It is only for a moment and not forever/constant. Because that's what I wished someone had told me o so long ago.

I agree with most of what all of you said. To accept them, that this is who they are. And so true, Grinity, if it is only 1 hour out of 24 hours that there is a meltdown, but have a happy kid for the other 23 hours -- that's great! Very good point.

Jen,
I get the Mommy Instinct thing, and I do think it is okay for you to go in and give him a hug. I do do this with my DD. But, I think it works out best once she has had some alone time to feel things and then calm down. Once she has calmed down, I go in and give her a hug. Sometimes I'll talk with her about her feelings or what exactly happened, IF I feel that bringing it up won't send her back into her crying. Other times I'll just hug her and not say anything really, just letting her know that I love her and that we're all ready to move on and forgive and forget. Hang in there!

I think another very important point that I hear Grinity making is to acknowledge that this isn't just your child's issue; it's yours too. That was very important for me, a Spock-like INTJ, when it came to dealing with my highly emotional and highly expressive DS5.

Realizing that my reaction to his outbursts--and it wasn't always the reaction I'd like to have!--was my own issue was something that helped me. If I got upset by his upset, it got worse for both of us. Better to send him to his room to handle it if my response was going to make it worse for him.

And while we need to be consistent about how we respond, I think, that doesn't mean that we always have to handle every outburst from our kids the same way. In my case, some days I can remain calm and hold him while he disintegrates, and some days I need to ask him to fall apart elsewhere. I just make sure that he knows that it's okay to cry (though not to scream) and that I love him.

He seems to be getting better as time goes on, so I feel like it's going okay...